Rumsfeld Issues "Order 66"

With the Bush presidency (Ret.) toppling after weeks of record low ratings by the US public this week, the Bush Administration has transitioned into "emergency mode."

A call for mercenaries "ready to defend freedom with a strong offense" was posted on numerous radical right-wing websites.

A $50,000 reward was posted on the White House web site in return for the capture of a number of political leaders for the left, including Al Gore, Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, and several prominent bloggers.

An order for 600 high-end paper shredders was requisitioned by the Postmaster General, with delivery to be made to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, attention K. Rove. (The Post Office released a statement Tuesday that the noted delivery address was a "clerical error" and that delivery would actually be made to the USPS administrative offices.)

The heads of 15 major telecommunications companies were served with subpoenas written on 5.56 x 45 mm ammunition by the US Department of Justice requesting that records of all domestic activity since January 1876 be turned over on grounds of "suspicious activity."

Finally, Donald Rumsfeld, back in action with the help of a a terrifying breathing mask designed to strike terror into the hearts of his enemies, was said to have issued a special order activating a command embedded in the audio file of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' Dinner, causing the iPod to variously explode, spring forth razor-sharp spikes, or broadcast at high volume President (Ret.) Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech from May 2003.

A national state of emergency and curfew has been declared. Movement outside citizens' places of residence is only permitted between the hours of 5 AM and 9 PM, unless citizens are able to show proof of income above $200,000 per year.