"State of the Union" Speech Author Apologizes to Oprah

William McGurn, author of the State of the Union speech to be delivered by US President (Ret.) George W. Bush, issued a statement today in a letter.

The statement read, in part:

I am a liar. I have struggled mightily with the depiction of the issues and policy directions provided in my speech, and finally must come clean. Things like saying that Americans are free, when in fact they have never been more constrained, surveilled and spied upon, with fewer protections under the law than ever before. Things like saying a policy initiative will help the sick and infirm, when in fact it will help them only to die horribly. Saying that the displaced poor of the Gulf Coast will have the ability to return to their homes when in fact their homes have already been razed to the ground and sold to land developers. Defending CEO criminals whom I know to be guilty. Allowing a cabal of oil company executives to dictate energy and foreign policy. Calling for increased support of a war I know to be vicious and illegal, which was entered into for the motive of pure profit. Calling for support of Clean (Dirty) Air and Wilderness Preservation (Dissipation) legislation. And most of all, pretending that any of my speech was originated by the only person in the US who's a bigger liar than I am: George W. Bush. I am sorry.

The statement was mailed to a number of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal (McGurn's former employer), The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Harpo Productions, the company owned by Oprah Winfrey.

Links: Why Are Opposition Parties Always Such Crybabies Whenever They're Spied Upon?

Spittle and Ink has a nice recap of the Watergate scandal translated into today's media parlance. For those who don't want to go "old-school" and worry about stuff like truth, meaning, and complete sentences -- and least of all, print.

Eeegh! Print?! Eewwww.

Steps Away from His Own Triumph, Bush Urges World to Move Forward From Democracy

In the wake of significant political wins for anti-Israel Palestinian group Hamas in fair democratic elections, and growing voter sentiment against his regime's incompetence and misuse of power in the United States, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush declared today at a surprise press conference that democracy as a political system "needs to be rethought."

He declared that the political will of the Palestinian people was "obviously not going to be a good enough reason to leave these terrorists in power." He added that he wanted Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the ruling Fatah party, itself once closely linked to terrorism, to "remain in power. I mean, we'd like him to stay in office. He is in power. We'd like him to stay in office."

Through this distinction, sources say, Bush was hinting at the rationale that would be used in his administration's soon-to-be-announced program to justify the imposition of absolute rule in the United States. Long architected, the plan will expand rulership to non-elected officials, eliminating the ability of citizens in a democracy to vote ineffective, incompetent, corrupt, dishonest, pandering, sexually indiscreet, ugly, fat, crippled, or otherwise dislikable officials from power, gradually reducing the importance of elected office. Analysts have noted that this would be, perhaps literally, the "crowning achievement" of the Bush Administration and would fulfill the Bush team's stated goal of changing the world's political landscape forever.

Further steps that may be taken are suspension of the US Constitution's rights protections and institution of an office of domestic counter-terrorism that would quell all incipient dissent.

Bin Laden Tried to Obtain Frequent Calling Plan

According to US National Security Administration sources, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has made so many calls to the United States that he tried, unsuccessfully, to obtain a discount on calls from AT&T International.

The document was not read by a human being for several months after receipt. Instead, the application, clumsily filled out by hand in pencil, was rejected automatically by a data entry/application review computer system. The stated reason for rejection was the applicant's credit report, which indicated he was "dangerously overburdened" and "probably unable to make regular payments," despite enclosure of a personal video stating that Bin Laden needed the plan to be able to call friends and family in the US and other countries, and despite $100,000 in cash with the document in an envelope marked "for receiver," both of which were not considered by the computer.

The application sat in a rejections file for several months before a human supervisor reviewed the list before they were to be discarded. The supervisor promptly forwarded it to the NSA, and was commended for his "quick and patriotic response."

The NSA pointed out that its controversial domestic spying program was intended to "short-circuit" such attempts by terrorists to gain discounts and other advantages over the US and its allies.

Qaeda Operations Chief Throws Retirement Bash

According to Pakistani officials, Abu Khabab al-Masri, real name Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, 52, invited a number of friends to a gathering in northwest Pakistan Thursday and announced he was retiring from his position in Al Qaeda, the terrorist group led by Osama Bin Laden. Sources say a party then began with a traditional bombing by United States forces.

Many of the party received party favors in the form of artistically shaped pieces of shrapnel, which were inserted quickly into vital organs.

Al-Masri, before departing the scene, said he planned to enjoy his retirement in various places nearby, and said he would look fondly upon his time in the organization.

Twin Beds Avoided, For Now

US Vice (Acting) President Dick Cheney was treated at a Washington DC area hospital today for what aides characterized as a "breathing problem." It is not known whether Mr. Cheney's heart stopped at any time. He was treated by doctors and released a few hours later.

Mr. Cheney awoke at 3AM Monday morning and was immediately rushed to George Washington University Hospital after complaining of chest pains and shortness of breath, classic symptoms of a heart attack.

Admission to the hospital was held up briefly when White House Press Secrectary Scott McClellan, who rode with Cheney in the ambulance, was unable to provide information to questions posed by emergency room doctors about Cheney's medical history, and refused to characterize the event as a "heart attack."

In another hospital room, hopes for continued progress toward peace in the Middle East stirred when Israeli leader Ariel Sharon, recovering from brain death, was brought out of a medically induced coma and wobbled a finger on his left hand.

It was quickly pointed out that the left hand is traditionally the hand labeled "hate," while the right hand is the one labeled "love." Some experts, however, have argued that since Hebrew is written right to left, the left hand may be the hand of "love." Others have noted that since the Hebrew verb for "hate" is שׂנא ("sané"), and love is אחב ("ahev"), Sharon would need to have three fingers on both hands to be making a policy statement in Israel's official language.

No world leader has yet advanced the suggestion that policy be formulated by the non-comatose, non-brain-damaged Israeli Vice President, Ehud Olmert, though a resolution to do so is currently under debate in the Israeli Parliament.