MILTHs / Help / Bush In / Discovering New Ways to Smoke Trees

Update from California:

In response to the major fires sweeping across California, celebrity bloggers around the web have created a new category of literally hot hottie: mothers I’d like to help, or MILTHs. In a poll, Jessica Alba was voted the top MILTH, although she is neither a mother nor in need of assistance.

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) Bush, after repeated text messages from California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, declared a state of emergency in California, paving the way for federal disaster aid to arrive, and said he would survey the state on Thursday, except, of course, for the areas “where the fires are burning in.”

Mindful of the fact that many California citizens are white, Mr. Bush dispatched officials from the Department of Homeland Security to assess damage ahead of time, so that relief checks could be deposited the instant flames crossed a property line.

On Tuesday, the governator re-texted Mr. Bush, asking him to raise his declaration to “major disaster,” which would affect how the state is reimbursed later. The governor estimated that $75 million in federal aid would be needed. If the fires continue to burn, Mr. Schwarzenegger said, the situation could be upgraded to “total disaster,” which would trigger a deployment of an international coalition of fire-fighters, 6 trillion dollars in federal disaster aid, and a second flyover by Mr. Bush.

Federal and local fire teams from Nevada, Oregon and Wyoming joined the fight, and the governator called up 1500 National Guard members, who were happy to transfer back to the US from Iraq. Mr. Schwarzenegger said in a news conference Tuesday that he was “happy” with the “high” number of firefighters working the blazes, officials said that they were stretched thin and that a lack of food and video games was as much a burden as the temperatures and winds.

“Our numbers are low,” a fire captain confirmed in a telephone interview from San Diego. “But our firefighters are high due to the high concentrations of illegal marijuana in many homes. However, many firefighters are temporarily overcome by fits of giggling and extreme hunger. Moreover, there are not enough couches available.”

Santa Rosa Macbooks to be Announced Friday

See also:
http://it.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=07/05/14/1146231&from=rss
http://www.thinksecret.com/news/0705laptops.html

INT. GROVE'S DINNER TABLE - NIGHT

GROVE

You don't understand. Macbooks never get Santa Rosa. That chip is perfect for them; it'll make 'em unbeatable. And I'm gonna run them out of the business, and let me tell you why.

(He stands)

Steve Jobs ruined one of Intel Corporation's most valuable motherboards for us. For fifteen years we had her under development. Floating point computation lessons; OpenGL lessons, packet routing lessons. I spent hundreds of millions of dollars on her. I was gonna make her a big star! And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-hearted man, and it's not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful; she was young, she was innocent. She was the greatest PCI I ever had, and I had 'em all over the world! And then Steve Jobs comes along with his iPhone interface and clickwheel charm. And she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous! Now you get the hell outta here! And if that gumbah tries any rough stuff, you tell him I ain't no Xerox! Yeah, I heard that story....

TOM

Thank you for the dinner and a very pleasant evening. If your car could take me to the airport; Mr. Jobs is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

[Tom nods, then exits]

CUT TO:

Pan of exterior of Grove's estate, then we see the interior of Grove's bedroom.

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Grove awakens in a pool of blood, and finds DRM's severed head in his bed; and SCREAMS ah - ah - ah - ah - ah!

Dawn.

Web Roundup: Photo Tricks!

The wizards and witches at ReadyMade magazine have posted helpful instructions on how to create a wallet-sized photo print out of a standard 8-inch by 10-inch portrait-size photo.

It's easy! For example, if someone had a 8x10 photo of someone they wanted to carry with them, they could easily convert the wall-size photo into a wallet-sized photo that would more easily fit into, for example, a wallet made from cruelty-free synthetic pleather (instructions also provided).

The technique is astoundingly simple, to the extent that one wonders why the technique is not more common knowledge. It requires no tools, rudimentary folding skills, and only one photo. For example, a photo of your mom:

Simply fold along the blue guide channels until only the center panel is showing ... and voilá!


Alternative instructions for creating portable photos may be found on Extremetech.com, where readers may obtain a guide on how to use off-the-shelf components to build a pocket-sized home theater PC with a 100 terabyte RAID including an HD DVR, an always-on EVDO linkup, 802.11n WiFi with Skype connectivity, a halftrack and, of course, an Ubuntu Linux partition that can be loaded with freeware that will enable its laser-guidance and imaging system to find your mom's place, snap her photo when she's smiling, post it to Flickr, and take off with its pants around its ankles just before your Dad gets home.