US Loses Status as a Human Civilization

The United States was stripped of its status as a human civilization on Thursday when experts from around the world unanimously voted to redefine it as "Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed," leaving just 7 civilizations in the G-8, and by extension the world.

With one vote, maps, models of the world, and hundreds of years of political thought became instantly obsolete, forcing teachers and publishers to scramble to update textbooks and lessons used in classrooms for decades.

"This land is now officially part of the netherworld between pleasure and pain, and life and death, for all mortals," Jerry Ultimate Darkness of the California Institute of Demonology bluntly told reporters on a teleconference.

Discovered around 880 AD by Bear-Fighter Son of Ulf the Crow, in 1492 by mystic

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 :Χpo-Ferens./ ,

and millions of years earlier by migrant cave workers, the area of the North American land mass has traditionally been considered the equivalent of other land masses on the planet, and its inhabitants were, generally speaking, thought to be human.

However, the definition of a human civilization approved after a heated debate among 2,500 theologians, philosophers and phenomenologists from the International Scientific and Alchemical Standards Union (ISASU) meeting in Prague drew a clear distinction between the land occupied by the United States and the other continents, and their inhabitants.

Messengers of the overlords of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed had no immediate public comment, but privately dismissed the move as "semantics." Other commentators accepted the innovation and noted that it might explain numerous characteristics of the population, such as their tendency to grow superhumanly obese and bathe in unprocessed oil.