AT&T spokesman wins doublespeak award for pretending to offer tethering to excited iPhone users

Omaha, Nebraska--AT&T spokesman Aaron Darling today reportedly received a Spokesman of the Year award from AT&T for his comments to Wired magazine yesterday, in which he managed to convey the impression that AT&T is planning to support tethering with new iPhones announced yesterday. Tethering, which lets a computer user connect to the Internet through the iPhone's Internet connection, and a host of other features were announced today by Apple.

In a stunning use of doublespeak, Darling spoke thusly:

“We plan to offer a tethering plan, but don’t have an announcement to make at this time. [...] We absolutely will offer MMS on iPhone 3G S and iPhone 3G with 3.0 upgrades in late summer once we complete some system upgrades that will ensure our customers have the best experience with MMS. These upgrades are unrelated to our 3G network.”

The commendatory certificate reads, in part:

Whereas his statement conveys the impression that tethering and the full suite of iPhone 3G S and iPhone OS 3.0 features (announced today by Apple) will be supported by AT&T, it in fact, accurately delivers the following information:

• iPhone users will never be allowed to use tethering
  
• MMS messaging will be offered at a substantial cost to iPhone users before the end of the first fiscal quarter of AT&T's fiscal year 2010, or once system upgrades and customer satisfaction surveys are complete, which could take many years
• Features of the iPhone OS 3.0 will not be supported for the old (previous) model of the iPhone 3G until the first fiscal quarter of AT&T's fiscal year 2010, or once system upgrades and customer satisfaction surveys are complete, which could take many years
  
• All statements about MMS and iPhone support are subject to change or cancellation
  

In his acceptance speech, Darling promised that "Acceptance of this object in no way denotes endorsement of the concept that I express opinion for or have express knowledge of the plans of any corporate entity."

He continued, "The purpose of AT&T may be, as it were, to hold a mirror up to user expectation; to exact payment for the return of once-removed features as if for new, to deliver the opposite of what's desired, indeed, to generally define the very age and body of our time through 2-year contracts and constant peer pressure."

Researchers announce lab mice are now 100% free of all diseases

Researchers at the University of Southern California today announced that, according to lists of diseases published by the American Rodent Association, "viable cures" had been found for all diseases affecting white laboratory mice.

Although many of the diseases were first inflicted upon mice by human researchers seeking to understand human diseases, analogous cures for humans remain elusive.

Mouse advocate Gerry Hanford of Leeds, UK noted,"The community of mouse advocates welcomes this news with open arms. Mice are now well equipped to enter the new century of pandemic, superpowered, human pathogens, and emerge as the new dominant species on the planet."

Banks evacuated as losses rise

WELLS FARGO, N.A. — Along the spreadsheets of the corporate finance desk, red ink surpassed its highest level in history Friday morning, forcing the emergency evacuation of two bank branches before dawn and leading banking leaders here, once cheerfully upbeat, to sound far more dire.

“We do not want to give up yet,” CEO Tanis Walker of Wells Fargo said late Thursday night after receiving yet another piece of gruesome news. Forecasters now believe the red ink will go right on rising, and by Saturday overtake the record set here more than a century ago by $1.00 or even more, much higher than anyone here had earlier believed possible.

“We want to go down swinging — if we go down,” the CEO said, as he urged his underlings to summon the money to build the hedge funds that protect them from having to write off yet another summer house on Lake Como, Italy, by Friday night.

“I’m going to be devastated if we lose,” said Mr. Walker, who had, only a few days ago, expressed optimism, even certainty, that Wells Fargo, a bank with 90,000 employees, would be fine.

By Friday morning, some departments here had transferred employees to other facilities miles away, and HR had shuffled employees to affiliate banks in the hopes of staying on high ground. Major hallways were closed to foot traffic, to allow mail carts carrying more loads of printouts to reach executives as speedily as possible. And after about 100 people were forced to attempt to return a half-eaten birthday cake mistakenly charged to a corporate account for a refund Thursday afternoon, officials ordered a total stop to employee gatherings.

“This is definitely ground zero right now,” said Patrick Horvemonger, a trader for the financial derivatives desk. “Once you get here, into predictions above the levels we have ever seen before, you’re taking about unbroken ground. Even we don’t know for certain what’s going to happen.”

People here found themselves facing added challenges given the singular dimensions of this flood. Once the red ink crests, it is expected to stain the hallways for many days.

Despite the threat, “We plan to remain incautious, loosely observant and to get in at least 9 holes before drinks at 6 tonight,” said Kelvin Bean, an ombudsman.