Rockport, Massachussetts poured its first legal drink in 150 years on July 12th. The drink was a dry martini, "as dry as this town was," quipped Peter Beacham,16, the orderer of the drink. He was later found stumbling around town, knocking hats off gentlemen, turning crosses upside-down, and threatening passers-by that he would "knock yah blocks off if you come any closah." The town had been dry since 1856.
Across the state, shockingly pale women went topless in a shocking display of public nudity, men gambled their money away, brawled, grew beards, and stumbled half-conscious onto merchant marine boats bound for the South Seas, drug addicts added "a little extra" to their IV lines, and generations of steely-eyed patriots, including John Kerry (D-MA), rolled in their graves.
Senator John Breaux of Louisiana (D-LA), when reached for comment, stated "I'm sure in time Rockport will become more comfortable with the New Orleans lifestyle." He said that he "might consider" such a place for a vacation now that the town was no longer dry.
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