Lay & Skilling: Guilty, Guilty, Guilty

Former Enron corporate heads, Ken Lay and Jeffery Skilling, have been convicted of criminal charges of fraud and conspiracy. Many reports indicate that the conviction was assured after a magisterial final statement by Federal Prosecutor Sean Berkowitz, reading in part: "These men lied. The charges they face of fraud and criminal conspiracy are not fantasy, no careless products of a wild imagination. We are not dealing here with idle supposition, but matters of undeniable fact."

Defense lawyers vowed to fight on. "The prosecuting attorney's summary statements were rash, impulsive, wild, and unsupported," said Daniel Petrocelli, Skilling's attorney. Lay's lawyer, Michael Ramsay, vowed that one day, Berkowitz would have to "bow before me in shame."

In a separate case, Berkowitz was instructed by a judge that he and his wife should not attempt to leave the Houston area, although no mention was made of Berkowitz's son, Cal.

Rumsfeld Issues "Order 66"

With the Bush presidency (Ret.) toppling after weeks of record low ratings by the US public this week, the Bush Administration has transitioned into "emergency mode."

A call for mercenaries "ready to defend freedom with a strong offense" was posted on numerous radical right-wing websites.

A $50,000 reward was posted on the White House web site in return for the capture of a number of political leaders for the left, including Al Gore, Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, and several prominent bloggers.

An order for 600 high-end paper shredders was requisitioned by the Postmaster General, with delivery to be made to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, attention K. Rove. (The Post Office released a statement Tuesday that the noted delivery address was a "clerical error" and that delivery would actually be made to the USPS administrative offices.)

The heads of 15 major telecommunications companies were served with subpoenas written on 5.56 x 45 mm ammunition by the US Department of Justice requesting that records of all domestic activity since January 1876 be turned over on grounds of "suspicious activity."

Finally, Donald Rumsfeld, back in action with the help of a a terrifying breathing mask designed to strike terror into the hearts of his enemies, was said to have issued a special order activating a command embedded in the audio file of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' Dinner, causing the iPod to variously explode, spring forth razor-sharp spikes, or broadcast at high volume President (Ret.) Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech from May 2003.

A national state of emergency and curfew has been declared. Movement outside citizens' places of residence is only permitted between the hours of 5 AM and 9 PM, unless citizens are able to show proof of income above $200,000 per year.

US May Pay Farmers Not to Grow Nukes

In response to growing concerns about the world economy, the US State Department is considering taking a page from the playbook used by the US Department of Agriculture: paying agricultural societies not to grow a crop of nuclear weapons.

Nuclear Agronomists were downcast about the prospects for the world's current nuclear crop. "With a generation of nuclear scientists lying fallow, this policy will only contribute to the demise of organic weaponry and local flavors of bellicosity," said Dr. Abunahar Nalaganjawid of the London-based Center for Integrated Warfare Studies. Dr. Nalaganjawid continued: "More and more nations will seek employment in peaceful fields of enterprise and outsource their weapon sets, abandoning the search for unique methods of putting others to death to the soulless, mechanical mega-military-industrial-complexes, and robbing humanity of the freshness and directness of home-grown methods of mass destruction."

"Additionally," said Dr. Nalaganjawid, "the current nuclear crop will sit rotting in silos until kingdom-come. It is a gross misuse of any weapon not to let it shine in use."

A US State Department spokesman declined to comment on what he termed "rumors, or rumors of world war."

Chaos Engulfs Kalma; Unarmed Unpolice Unprotect Helpless, Murderous Refugees

In a refugee camp in Kalma, Darfur, an African Union aid official who was accused of not rendering aid was hacked to death today by helpless, axe-wielding refugees in urgent need of aid and protection, after the unarmed police stationed to protect his post proved unable to arm themselves and protect his post.

Elsewhere in the camp, a visiting UN official was reportedly greeted by angry protesters wielding welcome signs inviting the United Nations to intervene. Other refugee leaders reportedly issued a statement that African Union "are our friends" and would be shot on sight.

Some commentators observed that such a contradictory, bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you response was the obverse of the US response after Hurricane Katrina, as offered by US President (Ret.) George W. Bush in stirring speeches telling Americans that ignoring, hindering, and insulting anyone participating in the recovery effort was crucial to the recovery effort.

Un-Presidented Developments Shake White House

In an unprecedented move, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush announced Wednesday that he would not run for President (Ret.)in 2008, citing a desire "to spend more time with his family" and to help shore up sagging Republican party support at the polls.

In a statement, Mr. Bush briefly conceded that his goal of winning the White House for a third term, and becoming the first third termer since World War II, was ambitious, and that perhaps the country was not ready for a President-for-Life. He cited successful examples of Presidents-for-Life like Cuba's Fidel Castro and Iraq's Saddam Hussein, who despite antagonisms with the US, did successfully remain in power for nearly 30 years. In the US, Bush had a chance to become the first President-for-Life since Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who won 4 back-to-back terms before dying in office.

Bush concluded with the remark, "But I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids," while glaring at NBC reporter David Gregory.

Aides throughout the White House and Republican party privately admitted this was a "gargantuan defeat" for the President. The sounds of stifled weeping were heard intermittently throughout the day in the West Wing and Executive Office Building, and a painting of former President Abraham Lincoln was seen to have burst into tears.

The Lincoln portrait had previously smiled on the occasion of Bush's "mission accomplished" aircraft carrier landing atop the USS Abraham Lincoln, the event where Bush declared the cessation of hostilities in Iraq on May 1, 2003.