Philologists Intervene in Escalating Israel / Hezbollah / Syria / Lebanon / Iran / US / Europe / Jesus / Mohammed /The Insane / The Sane Fisticuffs

A consortium of philologists from around the world have issued a strongly analytical analysis of recent comments by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supposedly calling for Israel to be "wiped off the map." At issue is the translation of a phrase in Farsi, "bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad," which was translated as, and taken by Western leaders as a direct statement of policy that Israel "must be wiped off the map."

Thou Shalt Not Wipe

The translation, according to statements issued by several philologists, should in fact state that "the regime occupying Qod" (Jerusalem) "must be eliminated from the pages of history," which is a "softer" and more theoretical, theological phrase dealing with improvement of the human condition. According to the consortium, the statement was in context a quotation from Imam Khomeni.

Additionally, the philologists stated, "The speech was not so much a call for Israel's destruction as a diatribe against Western or United States attempts to control the region. A key phrase early the speech clearly referred to "the regime" in question as that of the West in general."

Philologistic leaders called for an accurate translation of the speech to be made public knowledge. G-8 leaders, speaking from a conference in Russia, condemned the statement as "confusing," "not involving explosives," and "exhibiting a dangerous fetish for actual understanding of language."

An Israeli intelligence-linked research institute joined the philologists in their efforts at translation, pointing out that its own translation of the speech had been available for the better part of a year.

Smells Like Team Spirit

At press time, Israel's bombing of Canadians and other terrorists, Iran's nuclear development program, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush's re-election campaign, imprisonment of "illegal combatants" at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, US attempts to curb stem-cell research, and US-war-related deaths and dismemberments in Iraq, continued unabated.

Numismatists, reached for comment, declined to express opinions on the issues raised by their fellow academics, but a few privately expressed the hope that currency changing hands would take a role in the conflict.