Researchers at the University of Southern California today announced that, according to lists of diseases published by the American Rodent Association, "viable cures" had been found for all diseases affecting white laboratory mice.
Although many of the diseases were first inflicted upon mice by human researchers seeking to understand human diseases, analogous cures for humans remain elusive.
Mouse advocate Gerry Hanford of Leeds, UK noted,"The community of mouse advocates welcomes this news with open arms. Mice are now well equipped to enter the new century of pandemic, superpowered, human pathogens, and emerge as the new dominant species on the planet."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Banks evacuated as losses rise
WELLS FARGO, N.A. — Along the spreadsheets of the corporate finance desk, red ink surpassed its highest level in history Friday morning, forcing the emergency evacuation of two bank branches before dawn and leading banking leaders here, once cheerfully upbeat, to sound far more dire.
“We do not want to give up yet,” CEO Tanis Walker of Wells Fargo said late Thursday night after receiving yet another piece of gruesome news. Forecasters now believe the red ink will go right on rising, and by Saturday overtake the record set here more than a century ago by $1.00 or even more, much higher than anyone here had earlier believed possible.
“We want to go down swinging — if we go down,” the CEO said, as he urged his underlings to summon the money to build the hedge funds that protect them from having to write off yet another summer house on Lake Como, Italy, by Friday night.
“I’m going to be devastated if we lose,” said Mr. Walker, who had, only a few days ago, expressed optimism, even certainty, that Wells Fargo, a bank with 90,000 employees, would be fine.
By Friday morning, some departments here had transferred employees to other facilities miles away, and HR had shuffled employees to affiliate banks in the hopes of staying on high ground. Major hallways were closed to foot traffic, to allow mail carts carrying more loads of printouts to reach executives as speedily as possible. And after about 100 people were forced to attempt to return a half-eaten birthday cake mistakenly charged to a corporate account for a refund Thursday afternoon, officials ordered a total stop to employee gatherings.
“This is definitely ground zero right now,” said Patrick Horvemonger, a trader for the financial derivatives desk. “Once you get here, into predictions above the levels we have ever seen before, you’re taking about unbroken ground. Even we don’t know for certain what’s going to happen.”
People here found themselves facing added challenges given the singular dimensions of this flood. Once the red ink crests, it is expected to stain the hallways for many days.
Despite the threat, “We plan to remain incautious, loosely observant and to get in at least 9 holes before drinks at 6 tonight,” said Kelvin Bean, an ombudsman.
“We do not want to give up yet,” CEO Tanis Walker of Wells Fargo said late Thursday night after receiving yet another piece of gruesome news. Forecasters now believe the red ink will go right on rising, and by Saturday overtake the record set here more than a century ago by $1.00 or even more, much higher than anyone here had earlier believed possible.
“We want to go down swinging — if we go down,” the CEO said, as he urged his underlings to summon the money to build the hedge funds that protect them from having to write off yet another summer house on Lake Como, Italy, by Friday night.
“I’m going to be devastated if we lose,” said Mr. Walker, who had, only a few days ago, expressed optimism, even certainty, that Wells Fargo, a bank with 90,000 employees, would be fine.
By Friday morning, some departments here had transferred employees to other facilities miles away, and HR had shuffled employees to affiliate banks in the hopes of staying on high ground. Major hallways were closed to foot traffic, to allow mail carts carrying more loads of printouts to reach executives as speedily as possible. And after about 100 people were forced to attempt to return a half-eaten birthday cake mistakenly charged to a corporate account for a refund Thursday afternoon, officials ordered a total stop to employee gatherings.
“This is definitely ground zero right now,” said Patrick Horvemonger, a trader for the financial derivatives desk. “Once you get here, into predictions above the levels we have ever seen before, you’re taking about unbroken ground. Even we don’t know for certain what’s going to happen.”
People here found themselves facing added challenges given the singular dimensions of this flood. Once the red ink crests, it is expected to stain the hallways for many days.
Despite the threat, “We plan to remain incautious, loosely observant and to get in at least 9 holes before drinks at 6 tonight,” said Kelvin Bean, an ombudsman.
Friday, December 12, 2008
5-day work week suspended; Administration reveals suspensions plan
Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush revealed plans for further suspensions of constitutional rights, after signing into law a measure to suspend the 5-day work week.
The office of the President (Ret.) and Congressional Republicans negotiated in good faith with all concerned, but Labor leaders who somehow survived the purge of 2005 refused to negotiate in any capacity on extending the standard work week from a maximum of 40 hours without lunch per week to a maximum of 48 hours without lunch per week, raising fraudulent objections that derailed important measures before Congress. These 'objections' consisted of a claim that this measure extended the work week from 5 days to 6 without a commensurate increase in pay," said Mouthpiece of Evil, the Demon-Goat Quaralisthus.
Labor leaders did not return messages requesting comment. Curiously, all leaders' automated messages did not appear to have been updated since late October, as all consisted of variations on screams of agony and a cacophany of demonic laughter.
In reaction, the Bush Administration issued two edicts, the first declaring the temporary suspension of the 5-day work week. "Employers rejoice! Slavery is now not only permitted, but encouraged with tax breaks. Those proving slavery measures have been put into effect for at least 1 week will be entitled to tax breaks that include negative offsets," read part of Edict 1, indicating that government payments will be made to corporations enslaving their workers.
"Much progress towards this end has already been made independently of this edict by many valued organizations," said Quaralisthus during the ensuing question and answer session.
Edict 2 was an advisory measure intended for oil and banking concerns to prepare for the next stages of the long-planned financial apocalypse. In order, the rights of inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed to be abridged will be:
1) Right of habeous corpus (already modified to: Right of coprocorpus[right to be covered with shit])
2) Right of pursuit of happiness (irrelevant, as happiness has been curtailed by other means)
3) Right of assembly (already eliminated)
4) Right to life
Existing protections on liberty and to keep and bear arms were notably exempt from this list. The administration has previously voiced its support for related rulings being maintained or increased.
The office of the President (Ret.) and Congressional Republicans negotiated in good faith with all concerned, but Labor leaders who somehow survived the purge of 2005 refused to negotiate in any capacity on extending the standard work week from a maximum of 40 hours without lunch per week to a maximum of 48 hours without lunch per week, raising fraudulent objections that derailed important measures before Congress. These 'objections' consisted of a claim that this measure extended the work week from 5 days to 6 without a commensurate increase in pay," said Mouthpiece of Evil, the Demon-Goat Quaralisthus.
Labor leaders did not return messages requesting comment. Curiously, all leaders' automated messages did not appear to have been updated since late October, as all consisted of variations on screams of agony and a cacophany of demonic laughter.
In reaction, the Bush Administration issued two edicts, the first declaring the temporary suspension of the 5-day work week. "Employers rejoice! Slavery is now not only permitted, but encouraged with tax breaks. Those proving slavery measures have been put into effect for at least 1 week will be entitled to tax breaks that include negative offsets," read part of Edict 1, indicating that government payments will be made to corporations enslaving their workers.
"Much progress towards this end has already been made independently of this edict by many valued organizations," said Quaralisthus during the ensuing question and answer session.
Edict 2 was an advisory measure intended for oil and banking concerns to prepare for the next stages of the long-planned financial apocalypse. In order, the rights of inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed to be abridged will be:
1) Right of habeous corpus (already modified to: Right of coprocorpus[right to be covered with shit])
2) Right of pursuit of happiness (irrelevant, as happiness has been curtailed by other means)
3) Right of assembly (already eliminated)
4) Right to life
Existing protections on liberty and to keep and bear arms were notably exempt from this list. The administration has previously voiced its support for related rulings being maintained or increased.
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