Humans "Worthless and Weak" Say Scientists

Unlike the majority of other species on the planet, humanity has done no good for the planet, said a cross-disciplinary consortium of scientists today. Humanity is also, relatively speaking, the most vulnerable non-endangered species when it comes to changes to its gene pool, such as mass deaths on a scale in the thousands, or genetic disease.

Commenting on the vulnerability issue, anthropologist Dee Snyder of Stanford University said, "You're all worthless and weak."

Regarding the species' contribution to the planet, "humans contribute only disease and pollution," said Dr. John Smith of Macquarie University in Sydney. "Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment. Humans do not. They move to an area and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way they can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. "

A countervailing group of scientists studying the same subject came to different conclusions. "We believe the data studied indicate that although humans have their problems like all others, they essentially act in harmony with their environment and other species, and are more resilient than would first appear," said Dr. Robert Mounty of McMaster University. "They are like tea bags: you never know how strong they are until they are put in hot water. And they have properties that aid the health of the general environment."

Mounty's group had been part of the first consortium but broke off when they began to study the use of language. Mounty reportedly stormed out of a conference shouting, "Sir, I do not approve of your methods!" to project leader Jim Malone of the University of Chicago.