Dachsunds Riot Against Injustice

Protesting thousands of dog-years of degredation and secondary status, millions of dachsunds have taken to the streets of Germany, frightening citizens, birds, and burrowing animals alike. Swarms of the dogs, famed for their courage and tenacity even in the face of much larger opponents, have blanketed the streets of Berlin and other German cities, snapping at the ankles of human pedestrians, refusing to come when called, gnawing through doors, toppling lampposts and fire hydrants, and raising echoing howls against injustices and the moon.

Dachsund supporters have long noted increases in the number of "degrading" situations the dogs have been forced to endure. Whether they are being forced to climb stairs, participate in weiner-takes-all drag racing, being overbred to create white or double-dapple coats, or simply being teased with fake chew toys, the hounds have declared they have had enough and wish to return to their traditional lives without excessive human rules and interference, where they will be free to chase badgers, rabbits, and other animals their own size and larger.

Human-dachsund relations reached a similar nadir in 1917, when human H. L. Mencken remarked that dachsunds were "a half-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long," which breed supporters called "reductive" and "contemptible." Many American dogs of dachsund descent renamed themselves "Liberty dogs" while battle lines were drawn. Millions of dachsunds and humans died during the brutal war that ensued, featuring massive casualties on both sides over years of prolonged trench warfare.