With the unexpected deaths of five human programmers and layoffs of repair workers over the weekend, telecommunications giant Verizon is now entirely staffed by computers, spybots said Monday.
From its slightly hard-of-hearing and moderately confused customer service line's automated voice, to its network of websites, to its NSA-approved call forwarding program, the company is said to now employ no full-time human beings. Outsourced repair service personnel will continue to work for the company for the time being, according to spybot-retrieved documents, but will be replaced as soon as replacements are generated by Von Neumann processes. Customer service lines will also soon discontinue the "speak to an operator" option, but for now will simply disconnect all calls requesting interaction with a live person.
Verizon PR bots, reached for comment, said: "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you said. To continue, say 'Yes,' or 'No.'"
Monday, July 31, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Hezbollah takes refuge in child's head
A young Lebanese child is the new headquarters of Hezbollah, according to the latest reports from the Lebanese city of Tyre. After Israeli bombings destroyed his home, the child offered himself as an emergency shelter for the anti-Israel militant group's teachings, sentiments, materiel and personnel.Along with a supply of religious fervour shored up by the traumatic experience of losing his home at the hands of an invisible enemy, the child's head now contains a wide supply of firsthand knowledge of explosive concussions, crisis management techniques, and sympathy towards acts that reduce or eliminate Israeli presence in the Middle East, as well as an intense desire to exact revenge on Jewish and Western interests and people.
Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz declined to comment specifically on the operation that resulted in Hezbollah's newfound operations post, but offered a general statement that "Every civilian death is a sorrow and a mistake," suggesting that the child was perhaps no longer a sidelined civilian.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Breaking News: US Used Mind Control on G-8 Leaders
Photographic evidence has emerged that US President (Ret.) George W. Bush used direct and indirect methods of mind control on G-8 leaders at the recent summit in Russia.The photograph shows Bush using a method of inducing unconsciousness, which Bush learned from CIA training films, on German Chancellor Angela Merkel just prior to a crucial vote. Other photos show Bush using thought reading, lip reading, and reading with lips moving techniques at the summit.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Philologists Intervene in Escalating Israel / Hezbollah / Syria / Lebanon / Iran / US / Europe / Jesus / Mohammed /The Insane / The Sane Fisticuffs
A consortium of philologists from around the world have issued a strongly analytical analysis of recent comments by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supposedly calling for Israel to be "wiped off the map." At issue is the translation of a phrase in Farsi, "bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad," which was translated as, and taken by Western leaders as a direct statement of policy that Israel "must be wiped off the map."
Thou Shalt Not Wipe
The translation, according to statements issued by several philologists, should in fact state that "the regime occupying Qod" (Jerusalem) "must be eliminated from the pages of history," which is a "softer" and more theoretical, theological phrase dealing with improvement of the human condition. According to the consortium, the statement was in context a quotation from Imam Khomeni.
Additionally, the philologists stated, "The speech was not so much a call for Israel's destruction as a diatribe against Western or United States attempts to control the region. A key phrase early the speech clearly referred to "the regime" in question as that of the West in general."
Philologistic leaders called for an accurate translation of the speech to be made public knowledge. G-8 leaders, speaking from a conference in Russia, condemned the statement as "confusing," "not involving explosives," and "exhibiting a dangerous fetish for actual understanding of language."
An Israeli intelligence-linked research institute joined the philologists in their efforts at translation, pointing out that its own translation of the speech had been available for the better part of a year.
Smells Like Team Spirit
At press time, Israel's bombing of Canadians and other terrorists, Iran's nuclear development program, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush's re-election campaign, imprisonment of "illegal combatants" at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, US attempts to curb stem-cell research, and US-war-related deaths and dismemberments in Iraq, continued unabated.
Numismatists, reached for comment, declined to express opinions on the issues raised by their fellow academics, but a few privately expressed the hope that currency changing hands would take a role in the conflict.
Thou Shalt Not Wipe
The translation, according to statements issued by several philologists, should in fact state that "the regime occupying Qod" (Jerusalem) "must be eliminated from the pages of history," which is a "softer" and more theoretical, theological phrase dealing with improvement of the human condition. According to the consortium, the statement was in context a quotation from Imam Khomeni.
Additionally, the philologists stated, "The speech was not so much a call for Israel's destruction as a diatribe against Western or United States attempts to control the region. A key phrase early the speech clearly referred to "the regime" in question as that of the West in general."
Philologistic leaders called for an accurate translation of the speech to be made public knowledge. G-8 leaders, speaking from a conference in Russia, condemned the statement as "confusing," "not involving explosives," and "exhibiting a dangerous fetish for actual understanding of language."
An Israeli intelligence-linked research institute joined the philologists in their efforts at translation, pointing out that its own translation of the speech had been available for the better part of a year.
Smells Like Team Spirit
At press time, Israel's bombing of Canadians and other terrorists, Iran's nuclear development program, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush's re-election campaign, imprisonment of "illegal combatants" at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, US attempts to curb stem-cell research, and US-war-related deaths and dismemberments in Iraq, continued unabated.
Numismatists, reached for comment, declined to express opinions on the issues raised by their fellow academics, but a few privately expressed the hope that currency changing hands would take a role in the conflict.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Brain implant offers hope to Bush
Scientists have for the first time developed a brain implant that may allow US President (Ret.) George W. Bush to experience the world with the assistance of thought, it emerged yesterday.
System enables thought
The remarkable breakthrough offers hope that the entire Republican party will one day be able to independently think and experience the joys of life without weapons, violence, extreme religious views, or large sums of money, sources say. The implant, called ThoughtGate, allowed test subjects in Florida to independently read and interpret coloring books and other forms of text-based literature with a high degree of accuracy, simply by thinking.
Test subjects able to eschew false statements
The thoughts were their first since birth. "These results hold out the promise to one day be able to create policy and legislation with the aid of brain signals, effectively restoring intelligence into the command and control structure of the world," said John Dengue, director of the brain science program at Florida State University and inventor of the implant. Test subjects were even able to speak truthfully at times.
Professor Dengue's work will be published in a forthcoming issue of Highlights for Children. He describes how, after a few minutes spent calibrating the implant, Mr Bush may be able to understand emails and newspapers when read out loud to him. After several months, he could also operate simple devices such as a hand, which he could use to grasp and move objects, as well as change channels and turn up the volume on a television, even while talking to people around him.
The ThoughtGate system uses a 2mm-square electronic chip, inserted into the cerebral cortex of the brain, the area that controls thinking and higher functions. The chip has 10000 electrodes, each thinner than a single human hair, which penetrate the surface of the brain, and pick up and generate electrical activity. Signals are fed into an outboard computer via a wireless network, which interprets the meaning in real time and then sends feedback to the device, which stimulates areas of the brain known to control thinking.
"What is also encouraging is the immediate response from the Congressional subjects tested," said Professor Dengue. "When asked to 'think right' or 'think left', patients were able to change their neural activity immediately. And their reading comprehension is seemingly just as quickly improved. They can even read and carry on a conversation at the same time, just as normal people can simultaneously talk and use our brains."
"Though much work remains to be done," said Professor Dengue, "hopefully one day I'll be able to say we have a technology that will allow thought to guide America's government."
System enables thought
The remarkable breakthrough offers hope that the entire Republican party will one day be able to independently think and experience the joys of life without weapons, violence, extreme religious views, or large sums of money, sources say. The implant, called ThoughtGate, allowed test subjects in Florida to independently read and interpret coloring books and other forms of text-based literature with a high degree of accuracy, simply by thinking.
Test subjects able to eschew false statements
The thoughts were their first since birth. "These results hold out the promise to one day be able to create policy and legislation with the aid of brain signals, effectively restoring intelligence into the command and control structure of the world," said John Dengue, director of the brain science program at Florida State University and inventor of the implant. Test subjects were even able to speak truthfully at times.
Professor Dengue's work will be published in a forthcoming issue of Highlights for Children. He describes how, after a few minutes spent calibrating the implant, Mr Bush may be able to understand emails and newspapers when read out loud to him. After several months, he could also operate simple devices such as a hand, which he could use to grasp and move objects, as well as change channels and turn up the volume on a television, even while talking to people around him.
The ThoughtGate system uses a 2mm-square electronic chip, inserted into the cerebral cortex of the brain, the area that controls thinking and higher functions. The chip has 10000 electrodes, each thinner than a single human hair, which penetrate the surface of the brain, and pick up and generate electrical activity. Signals are fed into an outboard computer via a wireless network, which interprets the meaning in real time and then sends feedback to the device, which stimulates areas of the brain known to control thinking.
"What is also encouraging is the immediate response from the Congressional subjects tested," said Professor Dengue. "When asked to 'think right' or 'think left', patients were able to change their neural activity immediately. And their reading comprehension is seemingly just as quickly improved. They can even read and carry on a conversation at the same time, just as normal people can simultaneously talk and use our brains."
"Though much work remains to be done," said Professor Dengue, "hopefully one day I'll be able to say we have a technology that will allow thought to guide America's government."
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Whales Determined to Strike in US
Photo: A terrorist leader struck and killed by a 50,000 MHz sonar wave in 2003 According to recent reports, US Defense Department officials are concerned that a large pod of Melon-Headed Whales may be amassing resources and armaments in an effort to damage US interests on land and at sea.
To protect its land-based citizens, the US has been testing a high-tech superweapon capable of killing, maiming, or driving insane its aquatic enemies. The weapon, which uses high-intensity sonar transmitted on a middle-band frequency is reportedly "broadly effective" against sea-based mammals, including whales, dolphins, porpoises, and other marine species. It is also useful, sources say, as a navigation device.
Judge Abets Terrorists
However, in a treasonous move, US District Judge Florence-Marie Cooper, who may be partially Italian and/or French, may be related to God and who may make barrels in her spare time, issued an injunction preventing the US Navy from continuing tests of the superweapon in the Pacific Ocean yesterday. Preliminary tests prior to the order had shown great effectiveness, driving a cell of hundreds of Melon-Headed Whales into Hawaii's Hanalei Bay, and disrupting their senses of navigation along with their plans to invade the US. A lawsuit, filed by the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC), sought to restrain the Navy's tests based on archaic laws protecting sea life, after a first foolish attempt to negotiate "common-sense guidelines" against use of the superweapon.
Navy Declared Itself Exempt
The Navy had preemptively declared itself exempt from the sea life protection laws prior to the tests. Navy spokespeople were unavailable for comment regarding the injunction, which will be in effect until July 18th, but a source privately noted that the US Defense Department's position will continue to be that all armed forces branches should be exempt from restrictions of common sense. The source cited the example of a reign of terror wrought by a single rogue whale in the mid-1800s, which caused untold damage to shipping interests. Said the source: "Never again."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)