Whales Determined to Strike in US

Photo: A terrorist leader struck and killed by a 50,000 MHz sonar wave in 2003

According to recent reports, US Defense Department officials are concerned that a large pod of Melon-Headed Whales may be amassing resources and armaments in an effort to damage US interests on land and at sea.

To protect its land-based citizens, the US has been testing a high-tech superweapon capable of killing, maiming, or driving insane its aquatic enemies. The weapon, which uses high-intensity sonar transmitted on a middle-band frequency is reportedly "broadly effective" against sea-based mammals, including whales, dolphins, porpoises, and other marine species. It is also useful, sources say, as a navigation device.

Judge Abets Terrorists

However, in a treasonous move, US District Judge Florence-Marie Cooper, who may be partially Italian and/or French, may be related to God and who may make barrels in her spare time, issued an injunction preventing the US Navy from continuing tests of the superweapon in the Pacific Ocean yesterday. Preliminary tests prior to the order had shown great effectiveness, driving a cell of hundreds of Melon-Headed Whales into Hawaii's Hanalei Bay, and disrupting their senses of navigation along with their plans to invade the US. A lawsuit, filed by the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC), sought to restrain the Navy's tests based on archaic laws protecting sea life, after a first foolish attempt to negotiate "common-sense guidelines" against use of the superweapon.

Navy Declared Itself Exempt

The Navy had preemptively declared itself exempt from the sea life protection laws prior to the tests. Navy spokespeople were unavailable for comment regarding the injunction, which will be in effect until July 18th, but a source privately noted that the US Defense Department's position will continue to be that all armed forces branches should be exempt from restrictions of common sense. The source cited the example of a reign of terror wrought by a single rogue whale in the mid-1800s, which caused untold damage to shipping interests. Said the source: "Never again."