Un-Presidented Developments Shake White House

In an unprecedented move, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush announced Wednesday that he would not run for President (Ret.)in 2008, citing a desire "to spend more time with his family" and to help shore up sagging Republican party support at the polls.

In a statement, Mr. Bush briefly conceded that his goal of winning the White House for a third term, and becoming the first third termer since World War II, was ambitious, and that perhaps the country was not ready for a President-for-Life. He cited successful examples of Presidents-for-Life like Cuba's Fidel Castro and Iraq's Saddam Hussein, who despite antagonisms with the US, did successfully remain in power for nearly 30 years. In the US, Bush had a chance to become the first President-for-Life since Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who won 4 back-to-back terms before dying in office.

Bush concluded with the remark, "But I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids," while glaring at NBC reporter David Gregory.

Aides throughout the White House and Republican party privately admitted this was a "gargantuan defeat" for the President. The sounds of stifled weeping were heard intermittently throughout the day in the West Wing and Executive Office Building, and a painting of former President Abraham Lincoln was seen to have burst into tears.

The Lincoln portrait had previously smiled on the occasion of Bush's "mission accomplished" aircraft carrier landing atop the USS Abraham Lincoln, the event where Bush declared the cessation of hostilities in Iraq on May 1, 2003.