Ass-key in ASCII

Apparently Dick Cheney was drunk that weekend too!!

d/X-b +--##### (whittington)

Cheney's Victim to Sell Face, Neck as "Conservative Art"

Harry Whittington, the lawyer who was shot by US Vice President Richard M. Cheney, announced today that he would be auctioning his face and neck as an outstanding example of "conservative art."

Harking back to previous examples such as William S. Burroughs' shotgun paintings, Whittington said, the patterns created by firearms upon human skin and other media can be "resplendently beautiful as well as stunningly tragic" works of art. He continued, "They can speak volumes about the fragility of the human condition, the correspondence between mind and nature, and can even expose the soul of the artist in a way unique to this form of art."

He said the affected skin would be removed from his body this week and replaced with grafts from other areas of his body, to ensure the beauty of the wounds would not be erased by the healing process. Money from the sale will be donated to conservative causes.

Shotgun Poetry Hits Web in Face and Neck

In other news, poetry arising from the Cheney shooting incident has spread across the web. For example, Firedrake.com's "Dickfest" includes a number of such poetic essays, including the following gems:

Ask not
what your country
can do for you...
BLAM!!!


Shall I compare thee to a flushing quail?
Thou art more orange and sport not a feather on thy head
Yet my drunken wits are rarely known to fail
So stand ye still, and I shall try to shoot thee dead.

and...

Dick Cheney Determined to Attack in the U.S.

Police May Lock Up "Troubled" Vice President

According to reports from Corpus Christi, Texas, where US Vice President Richard M. Cheney "accidentally" shot a lawyer while hunting illegally without a license, local police and the Texas Rangers will be examining the incident closely.

Law enforcement officials said there were numerous "red flags" to the case, meriting a thorough investigation. According to friends, Cheney is a "master hunter," and would presumably be aware of the differences between a man's face and a winged animal such as a bird or pig. Also, Cheney has been associated with numerous other felonious incidents where people under his orders had invaded homes and killed and injured numerous innocent civilians, for no crime other than living in Iraq. He had associated with and/or directed others to fix energy prices, and was a known associate of notorious criminals Ken Lay, Tom DeLay, "Scooter" Libby, Jack Abramoff, and drug offender/armed forces deserter George W. Bush, the current US President (Ret.). He had publicly advocated the torture of helpless prisoners. And "any Vice President is naturally a troubled, morality-free individual capable of many heinous acts."

Gun control advocates applauded the decision.

Another Caricature for You Intolerant Muslim Assholes

After causing his followers to trample the values of countries who wish peaceful coexistence, to gather in large groups to chant "death to" anyone exept the real oppressors -- their own governments, to assert that the murder of six million Jews did not take place, to rape women and then ostracize them and murder their families when they complain, to commit genocide against their own people, and to turn the world into a boiling ball of hatred that will only cool off once war destroys the hatemongers ... he kicked off early today. Now ...

Prophet Mohammed is drunk:

{{*X->##### (hic)

Suck on that, bitches.

Conservatives Face Long-Expected Global Armageddon

(Now this, they might find funny.)

An article (in English) from the German magazine sign and sight describes the stirring outrage among liberals after seeing some of their most holy aesthetics, ideals, and imagery trampled upon by fundamentalist assholes all over the world.

Taking up the call, reports are coming in that atheists, feminists, and nonheterosexuals have gathered, chanting, "Death to the fidelious," preparing plans to kidnap women from lives of slavery and forcing them to speak their minds and have opinions, and to force others to not know what others are doing with their bodies in full view of no-one.

More as this story develops.

Yes Virginia, There is A Panty Clause

According to an article in today's Washington Post, the CIA is also engaged in intrusive domestic surveillance. While the NSA engages in warrantless wiretapping and interception of electronic communications, the CIA has embarked on a secret program of surveillance of women's undergarments. As the article details, however, a victim has blown the program wide open and it may never be the same again.

According to the Post, CIA employee George C. Dalmas III was arrested January 31st on suspicion of breaking and entering a number of houses in Virginia. A search of his home revealed "a stunning trove of cash, jewelry, antiques, license plates -- and bags filled with more than 1,000 women's undergarments." However, once his CIA connection was discovered, charges were dropped and Dalmas was released on a "national security exemption" under clause 834.15.a of the Virginia penal code dealing with unlawful entry, which reporters covering the case now refer to as "the panty clause."

Leaks from inside the CIA indicated that Dalmas was managing a program to ensure that US citizens were protected from Al Qaeda threats against "their most private possessions," and that he believed he had the authority to ensure that Al Qaeda would have no contact with US undergarments.

News of this program follows recent revelations that White House cat "Socks" was bugged during the Clinton Administration and the US government's secret experiments on corporealization of language.

CIA representatives quickly took full responsibility for the program, stating that they had been granted the authority by Congress to ensure that no American citizen would have to fear finding Al Qaeda or other anti-US operatives using US undergarments for any but the most patriotic of purposes. It is unknown whether the program had been approved through the FISA court system.