Attacks on Critics Are Misdirection to Hide True Crisis: Cheney Can't Close His Mouth

Top US government officials admitted today that they are facing a real crisis. It is not a problem of lack of popular support or political direction but lies instead in a medical mystery: US Vice President Richard M. Cheney has been unable to close his mouth for three weeks, and doctors are stymied as to the cause.

Cheney's condition is thought to be a side effect of involuntary muscular contractions which over his lifetime have made his head constantly skew more to the right while his mouth grimaced to the left, a tendency Cheney's doctors had believed to be benign, and which sometimes worked to his advantage. Many political opponents say they found the contortions "scary" in close encounters, making Cheney a formidable debator. Sources now say that over the course of 2005, Cheney had experienced more and more difficulty closing his mouth, until finally on October 16th he found that he was entirely unable to bring his jaws together closer than an inch and a half.

The condition does not prevent Cheney from closing his lips or speaking, but aides and associates, including US President (Ret.) George W. Bush, are said to be "intensely concerned" for his health. He must now drink gallons of water through straws to prevent dehydration and there are numerous other complications. One aide recounted that he had suggested a mesh screen be put in place some weeks ago to counter the risk of small flying insects accidentally making their way into Cheney's mouth, which had happened several times during the fall, but the idea was shot down by Cheney's assistant, "Scooter" Libby. A medical team from Bethesda Naval Hospital is said to be working around the clock on finding a viable cure.

Due to the potential questions about Cheney's fitness for office with such a debilitating condition, aides had been told to keep it quiet at all costs, hence the increasing volume of attacks on critics. "Still," said one source, "the evidence is staring us all in the face."

Cheney's office did not return calls for comment.

(Photo: Reuters)