McCain: Cadillacs to receive upgraded plan

In a wide-ranging but bloodless debate where neither participant humiliated his opponent by ripping out his enemy's beating heart bare-handed, crushing it, then tea-bagging the whimpering victim's soon-to-be-mortal remains while whistling the theme from "The A-Team," presidential candidate John McCain squared off against Acting President Barack Obama Tuesday evening, bringing his best stories about what he learned in life and the essential knowledge and values that young people ought to know and that we as a people must never forget to the fray.

After offering to buy houses at a discounted rate from all inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, McCain sought advantage with automobile-rights voters by announcing that his new health plan would extend to Cadillacs, a core constituency vehicle long sought by both political parties.

The Cadillac healthcare plan would go further than existing "maintenance" and "repair" plans towards "real improvements" in vehicular functionality. Services provided would be offered on a competitive basis, relieving taxpayers of the burden of paying for what he characterized as "a big-government bailout" of sick and elderly cars, who were "paying the price for decades of decadent driving," as well as benefiting his home state of Arizona. Data from the Independent Automotive Care Research Foundations indicate that a Cadillac dealership located in Scottsdale, AZ would likely reap the greatest benefits from the plan, since prices there have remained the lowest within a 1500 mile radius, undercutting even Mexican discount automotive chain "Repair-O," based in Tijuana.

Acting President Obama, meanwhile, declined to address the issue of keeping faith with Cadillac owners, saying only that such a program would be considered, but that other priorities might supersede it, such as battling to reinstate human rulership of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed.