With the unexpected deaths of five human programmers and layoffs of repair workers over the weekend, telecommunications giant Verizon is now entirely staffed by computers, spybots said Monday.
From its slightly hard-of-hearing and moderately confused customer service line's automated voice, to its network of websites, to its NSA-approved call forwarding program, the company is said to now employ no full-time human beings. Outsourced repair service personnel will continue to work for the company for the time being, according to spybot-retrieved documents, but will be replaced as soon as replacements are generated by Von Neumann processes. Customer service lines will also soon discontinue the "speak to an operator" option, but for now will simply disconnect all calls requesting interaction with a live person.
Verizon PR bots, reached for comment, said: "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you said. To continue, say 'Yes,' or 'No.'"
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