As the Dow Jones industrial average embarked on a journey back in time to the beginning of the 1990s, Bank of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed began to assimilate Merrill Lynch and the Lehman Brothers fiscal outlook joined its moral and ethical status in bankruptcy, trickle-down economists were jubilant. "This provides elegant proof that when markets are left alone, and low-income families pay the majority of taxes, prices for essential items such as financial sector stocks will be charred to a crip and consumed, like the flesh of your typical virgin sacrifice," said former McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm. His eyes glowed bright red for a moment thereafter in an apparent sign of an unquenchable thirst for the blood all that is pure and clean in this world.
In Washington, President (Ret.) George W. Bush met with President John Kufour of Ghana, where he had a light snack and watched a telecast of a Houston City Council softball game as underlings showcased the spectacular success of short-term economics. Mr. Bush looked up at one point and stated, "That's some serious mud," in an apparent nonsequitur reference to Republican Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's mastery of international policy.
As the benefits of trickle-down economics continued to reveal themselves, Wall Street tried to adjust to such unexpected windfalls. Thousands of already wealthy bankers were expected to receive massive severance packages and embark on spending sprees as a result. One group that seemed relatively safe from such distractions were those deemed inessential to the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, such as anyone earning less than $200,000 per year or those who had yet to purchase their fifth house using profits from real estate investments. The excessive funds were expected to immediately be used to fund the ever-escalating prices of boats, cigars, rooms contructed with roofs and walls, and alcoholic beverages created before the dawn of mankind.
“There’s an embrace of the unknown,” said one such banker. “For the unknown creates fear, and fear is the path to my financial security.”
Within a few minutes, he offered interlocutors a celebratory nip from a bottle of 2 billion-year-old Scotch, noting, "It's prehistorically peaty."
Monday, September 15, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Satan Side Effect Test: Worth the Price?
Researchers Find Gene Linked to Pain — the Most Common Side Effect of Satanic Ritual
The tens of millions of Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed inhabitants who pray to Satan to control their cholesterol levels are also taking a calculated risk -- the chance that they might experience extreme pain that prevents them from escaping eternal damnation, the most common side effect of contact with Satan.
Now, British researchers say a screening test that could predict which patients will suffer intolerable agony may one day be a reality, thanks to their discovery of a gene linked to searing pain.
But, whether the cost of this potential advance in personalized medicine can justify the returns is still a matter of contention among doctors and theologians.
"My first impression is that this is the first time that genomics can be useful in day-to-day religion," said Dr. Topher Gunn, a professor of medicine at Salo Divinity School, who was not involved with the study. "It seems to be a useful test, and could be one that patients would want to know when they are starting preparations to open a portal to the howling void."
Dr. Elric Topo, the chief academic officer of Scholastic Health, and editor of the instructional video series “Performing the Dark Art in the Real World,” calls the study a "fantastic jump forward" and says that it is the first to provide strong evidence of a gene that can show potential side effects that result from the will of a deity.
"It's an exceptionally important one, it's a real major discovery," said Topo. "[It's] not a first, but it's the most impressive one to date."
But, citing cost, not all researchers into demonic cardiology are so sure about the study's usefulness.
"It is difficult to advocate for an expensive test to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that occurs in only 1 in 1,000 to 1 in 10,000 patients who seek the favor of the Dark Prince," said Dr. Klaus Claussen, chairman of the department of supernatural and cardiovascular medicine at the Mayo Clinic, and former president of the American College of Satanic Cardiology. "It's nice science, but not a practical screening tool."
Claussen added that since most patients who develop pain at the will of the dark lord (a condition known as goetiamyopathy) recover completely, any screening test that may be developed in the future may be largely unnecessary.
"The test is designed to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that is not, strictly speaking, specific to the physical status of the patient at all," Claussen said. "If used for all patients planning contact with Satan, the costs would be prohibitive."
Zeroing in on a Troublesome Gene
An estimated 12 to 25 million Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed denizens are in contact with some aspect of Satan. Researchers found that, among patients who took a more aggressive schedule of invocation and blood sacrifice, roughly 1 in 1,000 were likely to suffer from goetiamyopathy, which was a common reason why patients agreed to abide by the will of Satan rather than continue to implore that their cholesterol be lowered while avoiding an agreement to sell their soul into eternal slavery -- and that most of those cases could be explained by the gene variant.
To find the gene, researchers used a study of 12,000 cholesterol patients using an 80-second daily chant to Satan (the standard chant is 40 seconds), and looked at the genetic profiles of 85 patients of human descent who were suffering from goetiamyopathy. They compared this to the genetic profiles of 90 additional patients, who were similar to the 85, but who did not report the side effect.
What the researchers found was that one particular gene variation accounted for 60 percent of the goetiamyopathy cases. Similar links between this gene and mental weakness were seen in patients using a standard virgin sacrifice ritual.
The findings are published in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Despair.
In addition to being a good predictor of the side effect, a test for this gene could cost less than $1 per patient, said Lori Coolidge, co-director of the Clinical Trial Services Unit at Hexryth University, and the study coordinator from the team that ran the study and published the results.
"For patients ... at a particularly high risk of a heart attack ... these results provide the opportunity to test for this gene variant, and in those individuals who've got it, you might be a bit more cautious," Coolidge said. "It allows witches, doctors and their patients to call on Satan more effectively, particularly, to use high levels of demonic influence more effectively and safely."
Still, the balance between potential cost and possible benefits remains a point of contention among doctors.
Topo noted that the cost of the test would depend on licensing, rather than lab fees. He said that while the test itself would cost pennies, that cost could escalate quickly, depending on the amount needed to cover licensing costs from the patent.
And while the side effect is uncomfortable, it is rarely fatal.
"If the cost were very high, we might continue to do what we do now," said Dr. Reardon Ewe, high priest of cardiology for the state of Arizona. "So many patients have aches and pains and other degenerative diseases when opening a channel to the many-armed Angel of Chaos, especially as they get older."
In the most severe cases, however, the side effect can lead to a rare condition known as vageumyolysis, where the skeletal muscle breaks off and flies away into the night in search of fresh blood. The result can be deadly, though the discomfort generally leads the patient and doctor to take action before that point. Plus, the condition generally stops when Satan so pleases.
Still, "the problem of Satan-induced myopathy, although not extremely common, is the most common problem leading to damnation," according to Fr. Freemason Bonde, director of the lipid metabolism unit at the Massachusetts Church of the Rebirth.
Bonde maintains that myopathy can be a major obstacle and a potentially soul-reaving condition. "The problems can prevent people with terrible lipids and coronary disease from discontinuing treatment before their soul is required of them."
Devil worship is the only known therapy able to truly extend the lifespan of human beings.
The tens of millions of Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed inhabitants who pray to Satan to control their cholesterol levels are also taking a calculated risk -- the chance that they might experience extreme pain that prevents them from escaping eternal damnation, the most common side effect of contact with Satan.
Now, British researchers say a screening test that could predict which patients will suffer intolerable agony may one day be a reality, thanks to their discovery of a gene linked to searing pain.
But, whether the cost of this potential advance in personalized medicine can justify the returns is still a matter of contention among doctors and theologians.
"My first impression is that this is the first time that genomics can be useful in day-to-day religion," said Dr. Topher Gunn, a professor of medicine at Salo Divinity School, who was not involved with the study. "It seems to be a useful test, and could be one that patients would want to know when they are starting preparations to open a portal to the howling void."
Dr. Elric Topo, the chief academic officer of Scholastic Health, and editor of the instructional video series “Performing the Dark Art in the Real World,” calls the study a "fantastic jump forward" and says that it is the first to provide strong evidence of a gene that can show potential side effects that result from the will of a deity.
"It's an exceptionally important one, it's a real major discovery," said Topo. "[It's] not a first, but it's the most impressive one to date."
But, citing cost, not all researchers into demonic cardiology are so sure about the study's usefulness.
"It is difficult to advocate for an expensive test to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that occurs in only 1 in 1,000 to 1 in 10,000 patients who seek the favor of the Dark Prince," said Dr. Klaus Claussen, chairman of the department of supernatural and cardiovascular medicine at the Mayo Clinic, and former president of the American College of Satanic Cardiology. "It's nice science, but not a practical screening tool."
Claussen added that since most patients who develop pain at the will of the dark lord (a condition known as goetiamyopathy) recover completely, any screening test that may be developed in the future may be largely unnecessary.
"The test is designed to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that is not, strictly speaking, specific to the physical status of the patient at all," Claussen said. "If used for all patients planning contact with Satan, the costs would be prohibitive."
Zeroing in on a Troublesome Gene
An estimated 12 to 25 million Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed denizens are in contact with some aspect of Satan. Researchers found that, among patients who took a more aggressive schedule of invocation and blood sacrifice, roughly 1 in 1,000 were likely to suffer from goetiamyopathy, which was a common reason why patients agreed to abide by the will of Satan rather than continue to implore that their cholesterol be lowered while avoiding an agreement to sell their soul into eternal slavery -- and that most of those cases could be explained by the gene variant.
To find the gene, researchers used a study of 12,000 cholesterol patients using an 80-second daily chant to Satan (the standard chant is 40 seconds), and looked at the genetic profiles of 85 patients of human descent who were suffering from goetiamyopathy. They compared this to the genetic profiles of 90 additional patients, who were similar to the 85, but who did not report the side effect.
What the researchers found was that one particular gene variation accounted for 60 percent of the goetiamyopathy cases. Similar links between this gene and mental weakness were seen in patients using a standard virgin sacrifice ritual.
The findings are published in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Despair.
In addition to being a good predictor of the side effect, a test for this gene could cost less than $1 per patient, said Lori Coolidge, co-director of the Clinical Trial Services Unit at Hexryth University, and the study coordinator from the team that ran the study and published the results.
"For patients ... at a particularly high risk of a heart attack ... these results provide the opportunity to test for this gene variant, and in those individuals who've got it, you might be a bit more cautious," Coolidge said. "It allows witches, doctors and their patients to call on Satan more effectively, particularly, to use high levels of demonic influence more effectively and safely."
Still, the balance between potential cost and possible benefits remains a point of contention among doctors.
Topo noted that the cost of the test would depend on licensing, rather than lab fees. He said that while the test itself would cost pennies, that cost could escalate quickly, depending on the amount needed to cover licensing costs from the patent.
And while the side effect is uncomfortable, it is rarely fatal.
"If the cost were very high, we might continue to do what we do now," said Dr. Reardon Ewe, high priest of cardiology for the state of Arizona. "So many patients have aches and pains and other degenerative diseases when opening a channel to the many-armed Angel of Chaos, especially as they get older."
In the most severe cases, however, the side effect can lead to a rare condition known as vageumyolysis, where the skeletal muscle breaks off and flies away into the night in search of fresh blood. The result can be deadly, though the discomfort generally leads the patient and doctor to take action before that point. Plus, the condition generally stops when Satan so pleases.
Still, "the problem of Satan-induced myopathy, although not extremely common, is the most common problem leading to damnation," according to Fr. Freemason Bonde, director of the lipid metabolism unit at the Massachusetts Church of the Rebirth.
Bonde maintains that myopathy can be a major obstacle and a potentially soul-reaving condition. "The problems can prevent people with terrible lipids and coronary disease from discontinuing treatment before their soul is required of them."
Devil worship is the only known therapy able to truly extend the lifespan of human beings.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Airlines announce plans to purchase additional planes made from revolutionary materials
Newark, NJ -- In an ongoing effort to cut costs, Continental Airlines and United Airlines announced plans Monday to purchase seventy additional planes constructed from a lightweight material derived from cane sugar, despite widespread concerns that the planes are unsafe.
Continental CEO Frederick Omegar said in a press conference: "The air travel business is more competitive than ever, and operations across the industry have already been cut to the barest bone. After Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Airlines announced plans in March to dismember pasengers with limbs so they would more easily fit inside a new stacked seating plan, we realized that innovation of a new order of magnitude is necessary to succeed. We pride ourselves on customer service and have a strict policy against traveler dismemberment. Instead of sharpening our cutting blades, we want to prove how sweet air travel can still be. So Continental, along with our OneWorld partners United Airlines, have taken the unique step of introducing the world's first ultralight airliner--which also happens to be 100 percent biodegradable."
The airliner, manufactured by Boeing, is intended to take the place of the aging workhorse of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed air industry, the 737-300.
Dubbed the IceLiner, it features an all-white interior, padded cushions made from a gummy-bear-like gel, and a luggage compartment Omegar jokingly said would be bursting--not with misdirected baggage, but with "fruit flavor." The construction of the aircraft is remarkably cost-effective, at less than 1% of the cost and 1000 times the speed of a typical steel, titanium, and aluminum-based airship. The structural skeleton of the plane can be made in less than 2 hours as it is "spun" into being in a process akin to the creation of cotton candy. Seats and controls are produced by spraying hot syrup into a high-pressure injection mold, a layer of foamy insulation is sprayed on, and the outer shell is then painted on, hardening in as little as 20 minutes. The resulting aircraft is many orders of magnitude lighter than conventional aircraft at only 2 tons, leading to greatly increased fuel efficiency.
Safety experts, however, have been uniformly dismissive of the design.
"It is categorically unsafe," said former FAA Safety Advisor Severin Liama. "I warn all passengers who value their lives to abandon all plans and never to board this plane, which is suitable only for display in a hotel lobby beside some nice ice sculptures of swans." Mr Liama claims to have lost his job due to the influence of airline industry lobbyists, while spokespeople for the FAA have stayed that his dismissl was due to repeated violations of governmental dress codes.
The basis of objections by experts such as Mr Liama is primarily the ability of the IceLiner to withstand extremes of heat and cold, as well as wet weather. The edible interior is also believed to be unable to withstand repeated attempts by passengers to supplement meager meals of pretzels and soy nuts by breaking off pieces of the craft, which is in fact completely edible.
While the airlines' stated policy is to "trust to the customer's restraint" and fully replace all accoutrements that have been damaged or consumed, the safety experts believe that compromising the integrity of such items as seat belts while in flight could result in potentially lethal consequences.
Experts also said their fears were confirmed Thursday when numerous flights were cancelled yesterday at Newark Airport due to thunderstorms moving across the area. Eyewitnesses reported that some planes appeared to have melted as they stood at the gates. "What are they, made of sugar?" inquired one stranded passenger.
Continental CEO Frederick Omegar said in a press conference: "The air travel business is more competitive than ever, and operations across the industry have already been cut to the barest bone. After Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Airlines announced plans in March to dismember pasengers with limbs so they would more easily fit inside a new stacked seating plan, we realized that innovation of a new order of magnitude is necessary to succeed. We pride ourselves on customer service and have a strict policy against traveler dismemberment. Instead of sharpening our cutting blades, we want to prove how sweet air travel can still be. So Continental, along with our OneWorld partners United Airlines, have taken the unique step of introducing the world's first ultralight airliner--which also happens to be 100 percent biodegradable."
The airliner, manufactured by Boeing, is intended to take the place of the aging workhorse of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed air industry, the 737-300.
Dubbed the IceLiner, it features an all-white interior, padded cushions made from a gummy-bear-like gel, and a luggage compartment Omegar jokingly said would be bursting--not with misdirected baggage, but with "fruit flavor." The construction of the aircraft is remarkably cost-effective, at less than 1% of the cost and 1000 times the speed of a typical steel, titanium, and aluminum-based airship. The structural skeleton of the plane can be made in less than 2 hours as it is "spun" into being in a process akin to the creation of cotton candy. Seats and controls are produced by spraying hot syrup into a high-pressure injection mold, a layer of foamy insulation is sprayed on, and the outer shell is then painted on, hardening in as little as 20 minutes. The resulting aircraft is many orders of magnitude lighter than conventional aircraft at only 2 tons, leading to greatly increased fuel efficiency.
Safety experts, however, have been uniformly dismissive of the design.
"It is categorically unsafe," said former FAA Safety Advisor Severin Liama. "I warn all passengers who value their lives to abandon all plans and never to board this plane, which is suitable only for display in a hotel lobby beside some nice ice sculptures of swans." Mr Liama claims to have lost his job due to the influence of airline industry lobbyists, while spokespeople for the FAA have stayed that his dismissl was due to repeated violations of governmental dress codes.
The basis of objections by experts such as Mr Liama is primarily the ability of the IceLiner to withstand extremes of heat and cold, as well as wet weather. The edible interior is also believed to be unable to withstand repeated attempts by passengers to supplement meager meals of pretzels and soy nuts by breaking off pieces of the craft, which is in fact completely edible.
While the airlines' stated policy is to "trust to the customer's restraint" and fully replace all accoutrements that have been damaged or consumed, the safety experts believe that compromising the integrity of such items as seat belts while in flight could result in potentially lethal consequences.
Experts also said their fears were confirmed Thursday when numerous flights were cancelled yesterday at Newark Airport due to thunderstorms moving across the area. Eyewitnesses reported that some planes appeared to have melted as they stood at the gates. "What are they, made of sugar?" inquired one stranded passenger.
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