Bush Makes Good On Pledge to Take Care of Leakers

There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. If there's leaks out of my administration, I want to know who it is, and if the person has violated the law, the person will be taken care of.

- George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

With Karl Rove outed as the source for the Valerie Plame leak, US President George W. Bush has vowed to continue to "take care of" his embattled Chief of Staff. Measures to be taken include the introduction of round-the-clock concierge service, a weekly manicure and pedicure, hot towel service three times daily, and as-needed visits from a shiatsu massage expert.

All leakers will receive similar or harsher treatments, stated a White House spokesman, off the record. A number of deep-tissue masseuses are "on call" should any other leakers come forward or have their identities revealed by unscrupulous individuals, who would themselves become leakers subject to punitive kneading.

In a related story, Dark Matter has received full identity information on multiple CIA operatives, but has destroyed this information in order to ensure continued availability of top-rated spa services in the Washington DC area for our correspondents.

Massive Rescue Operation for CNN Crews in Wake of Hurricane Dennis

Journalists are praying for the well-being of their colleagues today after two CNN crews covering Hurricane Dennis were swept out to sea by giant waves last night.

"If it's not hundred-foot waves, it's man-eating sharks out here," said Anderson Cooper, in an interview hastily broadcast from his sinking satellite truck. Cooper's truck had crashed through a concrete barrier and dropped off a low cliff into raging seas. The truck, rapidly filling with water, lost transmission capabilities before the interview could be completed.

Others now missing include newscaster Soledad O'Brien, whose last reported words were "So, no, this isn't tanning weather, Aaron." Eyewitness accounts say that as O'Brien and her news crew packed up their gear after a broadcast, a 200-foot wave smashed across the seawall they were standing on, pulling them out to sea.

The US Coast Guard has launched what was characterized as a "massive" rescue operation to find the missing newscasters. Hundreds more newscasters have rushed to the area to cover this gripping story. Both reporters were said to be strong swimmers, but rumors are circulating that Coast Guard officials have them listed as "missing, presumed drowned." Additionally, both were lost in the general vicinity of recent shark attacks.

In Eloquent Statements, Bush Seeks to Mend Ties with Europe

In an eloquent speech today marking the close of the G-8 Summit, President George W. Bush of the United States urged Britons to abandon doubts that "we are winning the war on terror." In a ringing coda marred only slightly by a mispronounciation, Bush declared, "Today, we are all Brutons."

Later in the day Bush attempted to mend frayed ties with France by pointedly ordering "fromage," on Air Force One, unfortunately typoed "frottage" on the menu.