US Loses Status as a Human Civilization

The United States was stripped of its status as a human civilization on Thursday when experts from around the world unanimously voted to redefine it as "Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed," leaving just 7 civilizations in the G-8, and by extension the world.

With one vote, maps, models of the world, and hundreds of years of political thought became instantly obsolete, forcing teachers and publishers to scramble to update textbooks and lessons used in classrooms for decades.

"This land is now officially part of the netherworld between pleasure and pain, and life and death, for all mortals," Jerry Ultimate Darkness of the California Institute of Demonology bluntly told reporters on a teleconference.

Discovered around 880 AD by Bear-Fighter Son of Ulf the Crow, in 1492 by mystic

       .S.          
   .S  .A.  S.    
    Χ   M   Ψ     
 :Χpo-Ferens./ ,

and millions of years earlier by migrant cave workers, the area of the North American land mass has traditionally been considered the equivalent of other land masses on the planet, and its inhabitants were, generally speaking, thought to be human.

However, the definition of a human civilization approved after a heated debate among 2,500 theologians, philosophers and phenomenologists from the International Scientific and Alchemical Standards Union (ISASU) meeting in Prague drew a clear distinction between the land occupied by the United States and the other continents, and their inhabitants.

Messengers of the overlords of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed had no immediate public comment, but privately dismissed the move as "semantics." Other commentators accepted the innovation and noted that it might explain numerous characteristics of the population, such as their tendency to grow superhumanly obese and bathe in unprocessed oil.

Studies Confirm Studies Are Well-Studied (Amid Debate)

A set of matched scientific post-hoc re-analyses of multiple scientific studies conducted in the US, Europe, and Australia confirmed today that the subject of scientific studies was extremely well-studied.

The studies jointly confirmed that of 78 scientific studies conducted around the world since 2000, over 6,000 re-analyses and post-hoc investigations had been conducted per study to validate methodologies, confirm data, investigate anomalies, control for factors that were not part of the original data set, or regressively analyze data for outcomes that had not been anticipated but seemed logical.

The results matched well with what investigators had predicted in a published methodological article. However, reaction in the scientific community was mixed at best, as several key data tables in the studies indicated that there was a numerical trend towards studies being well-studied, but the data did not reach statistical significance -- needed for any attribution of scientific proof.

"Clearly, further investigation is needed," said Norm Heighlock, editor of the journal Methode. "To a scientist," Dr. Heighlock explained, "the authors' conclusion is unconvincing, and may well fly in the face of fact."

Plot to Imagine a Number Greater that 10 Uncovered

In a chilling reminder that Al-Quaeda continues to threaten the very foundations of biologic life on the planet, the UK's Scotland Yard issued a statement describing how it foiled the organization's latest plot.

Deputy Commissioner Paul Stephenson of Scotland Yard revealed that the plan intended to cause untold confusion and disorder in the public and unravel the molecular fabric of life itself. Stephenson said: "We believe that the terrorists' aim was, by subterfuge, to add two numbers to the counting system in use around the world, one named al-eben, and the other named twa'lif. We also believe that the intended targets were classrooms in the United Kingdom and the United States of America."

According to Stephenson, "significant" numbers of ethnic nonwhites are reportedly in custody and the operation will be in full swing until very close to the November two-zed-zed-six or even the November two-zed-zed-eight US elections. The operation was said to be "lengthly" and "complex," involving long division, multiplication, and even a special tool on loan from the US Central Intelligence Agency to determine prime numbers, which "al-eben" was said to be.

The UK was said to be at the highest level of terrorism alert, while the US had upgraded its condition to "Red" (significance unknown). Stephenson reassured the public that all appropriate safety measures were being taken to restrict travel, speech, discussion, protest, and thought of all UK citizens to ensure they are not exposed to the terrorist numbers.

He concluded, "We ask for people's continued help and patience at these very difficult times. We are genuinely looking to the public to remain calm, patient and vigilant. But we cannot stress too highly the severity that this plot represented. Put simply this was intended to be counting on an unimaginable scale."

In a question-and-answer session immediately after the statement he said that 21 people were currently in custody.

Israeli attack "in its last throes," says Hezbollah

In a live interview with Al-Jazeera television, Hezbollah spokesman Hussein Rahal declared that the state of Israel was "on the verge of collapse" and that the Israeli offensive into Lebanon was "in its last throes."

Meanwhile, Israel's Defense Forces reported that massive damage had been done to the Hezbollah organization, and that Hezbollah would be crushed by the end of 2015.

Rahal continued, "Declaring a cease-fire is not the concern of the people of Lebanon as long as there is one Israeli soldier on Lebanese soil."

Reached for comment, an Israeli bomb indicated it would send a powerful message to its intended target. A Hezbollah rocket about to launch at a target in Israel echoed similar sentiments.