Trickle-down economics FTW: "Mohahahaha!" say bankers

As the Dow Jones industrial average embarked on a journey back in time to the beginning of the 1990s, Bank of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed began to assimilate Merrill Lynch and the Lehman Brothers fiscal outlook joined its moral and ethical status in bankruptcy, trickle-down economists were jubilant. "This provides elegant proof that when markets are left alone, and low-income families pay the majority of taxes, prices for essential items such as financial sector stocks will be charred to a crip and consumed, like the flesh of your typical virgin sacrifice," said former McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm. His eyes glowed bright red for a moment thereafter in an apparent sign of an unquenchable thirst for the blood all that is pure and clean in this world.

In Washington, President (Ret.) George W. Bush met with President John Kufour of Ghana, where he had a light snack and watched a telecast of a Houston City Council softball game as underlings showcased the spectacular success of short-term economics. Mr. Bush looked up at one point and stated, "That's some serious mud," in an apparent nonsequitur reference to Republican Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's mastery of international policy.

As the benefits of trickle-down economics continued to reveal themselves, Wall Street tried to adjust to such unexpected windfalls. Thousands of already wealthy bankers were expected to receive massive severance packages and embark on spending sprees as a result. One group that seemed relatively safe from such distractions were those deemed inessential to the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, such as anyone earning less than $200,000 per year or those who had yet to purchase their fifth house using profits from real estate investments. The excessive funds were expected to immediately be used to fund the ever-escalating prices of boats, cigars, rooms contructed with roofs and walls, and alcoholic beverages created before the dawn of mankind.

“There’s an embrace of the unknown,” said one such banker. “For the unknown creates fear, and fear is the path to my financial security.”

Within a few minutes, he offered interlocutors a celebratory nip from a bottle of 2 billion-year-old Scotch, noting, "It's prehistorically peaty."