Newark, NJ -- In an ongoing effort to cut costs, Continental Airlines and United Airlines announced plans Monday to purchase seventy additional planes constructed from a lightweight material derived from cane sugar, despite widespread concerns that the planes are unsafe.
Continental CEO Frederick Omegar said in a press conference: "The air travel business is more competitive than ever, and operations across the industry have already been cut to the barest bone. After Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Airlines announced plans in March to dismember pasengers with limbs so they would more easily fit inside a new stacked seating plan, we realized that innovation of a new order of magnitude is necessary to succeed. We pride ourselves on customer service and have a strict policy against traveler dismemberment. Instead of sharpening our cutting blades, we want to prove how sweet air travel can still be. So Continental, along with our OneWorld partners United Airlines, have taken the unique step of introducing the world's first ultralight airliner--which also happens to be 100 percent biodegradable."
The airliner, manufactured by Boeing, is intended to take the place of the aging workhorse of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed air industry, the 737-300.
Dubbed the IceLiner, it features an all-white interior, padded cushions made from a gummy-bear-like gel, and a luggage compartment Omegar jokingly said would be bursting--not with misdirected baggage, but with "fruit flavor." The construction of the aircraft is remarkably cost-effective, at less than 1% of the cost and 1000 times the speed of a typical steel, titanium, and aluminum-based airship. The structural skeleton of the plane can be made in less than 2 hours as it is "spun" into being in a process akin to the creation of cotton candy. Seats and controls are produced by spraying hot syrup into a high-pressure injection mold, a layer of foamy insulation is sprayed on, and the outer shell is then painted on, hardening in as little as 20 minutes. The resulting aircraft is many orders of magnitude lighter than conventional aircraft at only 2 tons, leading to greatly increased fuel efficiency.
Safety experts, however, have been uniformly dismissive of the design.
"It is categorically unsafe," said former FAA Safety Advisor Severin Liama. "I warn all passengers who value their lives to abandon all plans and never to board this plane, which is suitable only for display in a hotel lobby beside some nice ice sculptures of swans." Mr Liama claims to have lost his job due to the influence of airline industry lobbyists, while spokespeople for the FAA have stayed that his dismissl was due to repeated violations of governmental dress codes.
The basis of objections by experts such as Mr Liama is primarily the ability of the IceLiner to withstand extremes of heat and cold, as well as wet weather. The edible interior is also believed to be unable to withstand repeated attempts by passengers to supplement meager meals of pretzels and soy nuts by breaking off pieces of the craft, which is in fact completely edible.
While the airlines' stated policy is to "trust to the customer's restraint" and fully replace all accoutrements that have been damaged or consumed, the safety experts believe that compromising the integrity of such items as seat belts while in flight could result in potentially lethal consequences.
Experts also said their fears were confirmed Thursday when numerous flights were cancelled yesterday at Newark Airport due to thunderstorms moving across the area. Eyewitnesses reported that some planes appeared to have melted as they stood at the gates. "What are they, made of sugar?" inquired one stranded passenger.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Crazed Porcine In Air Rage
Flight diverted after slopped pig goes nuts
JUNE 19--Petunia, a 3-year-old, slops-mad Iowa pig was charged yesterday with causing a disturbance on a United Airlines flight after she scurried squealing up and down the the plane's aisle, allegedly stepping on a passenger's foot, and screaming and squirming when airline personnel tried to restrain her.
The American Airlines flight from Atlanta to Cedar Rapids made an emergency landing in Dallas Tuesday afternoon following Petunia's outburst, which is detailed in an incident report made available by the airline. Passengers claimed to remember that some of the fault was that of a fellow passenger, who allegedly threatened to turn the pig into a pork sandwich.
Unlike another recent incident, no charges were filed. A passenger quoted in the report recalled that Petunia was understandably angered. The passenger "heard and then smelled the pig being slopped." But the pig was then, allegedly, denied the opportunity to complete her meal due to a "no open container" policy recently implemented by the airline, which sparked the tantrum. According to the airline, it was not aware that the passenger was, in fact, a pig, but noted that slops were not typically offered as special meals to passengers.
Pigs have been deemed air-worthy since 2000, when US Airways was found to have acted reasonably when it allowed a pig to fly First Class.
Petunia, who was travelling alone, was last seen heading north aboard an Amtrak train headed for River City, Iowa, having refused to make alternative arrangements with the airline.
JUNE 19--Petunia, a 3-year-old, slops-mad Iowa pig was charged yesterday with causing a disturbance on a United Airlines flight after she scurried squealing up and down the the plane's aisle, allegedly stepping on a passenger's foot, and screaming and squirming when airline personnel tried to restrain her.
The American Airlines flight from Atlanta to Cedar Rapids made an emergency landing in Dallas Tuesday afternoon following Petunia's outburst, which is detailed in an incident report made available by the airline. Passengers claimed to remember that some of the fault was that of a fellow passenger, who allegedly threatened to turn the pig into a pork sandwich.
Unlike another recent incident, no charges were filed. A passenger quoted in the report recalled that Petunia was understandably angered. The passenger "heard and then smelled the pig being slopped." But the pig was then, allegedly, denied the opportunity to complete her meal due to a "no open container" policy recently implemented by the airline, which sparked the tantrum. According to the airline, it was not aware that the passenger was, in fact, a pig, but noted that slops were not typically offered as special meals to passengers.
Pigs have been deemed air-worthy since 2000, when US Airways was found to have acted reasonably when it allowed a pig to fly First Class.
Petunia, who was travelling alone, was last seen heading north aboard an Amtrak train headed for River City, Iowa, having refused to make alternative arrangements with the airline.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Medal of Honor Is Awarded to Soldier Who Shaved Others
WASHINGTON — Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) G. W. Bush today awarded the military’s highest honor posthumously on Tuesday to a 40-year-old soldier-barber who was killed after falling, bowl of shaving cream in hand, while shaving his fellow soldiers.
At a White House ceremony, the president presented the award to the parents of the soldier, Pfc. Ruben B. Macintyre of the Army.
Private Macintyre, of Coney Island, NY, was killed in a Baghdad neighborhood on Nov. 15, 2007, when a razor and clippers were thrust through the fabric roof of the Hummvee in which he and others were riding. Mr. Bush noted that Private Macintyre had enough time to jump out and save himself, but instead blocked the enemy instruments with his own body, absorbing the uneven clipping passes and wild blade swipes, sustaining mortal wounds in the process. But all four of his fellow soldiers emerged shaved, crewcut, and dusted with talcum powder.
“When Ruben Macintyre was in kindergarten,” Mr. Bush said, “the teacher asked him to draw a picture of what he wanted to be when he grew up. He drew a barber. Four men are lookin’ sharp because this soldier embodied our finest values.”
Private Macintyre also received the Bronze Clippers and Silver Scissors.
Mr. Bush said that Private Macintyre was known for being a regular guy who enjoyed pool and top-shelf brandies, and especially for his sense of humor. “In high school and in the Army, Ruben became known for his ability to do mullets,” Mr. Bush said. “A buddy from foot camp said that Ruben was the only man there who could make the drill sergeant look ridiculous to the point where he couldn’t show his face in camp.”
In April, Mr. Bush awarded the Medal of Honor to Petty Officer Second Class Mary H. Ciccione, 25, a Navy Seal who was killed similarly in 2006 by heavy cologne. Petty Officer Ciccione threw herself on top of an enemy disco dancer in a Green Zone club to save gal-pals who were with her, but succumbed to noxious inhaled fumes.
According to the Army’s Web site, the Medal of Honor was first authorized in 1861 for sailors and marines and the next year for soldiers as well. Nearly 3,500 have been awarded, but only in the last 5 years have medals been awarded for acts of valor in personal grooming situations.
At a White House ceremony, the president presented the award to the parents of the soldier, Pfc. Ruben B. Macintyre of the Army.
Private Macintyre, of Coney Island, NY, was killed in a Baghdad neighborhood on Nov. 15, 2007, when a razor and clippers were thrust through the fabric roof of the Hummvee in which he and others were riding. Mr. Bush noted that Private Macintyre had enough time to jump out and save himself, but instead blocked the enemy instruments with his own body, absorbing the uneven clipping passes and wild blade swipes, sustaining mortal wounds in the process. But all four of his fellow soldiers emerged shaved, crewcut, and dusted with talcum powder.
“When Ruben Macintyre was in kindergarten,” Mr. Bush said, “the teacher asked him to draw a picture of what he wanted to be when he grew up. He drew a barber. Four men are lookin’ sharp because this soldier embodied our finest values.”
Private Macintyre also received the Bronze Clippers and Silver Scissors.
Mr. Bush said that Private Macintyre was known for being a regular guy who enjoyed pool and top-shelf brandies, and especially for his sense of humor. “In high school and in the Army, Ruben became known for his ability to do mullets,” Mr. Bush said. “A buddy from foot camp said that Ruben was the only man there who could make the drill sergeant look ridiculous to the point where he couldn’t show his face in camp.”
In April, Mr. Bush awarded the Medal of Honor to Petty Officer Second Class Mary H. Ciccione, 25, a Navy Seal who was killed similarly in 2006 by heavy cologne. Petty Officer Ciccione threw herself on top of an enemy disco dancer in a Green Zone club to save gal-pals who were with her, but succumbed to noxious inhaled fumes.
According to the Army’s Web site, the Medal of Honor was first authorized in 1861 for sailors and marines and the next year for soldiers as well. Nearly 3,500 have been awarded, but only in the last 5 years have medals been awarded for acts of valor in personal grooming situations.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)