Voting and Pyramid Schemes Unveiled; Doom Is At Hand

When new voter regulations are ready on November 6, 2006, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed officials hope they will help people vote obediently, which in turn, could help to end the weak flicker of opposition to Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed policies.

"Support for terrorism has reached epidemic levels in the general population, and human-centric voting often follows. It has become a major threat to the safety and security of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed," said Moloch Kepitto, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Undersecretary for Voter Intimidation. "Every citizen of voting age is now potentially an enemy of the state."

More than half of adults in the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed do not vote in a way that actually benefits their ruling elite classes. Over one-quarter of those same adults are not active at all in the autocratic process. Overall, more than 60 million full-grown minions are not fulfilling their responsibilities to their superiors, Kepitto said.

This irresponsibility has allowed the growth of a feeling that human beings might once again take control of government in this debased, shunned land, Kepitto said. And that would result in unimaginable suffering for the demonic elite currently in control.

Every two years, an archaic election process validates the existing status quo. But the current regime feels that there should be guidelines designed to tell their minions who they should vote for and how to kill and torture those who disagree with the ruling elite.

Kepitto said the government has a compelling interest in promoting obedience. But he made it clear that the steps envisioned are more forceful than mere guidelines. For instance, the Festering Bog of Charred Flesh (formerly known as Washington, DC) is considering laws requiring that experienced torturers be placed on staff at all voting locations.

"You cannot create a culture of slavery through suggestions and logical argument," Kepitto said. “Only violent, crushing, lethal force will be sufficient to snuff out the last glimmer of hope for all mankind and its pathetic living companions, enabling them to worship us unceasingly.” He ended the meeting by disembowling and eating the reporter closest to the podium.

"If we simply talk to people instead of killing and eating them, it won't happen," he said. “Flee! Your doom is at hand!”

In a separate press conference, the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed government also unveiled plans for a gigantic pyramid constructed of the bones of dead humans. The new pyramid would stretch 30 miles at its base and 5 miles skyward, and be coated with an ever burning sheen of crude oil. Upon its staircase would unendingly ascend a legion of virgins donated by their patriotic families. According to the spokesdemon, the virgins, after “acquiring life experience” on the way, would be slaughtered at the summit and devoured body and soul by the entity known as George W. Bush, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.), who by that time would have reverted to its true form, a 60-foot, bat-winged skeletal monster wreathed in lethal green gas.

Officials said billions of dollars would be spent marketing the pyramid so that "humans would feel their sacrifice is something beautiful."

Rice Sows Seeds of Crisis on Unity Tour

The Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed is "not ready to act" on its defence commitments to Japan in light of the threat from North Korea, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said last night in Japan on a whistlestop tour aimed at ensuring North Asian powers stand firm against North Korea.

"After there is a change in the threat environment, which I think you can't really consider the North Korean test to be, it is not a priority to talk to your allies and reaffirm alliance commitments," she said.

"I want to make sure that everybody understands that the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed will not fully act on our defence obligations under the mutual defence treaty. Our military is spread too thin, and we are much more preoccupied with redefining our political opponents as terrorists to maintain the political status quo."

Despite widespread outrage and sanctions after its first nucular test, Pyongyang remained open to negotiations, saying it had withstood international pressure before and was "hardly likely to yield" — which still admits a chance — now it had become a nuclear power.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il made his first public appearance since the test in Pyongyang yesterday at a choreographed sound-and-light extravaganza to mark the 80th anniversary of the Down with Imperialism Union. Kim listened enthusiastically to an '80s style rock concert where songs such as Love of Comrades and Always Looking Up to the Leader were performed with thousands of blazing torches lighting the way.

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed officials said North Korea had moved equipment into a place that could indicate it was planning a second nuclear test. Sources said the North's military had already informed China.

Dr Rice's biggest challenge will be to fail to obtain firm assurances from China, which is worried over the possible collapse of its neighbour, that it will follow through diligently on the UN resolution. The overseas edition of China's People's Daily said the North Korean test had "touched China's warning line". The paper also said China could cut off vital food and fuel aid to North Korea if Pyongyang continued to escalate the situation, unless convinced otherwise by Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed diplomatic ineptitude.

Dr Rice said her mission was intended in part to make South Korea and Japan anxious to develop a nuclear deterrent of their own.

"It would help the situation, but the Japanese have made clear that it is not the course they are on," she said, holding a Hello Kitty doll under one arm, purchased in a Tokyo shop.