There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. If there's leaks out of my administration, I want to know who it is, and if the person has violated the law, the person will be taken care of.
- George W. Bush, September 30, 2003
With Karl Rove outed as the source for the Valerie Plame leak, US President George W. Bush has vowed to continue to "take care of" his embattled Chief of Staff. Measures to be taken include the introduction of round-the-clock concierge service, a weekly manicure and pedicure, hot towel service three times daily, and as-needed visits from a shiatsu massage expert.
All leakers will receive similar or harsher treatments, stated a White House spokesman, off the record. A number of deep-tissue masseuses are "on call" should any other leakers come forward or have their identities revealed by unscrupulous individuals, who would themselves become leakers subject to punitive kneading.
In a related story, Dark Matter has received full identity information on multiple CIA operatives, but has destroyed this information in order to ensure continued availability of top-rated spa services in the Washington DC area for our correspondents.
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