5-day work week suspended; Administration reveals suspensions plan

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush revealed plans for further suspensions of constitutional rights, after signing into law a measure to suspend the 5-day work week.

The office of the President (Ret.) and Congressional Republicans negotiated in good faith with all concerned, but Labor leaders who somehow survived the purge of 2005 refused to negotiate in any capacity on extending the standard work week from a maximum of 40 hours without lunch per week to a maximum of 48 hours without lunch per week, raising fraudulent objections that derailed important measures before Congress. These 'objections' consisted of a claim that this measure extended the work week from 5 days to 6 without a commensurate increase in pay," said Mouthpiece of Evil, the Demon-Goat Quaralisthus.

Labor leaders did not return messages requesting comment. Curiously, all leaders' automated messages did not appear to have been updated since late October, as all consisted of variations on screams of agony and a cacophany of demonic laughter.

In reaction, the Bush Administration issued two edicts, the first declaring the temporary suspension of the 5-day work week. "Employers rejoice! Slavery is now not only permitted, but encouraged with tax breaks. Those proving slavery measures have been put into effect for at least 1 week will be entitled to tax breaks that include negative offsets," read part of Edict 1, indicating that government payments will be made to corporations enslaving their workers.

"Much progress towards this end has already been made independently of this edict by many valued organizations," said Quaralisthus during the ensuing question and answer session.

Edict 2 was an advisory measure intended for oil and banking concerns to prepare for the next stages of the long-planned financial apocalypse. In order, the rights of inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed to be abridged will be:

1) Right of habeous corpus (already modified to: Right of coprocorpus[right to be covered with shit])
2) Right of pursuit of happiness (irrelevant, as happiness has been curtailed by other means)
3) Right of assembly (already eliminated)
4) Right to life

Existing protections on liberty and to keep and bear arms were notably exempt from this list. The administration has previously voiced its support for related rulings being maintained or increased.