It's confirmed: words and images, as well as sticks and stones, can hurt you, data from military sources say. Data released today from US Army laboratories detail experiments on use of the "F-word" and other types of verbal and visual obscenity. According to these experiments, some words and images can cause physical harm to living beings and the environment. Development of an amplification device similar to the "weirding module" imagined in the film "Dune" was said to be underway.
The Bush Administration was said to be weighing restrictions on verbalizations, especially in large gatherings and broadcast media. "Imagine what might happen if someone dropped the 'F-Bomb' during the State of the Union speech, a political rally, or a Super Bowl" said a White House spokesman. "Millions could be maimed or killed outright." The report was said to add validity to the Bush team's policy of "talking tough" to terrorists and of cracking down on obscenity in the media. Special Iraqi Army commando teams were said to be undergoing training in the most effective use of strong language.
The data may have had input from recent breakthroughs in experiments on corporealization of language.
The data released, while surprising, were incomplete. Left unaddressed were homonyms, "1331"-speak usage, proper names, use of "the N-Word," "the other F-Word," "the L-Word," or the degree to which visual obscenity's effect depends on the size of the image. The precise nature to which the physical effect is dependent on aural and visual components of precise words is unclear.
Emergency legislation is pending in the US Congress to classify certain swear words and bodily parts as munitions, thus barring them from export to other countries. It was unclear how this would be applied to something as pervasive as language use, but according to sources, enforcement techniques would come later.
In a related story, the building housing New York City television station CBS-2 offices caught fire over the weekend due to reporter Arthur Chi-en's accidental use of the "F-Word" on-air. Reports today say that Chi-en was fired because of the incident.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Theatre Owners Sue Lucas and Distributor Over "SWIII"
Owners of the Cine Mar theater chain, based in Costa Mar, California, filed suit today against Lucasfilm, Ltd. and an undisclosed distribution company for distributing copies of "Star Wars: Episode III" to 5 theaters scattered across southern California.
Cine Mar's theaters typically present low-budget exploitation films and pornography. The plaintiffs were expecting a sordid spoof of hacker films called "Sw1ll" ordered months ago from a major distribution company, whose name was kept confidential by the court.
"The order forms are clear. We did not order these prints," said Cine Mar's president, Latrina Hodges. "We received them solely because of the distributor's error." Hodges added that Lucasfilm was named as a co-defendant solely on the basis of its licensing terms, which assess fees regardless of whether prints are shown or returned.
"We can't present these prints and expect to make a profit," said Hodges. "It's not what our audience wants, and the terms are just so far past what we can afford it's incredible." Asked whether they might not appeal to a different audience, Hodges said, "They wouldn't want to see these films in our theaters, and frankly neither would I." She cited spotty sound, sticky floors, and offensive smells as detracting from the theatrical experience, but said these were "not an issue" for the regular audience.
Cine Mar's theaters typically present low-budget exploitation films and pornography. The plaintiffs were expecting a sordid spoof of hacker films called "Sw1ll" ordered months ago from a major distribution company, whose name was kept confidential by the court.
"The order forms are clear. We did not order these prints," said Cine Mar's president, Latrina Hodges. "We received them solely because of the distributor's error." Hodges added that Lucasfilm was named as a co-defendant solely on the basis of its licensing terms, which assess fees regardless of whether prints are shown or returned.
"We can't present these prints and expect to make a profit," said Hodges. "It's not what our audience wants, and the terms are just so far past what we can afford it's incredible." Asked whether they might not appeal to a different audience, Hodges said, "They wouldn't want to see these films in our theaters, and frankly neither would I." She cited spotty sound, sticky floors, and offensive smells as detracting from the theatrical experience, but said these were "not an issue" for the regular audience.
Update: Fox Eugenics Title Revealed; Modeled After Gov't Program
In an update to our previously reported story revealing Fox's new reality show documenting the creation of the perfect human, sources at Fox television have revealed that the program is already in progress, and was modeled on a US government program conducted between 1929 and 1970. They have also disclosed that the title of the program is "Project: Superbaby."
Spinoffs being considered, and in the active recruitment phase, include: "Project: Angel," "Project: Psychic," and "Project: Evolution."
Spinoffs being considered, and in the active recruitment phase, include: "Project: Angel," "Project: Psychic," and "Project: Evolution."
Monday, May 16, 2005
NYT Columnist Krugman Calls for Draft
In an editorial published today, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has called for a national draft.
A draft is needed, the column implies, to restore the capacity of the US military to "respond to real threats," shore up its "deteriorating" strategic position, and "take care" of problems with the US occupation of Iraq. The column concludes "We either need a much bigger army - which means a draft - or we need to find a way out of Iraq."
Support for such a measure in the senate is expected to be strong, according to Pentagon officials, who commended Krugman's "clear-sighted thinking." Of course a withdrawal from Iraq would be logically impossible, added the officials.
A draft is needed, the column implies, to restore the capacity of the US military to "respond to real threats," shore up its "deteriorating" strategic position, and "take care" of problems with the US occupation of Iraq. The column concludes "We either need a much bigger army - which means a draft - or we need to find a way out of Iraq."
Support for such a measure in the senate is expected to be strong, according to Pentagon officials, who commended Krugman's "clear-sighted thinking." Of course a withdrawal from Iraq would be logically impossible, added the officials.
NPR to Roll Forward With Classic Rock Format
National Public Radio broadcasting (NPR), after a hastily convened board meeting Sunday night, announced plans today via a prepared statement to abandon its disgraced news broadcasting operations and switch to an all-music format centered on "classic rock of the 70's, 80's, and 90's."
After outcry over liberal bias in NPR's programming from the Bush Administration and calls for more music programming from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the move is expected to heal the rift between NPR and CPB. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting provides only 1% of NPR's funding, but contributes a significant percentage of NPR affiliate station budgets.
"The board of NPR is bound to respect the needs of our benefactors and the public," said a statement by Kevin Klose, NPR President. "If the nation's listeners want music, it's our obligation to provide it." The statement puzzled industry observers, who noted that Klose had as recently as last week issued statements objecting to any change in NPR's content.
Gay Hart Gaines, a member of CPB's board and a proponent of increased music programming, expressed satisfaction with the decision to reporters.
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson, chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, issued a brief statement expressing a desire to move forward from the bias controversy. The statement concluded, "We are pleased that past differences are now amicably resolved, and look forward to many more years of a healthy relationship between our two institutions."
Mr. Klose and other NPR board members could not be reached for further comment. A call to Mr. Klose's private phone number reached an automated message stating that the line had been disconnected.
After outcry over liberal bias in NPR's programming from the Bush Administration and calls for more music programming from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the move is expected to heal the rift between NPR and CPB. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting provides only 1% of NPR's funding, but contributes a significant percentage of NPR affiliate station budgets.
"The board of NPR is bound to respect the needs of our benefactors and the public," said a statement by Kevin Klose, NPR President. "If the nation's listeners want music, it's our obligation to provide it." The statement puzzled industry observers, who noted that Klose had as recently as last week issued statements objecting to any change in NPR's content.
Gay Hart Gaines, a member of CPB's board and a proponent of increased music programming, expressed satisfaction with the decision to reporters.
Kenneth Y. Tomlinson, chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, issued a brief statement expressing a desire to move forward from the bias controversy. The statement concluded, "We are pleased that past differences are now amicably resolved, and look forward to many more years of a healthy relationship between our two institutions."
Mr. Klose and other NPR board members could not be reached for further comment. A call to Mr. Klose's private phone number reached an automated message stating that the line had been disconnected.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Editors' Congress Urges Journalists to Revisit the Ellipse
In a bid to "improve the quality, integrity, and value of journalism," the North American Congress of Journalistic Editors, at its annual meeting today in Washington D.C., has issued a set of recommendations for its members. Among them: increase use of the ellipse, a punctuation mark consisting of a line of three dots written "..." (without the quotation marks).
The ellipse is used as a placeholder for an omitted word or phrase, or to indicate a pause in conversation. A staple of academic writing, the punctuation mark is often omitted in newspaper and magazine writing to make the text more reader-friendly. Journalistic editors and writers often create alternative phrasings when a lengthy phrase is omitted from a sourced statement, interrupting the exact wording with description or simply ending a statement prematurely with a full-stop "period" mark ("."). Such uses give little indication anything has been omitted, and can lead to misunderstandings.
The recommendation explains, "it is a staple of journalistic integrity to publish an accurate account of statements by sources or other quoted material. When a word or phrase is omitted or rearranged for brevity, a reader may rightly wonder whether important meanings have been altered or decontextualized by this process." The recommendation continues, "Returning to the practice of using the ellipse ("...") informs the reader that a redaction has occurred. Use of such signposts is likely to help prevent willful or accidental misconstrual of a source's meaning, which is, of course, the journalist's and editor's responsibility to represent as faithfully as possible."
The ellipse is used as a placeholder for an omitted word or phrase, or to indicate a pause in conversation. A staple of academic writing, the punctuation mark is often omitted in newspaper and magazine writing to make the text more reader-friendly. Journalistic editors and writers often create alternative phrasings when a lengthy phrase is omitted from a sourced statement, interrupting the exact wording with description or simply ending a statement prematurely with a full-stop "period" mark ("."). Such uses give little indication anything has been omitted, and can lead to misunderstandings.
The recommendation explains, "it is a staple of journalistic integrity to publish an accurate account of statements by sources or other quoted material. When a word or phrase is omitted or rearranged for brevity, a reader may rightly wonder whether important meanings have been altered or decontextualized by this process." The recommendation continues, "Returning to the practice of using the ellipse ("...") informs the reader that a redaction has occurred. Use of such signposts is likely to help prevent willful or accidental misconstrual of a source's meaning, which is, of course, the journalist's and editor's responsibility to represent as faithfully as possible."
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
"ROTD" Fans to Gather in Oxbridge
On May 20th, Oxbridge, England will see an influx of coats, tails, brooms, and silver serving dishes, as fans of "The Remains of the Day" will gather for an annual three-day celebration of the book and film.
Past events have seen fans arrive dressed as their favorite characters from the 1993 film, including head butler Mr. Stevens (played on film by Anthony Hopkins), and Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson). Creativity abounds. Last year, one fan arrived dressed as the romance novel Mr. Stevens is caught reading in a key scene, and another arrived dressed as the setting, Darlington Hall.
Events planned for the three-day gathering include discussion panels on recent scholarship about the historical era and the novel, a screening of the "Remains of the Day" film, a marathon of PBS' "Edwardian House," and "best costume" and "best service to a local resident" awards. Many Oxbridge locals say they enjoy the influx of classy-looking make-believe servants, and many welcome lodgers who pay for their board by half-days spent cooking, butlering or gardening.
The movie is based on the Booker Prize-winning May 1989 novel by author Kazuo Ishiguro.
Past events have seen fans arrive dressed as their favorite characters from the 1993 film, including head butler Mr. Stevens (played on film by Anthony Hopkins), and Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson). Creativity abounds. Last year, one fan arrived dressed as the romance novel Mr. Stevens is caught reading in a key scene, and another arrived dressed as the setting, Darlington Hall.
Events planned for the three-day gathering include discussion panels on recent scholarship about the historical era and the novel, a screening of the "Remains of the Day" film, a marathon of PBS' "Edwardian House," and "best costume" and "best service to a local resident" awards. Many Oxbridge locals say they enjoy the influx of classy-looking make-believe servants, and many welcome lodgers who pay for their board by half-days spent cooking, butlering or gardening.
The movie is based on the Booker Prize-winning May 1989 novel by author Kazuo Ishiguro.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Fox Unveils Eugenics Program
The Fox network, creators of "Joe Millionaire," "Fear Factor," and "The Simpsons," is developing a reality show that will culminate in the birth of the perfect human, sources say. The show is tentatively titled "Building the Perfect Babies."
Volunteers will undergo an arduous screening process to screen out propensities for major diseases, allergies, baldness, mental disorders, and obesity. The four top selected males and females will then provide gametes that will undergo additional rigorous screening before fertilization. Fertilized embryos -- one male, one female -- will be carried to term by the female donors, who will have the option to date and marry their male counterparts as they see fit. There is a possibility that additional genetic engineering may be applied to the gametes or embryos as they develop to ensure they receive the best possible genetic patterns and growth environments.
The weekly show will trace the volunteers' journey through the process and is expected to generate high emotional and scientific interest worldwide. It will culminate with two live (with 7-second tape delay) births broadcast on Fox sometime in 2006, with continued followup tracking the children's development.
Volunteers will undergo an arduous screening process to screen out propensities for major diseases, allergies, baldness, mental disorders, and obesity. The four top selected males and females will then provide gametes that will undergo additional rigorous screening before fertilization. Fertilized embryos -- one male, one female -- will be carried to term by the female donors, who will have the option to date and marry their male counterparts as they see fit. There is a possibility that additional genetic engineering may be applied to the gametes or embryos as they develop to ensure they receive the best possible genetic patterns and growth environments.
The weekly show will trace the volunteers' journey through the process and is expected to generate high emotional and scientific interest worldwide. It will culminate with two live (with 7-second tape delay) births broadcast on Fox sometime in 2006, with continued followup tracking the children's development.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Competing Time Traveller Events Confound Possible Attendees
To the chagrin of event organizers, the majority of RSVPed time travellers did, or will, not attend either Destination Day or The Time Traveller Convention. The "overwhelming" response noted by Time Traveller Convention organizers caused many travellers to change last-minute plans.
"Regrets" messages from time travellers, which will inundate event planners' email accounts tomorrow, cited confusion regarding the space-time coordinates of both events, and concern regarding possible "parking" problems, as billions of time travellers, most of whom were not human, might attempt to enter similarly configured patches of spacetime simultaneously.
Some notes expressed hope that a more flexible environment might be provided for another party, such as the surface of Jupiter or a galaxy consisting primarily of brie cheese.
"Regrets" messages from time travellers, which will inundate event planners' email accounts tomorrow, cited confusion regarding the space-time coordinates of both events, and concern regarding possible "parking" problems, as billions of time travellers, most of whom were not human, might attempt to enter similarly configured patches of spacetime simultaneously.
Some notes expressed hope that a more flexible environment might be provided for another party, such as the surface of Jupiter or a galaxy consisting primarily of brie cheese.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Retiree Stands Up to Terrorist Threat
Gus Wylie of Kabul, Afghanistan was hailed as a "true hero" today by military sources after a frightening encounter with a suspected Islamist terrorist group.
Witnesses say the retiree, age 84, confronted several youths amassed suspiciously in the garden of the secure compound where he resides. Armed guards looked on but appeared helpless to stop them. Wylie took it upon himself to challenge the group.
Launching a stream of threatening invective, he advanced across the garden and raised his cane. The suspected terrorists, of apparent ages 5-10, discontinued their activities and scattered. One terrorist was felled by a rock thrown by Wylie and taken to a secure facility for questioning.
Wylie had resided at the compound for the past fifteen years, resisting the wishes of his family to return to North Carolina where he had lived before retiring.
Witnesses say the retiree, age 84, confronted several youths amassed suspiciously in the garden of the secure compound where he resides. Armed guards looked on but appeared helpless to stop them. Wylie took it upon himself to challenge the group.
Launching a stream of threatening invective, he advanced across the garden and raised his cane. The suspected terrorists, of apparent ages 5-10, discontinued their activities and scattered. One terrorist was felled by a rock thrown by Wylie and taken to a secure facility for questioning.
Wylie had resided at the compound for the past fifteen years, resisting the wishes of his family to return to North Carolina where he had lived before retiring.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
No Beating Around the Bush on the "Today" Show
First Lady Laura Bush, flush from a ribald performance at a White House Press Club dinner Saturday night, told "Today" show host Katie Couric this morning that she received "a good rogering" the night of the speech.
Couric, visibly embarrassed at the double entendre, hastily attempted to change the subject, but not before Bush continued, "Usually I have to beat my own path to that door."
The First Lady's racy dinner talk was widely viewed as an attempt by the Bush White House to polish its image as the President pushes for changes to Social Security against sagging popular support.
Later in the interview, Bush made a reference to brazilian waxing and characterized herself as a "desperate housewife who was once a desperate librarian."
Couric, visibly embarrassed at the double entendre, hastily attempted to change the subject, but not before Bush continued, "Usually I have to beat my own path to that door."
The First Lady's racy dinner talk was widely viewed as an attempt by the Bush White House to polish its image as the President pushes for changes to Social Security against sagging popular support.
Later in the interview, Bush made a reference to brazilian waxing and characterized herself as a "desperate housewife who was once a desperate librarian."
Tunas Disappear from Store Shelves
In a prank apparently related to the release of the movie, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," thieves removed approximately 570 cans of tuna from a Bradley, Vermont general store on Monday night. In the midst of the bare shelves the store owners found a 3" x 5" index card reading "So long and thanks for all the fish."
According to police, a large number of empty tuna cans were found in a wooded area near the store. A number of leads were being interviewed in connection witih the case, including a group of students from the school's chess club who had made a trip to Manchester to see the film on Saturday. So far there are no suspects in the case.
The movie features singing dolphins who depart the Earth leaving behind an identical message.
Several bags of potato chips were also missing and presumed eaten.
According to police, a large number of empty tuna cans were found in a wooded area near the store. A number of leads were being interviewed in connection witih the case, including a group of students from the school's chess club who had made a trip to Manchester to see the film on Saturday. So far there are no suspects in the case.
The movie features singing dolphins who depart the Earth leaving behind an identical message.
Several bags of potato chips were also missing and presumed eaten.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Extra Review for Suspicious Items Guidelines at Homeland Security
In the wake of investigations into a suspicious giant burrito, the official guidelines for "Recognition of Suspicious Items" maintained by the US Department of Homeland Security are being reviewed for clarity, according to a weekend press conference statement.
Burritos of any size were not officially on the list, a spokesperson confirmed in response to reporters' questions.
"It might have made our list of 'Delicious Items,'" joked the spokesperson, but added, "Of course, we have to consider everything, especially things no one tends to think of. Nobody's ever heard of an explosive Macaroni & Cheese, but we've all heard of the file baked into a cake thing. It could depend on the form of the food." No particular cuisines were deemed especially apt to attract suspicion.
The representative later explained that there is no official "Delicious Items" list after fielding questions whether such a list might be released, and that the reference was figurative in nature.
Burritos of any size were not officially on the list, a spokesperson confirmed in response to reporters' questions.
"It might have made our list of 'Delicious Items,'" joked the spokesperson, but added, "Of course, we have to consider everything, especially things no one tends to think of. Nobody's ever heard of an explosive Macaroni & Cheese, but we've all heard of the file baked into a cake thing. It could depend on the form of the food." No particular cuisines were deemed especially apt to attract suspicion.
The representative later explained that there is no official "Delicious Items" list after fielding questions whether such a list might be released, and that the reference was figurative in nature.
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