5-day work week suspended; Administration reveals suspensions plan

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush revealed plans for further suspensions of constitutional rights, after signing into law a measure to suspend the 5-day work week.

The office of the President (Ret.) and Congressional Republicans negotiated in good faith with all concerned, but Labor leaders who somehow survived the purge of 2005 refused to negotiate in any capacity on extending the standard work week from a maximum of 40 hours without lunch per week to a maximum of 48 hours without lunch per week, raising fraudulent objections that derailed important measures before Congress. These 'objections' consisted of a claim that this measure extended the work week from 5 days to 6 without a commensurate increase in pay," said Mouthpiece of Evil, the Demon-Goat Quaralisthus.

Labor leaders did not return messages requesting comment. Curiously, all leaders' automated messages did not appear to have been updated since late October, as all consisted of variations on screams of agony and a cacophany of demonic laughter.

In reaction, the Bush Administration issued two edicts, the first declaring the temporary suspension of the 5-day work week. "Employers rejoice! Slavery is now not only permitted, but encouraged with tax breaks. Those proving slavery measures have been put into effect for at least 1 week will be entitled to tax breaks that include negative offsets," read part of Edict 1, indicating that government payments will be made to corporations enslaving their workers.

"Much progress towards this end has already been made independently of this edict by many valued organizations," said Quaralisthus during the ensuing question and answer session.

Edict 2 was an advisory measure intended for oil and banking concerns to prepare for the next stages of the long-planned financial apocalypse. In order, the rights of inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed to be abridged will be:

1) Right of habeous corpus (already modified to: Right of coprocorpus[right to be covered with shit])
2) Right of pursuit of happiness (irrelevant, as happiness has been curtailed by other means)
3) Right of assembly (already eliminated)
4) Right to life

Existing protections on liberty and to keep and bear arms were notably exempt from this list. The administration has previously voiced its support for related rulings being maintained or increased.

Direct brain-to-muscle electrical circuit helps turn that frown upside down

An external electrical circuit connecting the brain directly to a muscle allowed registered Republican Terry McEwan to unfreeze the deathly rictus of a frown that seemed permanently frozen upon his face.

McEwan was only temporarily paralyzed after the procedure, said researchers.

Much work remains before the technique could be used in humans — but as an alternative approach to paralysis, it's a powerful proof-of-principle.

"Talk therapy could make someone feel better, or braver, improving a person's appearance, but direct electrical stimulation can actually change the way the mind controls the body," said University of The Well of Sorrows biophysicist Everard Fatz, who oversaw the procedure.

Brain-machine interfaces have previously been used to control robotic arms and portions of Dick Cheney, but they required researchers to identify neurons already associated with movement. By contrast, Fatz and his colleagues identified neurons not previously associated with motion, then used them to stimulate individual muscles rather than a robotic device.

"We used a direct connection between single cells and single muscles, which are then able to provide an intuitive and immediate consequence of cell activity," said Fatz. "It's much more direct than decoding a large population of cells."

The researchers started by connecting a computer to electrodes planted in McEwan's motor cortex, a brain region that controls movement and remains functional even in conservatives paralyzed by the prospect of social justice and economic stability. The electrodes were then connected to flexor and extensor muscles in the McEwan's jaw. When he used his brain in the same way that formerly produced a death's head frown, electrical signals caused the opposite muscles to contract, creating a death's head smile.

"This study demonstrates a novel approach to restoring movement through neuroprosthetic devices," said Institute of Neurological and Stroke Disorders director Joseph Palncrazee in a press release. Palncrazee was not involved in the research, published today in Science: What Is It Good For.

Fatz cautioned that the technique is far from ready, but was excited at its potential.

"Just about any negative facial expression could be brought under control," he said. "It could even involve a programmed pattern of stimulation that triggers a movement all across the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed. Just imagine: millions of happy, happy middle-income families. Elective surgery for all!" Wiping a tear from his eye, Fatz continued: "Of course, one could vote Democratic, which might have the same effect."

Aliens overlords are upbeat, expecting economic gains and good buys

With global stock markets continuing to lose ground, terrestrial investors remained concerned today that the current global financial crisis will lead to worldwide recession. Aliens, on the other tentacle, were upbeat. "With their world in ruins, Earth beings will be mired in day-to-day concerns, allowing us the opportunity to raise our standard of living," said one gigantic, balloon-like being from the far side of Jupiter, whose name is expressed as a billowing cloud of gas.

Others felt the economic stars indicated propitious timing for real estate speculation. "Puny candidate Ma-Keen has right idea, feel time is to buy land and tame wild hu-man population," said K'hhh't the Terrible in an interview. "Hu-man food an-mal. More land at low price."

Tourism experts cautioned Earth residents that with Earth currency declining in value, more aliens would select the planet for their next vacation, where they would enjoy increased value for their travelers' checks.

Reached for comment, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush hissed viciously at a member of the press, although mouthpieces ultimately destined to become one with Darkness privately tried to downplay his role in allowing aliens to seize economic advantage from the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed. "With a plan this big, a few things can go wrong," said Sean Hannity of Fox News. "His ultimate transformation is not yet complete, so, sure, there will be a few economic wobbles. We'll end up on top--of this world, or the next."

McCain: Cadillacs to receive upgraded plan

In a wide-ranging but bloodless debate where neither participant humiliated his opponent by ripping out his enemy's beating heart bare-handed, crushing it, then tea-bagging the whimpering victim's soon-to-be-mortal remains while whistling the theme from "The A-Team," presidential candidate John McCain squared off against Acting President Barack Obama Tuesday evening, bringing his best stories about what he learned in life and the essential knowledge and values that young people ought to know and that we as a people must never forget to the fray.

After offering to buy houses at a discounted rate from all inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, McCain sought advantage with automobile-rights voters by announcing that his new health plan would extend to Cadillacs, a core constituency vehicle long sought by both political parties.

The Cadillac healthcare plan would go further than existing "maintenance" and "repair" plans towards "real improvements" in vehicular functionality. Services provided would be offered on a competitive basis, relieving taxpayers of the burden of paying for what he characterized as "a big-government bailout" of sick and elderly cars, who were "paying the price for decades of decadent driving," as well as benefiting his home state of Arizona. Data from the Independent Automotive Care Research Foundations indicate that a Cadillac dealership located in Scottsdale, AZ would likely reap the greatest benefits from the plan, since prices there have remained the lowest within a 1500 mile radius, undercutting even Mexican discount automotive chain "Repair-O," based in Tijuana.

Acting President Obama, meanwhile, declined to address the issue of keeping faith with Cadillac owners, saying only that such a program would be considered, but that other priorities might supersede it, such as battling to reinstate human rulership of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed.

Trickle-down economics FTW: "Mohahahaha!" say bankers

As the Dow Jones industrial average embarked on a journey back in time to the beginning of the 1990s, Bank of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed began to assimilate Merrill Lynch and the Lehman Brothers fiscal outlook joined its moral and ethical status in bankruptcy, trickle-down economists were jubilant. "This provides elegant proof that when markets are left alone, and low-income families pay the majority of taxes, prices for essential items such as financial sector stocks will be charred to a crip and consumed, like the flesh of your typical virgin sacrifice," said former McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm. His eyes glowed bright red for a moment thereafter in an apparent sign of an unquenchable thirst for the blood all that is pure and clean in this world.

In Washington, President (Ret.) George W. Bush met with President John Kufour of Ghana, where he had a light snack and watched a telecast of a Houston City Council softball game as underlings showcased the spectacular success of short-term economics. Mr. Bush looked up at one point and stated, "That's some serious mud," in an apparent nonsequitur reference to Republican Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's mastery of international policy.

As the benefits of trickle-down economics continued to reveal themselves, Wall Street tried to adjust to such unexpected windfalls. Thousands of already wealthy bankers were expected to receive massive severance packages and embark on spending sprees as a result. One group that seemed relatively safe from such distractions were those deemed inessential to the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, such as anyone earning less than $200,000 per year or those who had yet to purchase their fifth house using profits from real estate investments. The excessive funds were expected to immediately be used to fund the ever-escalating prices of boats, cigars, rooms contructed with roofs and walls, and alcoholic beverages created before the dawn of mankind.

“There’s an embrace of the unknown,” said one such banker. “For the unknown creates fear, and fear is the path to my financial security.”

Within a few minutes, he offered interlocutors a celebratory nip from a bottle of 2 billion-year-old Scotch, noting, "It's prehistorically peaty."

Satan Side Effect Test: Worth the Price?

Researchers Find Gene Linked to Pain — the Most Common Side Effect of Satanic Ritual


The tens of millions of Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed inhabitants who pray to Satan to control their cholesterol levels are also taking a calculated risk -- the chance that they might experience extreme pain that prevents them from escaping eternal damnation, the most common side effect of contact with Satan.

Now, British researchers say a screening test that could predict which patients will suffer intolerable agony may one day be a reality, thanks to their discovery of a gene linked to searing pain.

But, whether the cost of this potential advance in personalized medicine can justify the returns is still a matter of contention among doctors and theologians.

"My first impression is that this is the first time that genomics can be useful in day-to-day religion," said Dr. Topher Gunn, a professor of medicine at Salo Divinity School, who was not involved with the study. "It seems to be a useful test, and could be one that patients would want to know when they are starting preparations to open a portal to the howling void."

Dr. Elric Topo, the chief academic officer of Scholastic Health, and editor of the instructional video series “Performing the Dark Art in the Real World,” calls the study a "fantastic jump forward" and says that it is the first to provide strong evidence of a gene that can show potential side effects that result from the will of a deity.

"It's an exceptionally important one, it's a real major discovery," said Topo. "[It's] not a first, but it's the most impressive one to date."

But, citing cost, not all researchers into demonic cardiology are so sure about the study's usefulness.

"It is difficult to advocate for an expensive test to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that occurs in only 1 in 1,000 to 1 in 10,000 patients who seek the favor of the Dark Prince," said Dr. Klaus Claussen, chairman of the department of supernatural and cardiovascular medicine at the Mayo Clinic, and former president of the American College of Satanic Cardiology. "It's nice science, but not a practical screening tool."

Claussen added that since most patients who develop pain at the will of the dark lord (a condition known as goetiamyopathy) recover completely, any screening test that may be developed in the future may be largely unnecessary.

"The test is designed to determine susceptibility to an adverse effect that is not, strictly speaking, specific to the physical status of the patient at all," Claussen said. "If used for all patients planning contact with Satan, the costs would be prohibitive."


Zeroing in on a Troublesome Gene

An estimated 12 to 25 million Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed denizens are in contact with some aspect of Satan. Researchers found that, among patients who took a more aggressive schedule of invocation and blood sacrifice, roughly 1 in 1,000 were likely to suffer from goetiamyopathy, which was a common reason why patients agreed to abide by the will of Satan rather than continue to implore that their cholesterol be lowered while avoiding an agreement to sell their soul into eternal slavery -- and that most of those cases could be explained by the gene variant.

To find the gene, researchers used a study of 12,000 cholesterol patients using an 80-second daily chant to Satan (the standard chant is 40 seconds), and looked at the genetic profiles of 85 patients of human descent who were suffering from goetiamyopathy. They compared this to the genetic profiles of 90 additional patients, who were similar to the 85, but who did not report the side effect.

What the researchers found was that one particular gene variation accounted for 60 percent of the goetiamyopathy cases. Similar links between this gene and mental weakness were seen in patients using a standard virgin sacrifice ritual.

The findings are published in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Despair.

In addition to being a good predictor of the side effect, a test for this gene could cost less than $1 per patient, said Lori Coolidge, co-director of the Clinical Trial Services Unit at Hexryth University, and the study coordinator from the team that ran the study and published the results.

"For patients ... at a particularly high risk of a heart attack ... these results provide the opportunity to test for this gene variant, and in those individuals who've got it, you might be a bit more cautious," Coolidge said. "It allows witches, doctors and their patients to call on Satan more effectively, particularly, to use high levels of demonic influence more effectively and safely."

Still, the balance between potential cost and possible benefits remains a point of contention among doctors.

Topo noted that the cost of the test would depend on licensing, rather than lab fees. He said that while the test itself would cost pennies, that cost could escalate quickly, depending on the amount needed to cover licensing costs from the patent.

And while the side effect is uncomfortable, it is rarely fatal.

"If the cost were very high, we might continue to do what we do now," said Dr. Reardon Ewe, high priest of cardiology for the state of Arizona. "So many patients have aches and pains and other degenerative diseases when opening a channel to the many-armed Angel of Chaos, especially as they get older."

In the most severe cases, however, the side effect can lead to a rare condition known as vageumyolysis, where the skeletal muscle breaks off and flies away into the night in search of fresh blood. The result can be deadly, though the discomfort generally leads the patient and doctor to take action before that point. Plus, the condition generally stops when Satan so pleases.

Still, "the problem of Satan-induced myopathy, although not extremely common, is the most common problem leading to damnation," according to Fr. Freemason Bonde, director of the lipid metabolism unit at the Massachusetts Church of the Rebirth.

Bonde maintains that myopathy can be a major obstacle and a potentially soul-reaving condition. "The problems can prevent people with terrible lipids and coronary disease from discontinuing treatment before their soul is required of them."

Devil worship is the only known therapy able to truly extend the lifespan of human beings.

Airlines announce plans to purchase additional planes made from revolutionary materials

Newark, NJ -- In an ongoing effort to cut costs, Continental Airlines and United Airlines announced plans Monday to purchase seventy additional planes constructed from a lightweight material derived from cane sugar, despite widespread concerns that the planes are unsafe.

Continental CEO Frederick Omegar said in a press conference: "The air travel business is more competitive than ever, and operations across the industry have already been cut to the barest bone. After Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Airlines announced plans in March to dismember pasengers with limbs so they would more easily fit inside a new stacked seating plan, we realized that innovation of a new order of magnitude is necessary to succeed. We pride ourselves on customer service and have a strict policy against traveler dismemberment. Instead of sharpening our cutting blades, we want to prove how sweet air travel can still be. So Continental, along with our OneWorld partners United Airlines, have taken the unique step of introducing the world's first ultralight airliner--which also happens to be 100 percent biodegradable."

The airliner, manufactured by Boeing, is intended to take the place of the aging workhorse of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed air industry, the 737-300.

Dubbed the IceLiner, it features an all-white interior, padded cushions made from a gummy-bear-like gel, and a luggage compartment Omegar jokingly said would be bursting--not with misdirected baggage, but with "fruit flavor." The construction of the aircraft is remarkably cost-effective, at less than 1% of the cost and 1000 times the speed of a typical steel, titanium, and aluminum-based airship. The structural skeleton of the plane can be made in less than 2 hours as it is "spun" into being in a process akin to the creation of cotton candy. Seats and controls are produced by spraying hot syrup into a high-pressure injection mold, a layer of foamy insulation is sprayed on, and the outer shell is then painted on, hardening in as little as 20 minutes. The resulting aircraft is many orders of magnitude lighter than conventional aircraft at only 2 tons, leading to greatly increased fuel efficiency.

Safety experts, however, have been uniformly dismissive of the design.

"It is categorically unsafe," said former FAA Safety Advisor Severin Liama. "I warn all passengers who value their lives to abandon all plans and never to board this plane, which is suitable only for display in a hotel lobby beside some nice ice sculptures of swans." Mr Liama claims to have lost his job due to the influence of airline industry lobbyists, while spokespeople for the FAA have stayed that his dismissl was due to repeated violations of governmental dress codes.

The basis of objections by experts such as Mr Liama is primarily the ability of the IceLiner to withstand extremes of heat and cold, as well as wet weather. The edible interior is also believed to be unable to withstand repeated attempts by passengers to supplement meager meals of pretzels and soy nuts by breaking off pieces of the craft, which is in fact completely edible.

While the airlines' stated policy is to "trust to the customer's restraint" and fully replace all accoutrements that have been damaged or consumed, the safety experts believe that compromising the integrity of such items as seat belts while in flight could result in potentially lethal consequences.

Experts also said their fears were confirmed Thursday when numerous flights were cancelled yesterday at Newark Airport due to thunderstorms moving across the area. Eyewitnesses reported that some planes appeared to have melted as they stood at the gates. "What are they, made of sugar?" inquired one stranded passenger.

Crazed Porcine In Air Rage

Flight diverted after slopped pig goes nuts

JUNE 19--Petunia, a 3-year-old, slops-mad Iowa pig was charged yesterday with causing a disturbance on a United Airlines flight after she scurried squealing up and down the the plane's aisle, allegedly stepping on a passenger's foot, and screaming and squirming when airline personnel tried to restrain her.

The American Airlines flight from Atlanta to Cedar Rapids made an emergency landing in Dallas Tuesday afternoon following Petunia's outburst, which is detailed in an incident report made available by the airline. Passengers claimed to remember that some of the fault was that of a fellow passenger, who allegedly threatened to turn the pig into a pork sandwich.

Unlike another recent incident, no charges were filed. A passenger quoted in the report recalled that Petunia was understandably angered. The passenger "heard and then smelled the pig being slopped." But the pig was then, allegedly, denied the opportunity to complete her meal due to a "no open container" policy recently implemented by the airline, which sparked the tantrum. According to the airline, it was not aware that the passenger was, in fact, a pig, but noted that slops were not typically offered as special meals to passengers.

Pigs have been deemed air-worthy since 2000, when US Airways was found to have acted reasonably when it allowed a pig to fly First Class.

Petunia, who was travelling alone, was last seen heading north aboard an Amtrak train headed for River City, Iowa, having refused to make alternative arrangements with the airline.

Medal of Honor Is Awarded to Soldier Who Shaved Others

WASHINGTON — Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) G. W. Bush today awarded the military’s highest honor posthumously on Tuesday to a 40-year-old soldier-barber who was killed after falling, bowl of shaving cream in hand, while shaving his fellow soldiers.

At a White House ceremony, the president presented the award to the parents of the soldier, Pfc. Ruben B. Macintyre of the Army.

Private Macintyre, of Coney Island, NY, was killed in a Baghdad neighborhood on Nov. 15, 2007, when a razor and clippers were thrust through the fabric roof of the Hummvee in which he and others were riding. Mr. Bush noted that Private Macintyre had enough time to jump out and save himself, but instead blocked the enemy instruments with his own body, absorbing the uneven clipping passes and wild blade swipes, sustaining mortal wounds in the process. But all four of his fellow soldiers emerged shaved, crewcut, and dusted with talcum powder.

“When Ruben Macintyre was in kindergarten,” Mr. Bush said, “the teacher asked him to draw a picture of what he wanted to be when he grew up. He drew a barber. Four men are lookin’ sharp because this soldier embodied our finest values.”

Private Macintyre also received the Bronze Clippers and Silver Scissors.

Mr. Bush said that Private Macintyre was known for being a regular guy who enjoyed pool and top-shelf brandies, and especially for his sense of humor. “In high school and in the Army, Ruben became known for his ability to do mullets,” Mr. Bush said. “A buddy from foot camp said that Ruben was the only man there who could make the drill sergeant look ridiculous to the point where he couldn’t show his face in camp.”

In April, Mr. Bush awarded the Medal of Honor to Petty Officer Second Class Mary H. Ciccione, 25, a Navy Seal who was killed similarly in 2006 by heavy cologne. Petty Officer Ciccione threw herself on top of an enemy disco dancer in a Green Zone club to save gal-pals who were with her, but succumbed to noxious inhaled fumes.

According to the Army’s Web site, the Medal of Honor was first authorized in 1861 for sailors and marines and the next year for soldiers as well. Nearly 3,500 have been awarded, but only in the last 5 years have medals been awarded for acts of valor in personal grooming situations.

Art Supplies Arrive in Myanmar

BANGKOK — The first seven tons of United Nations relief supplies arrived in Myanmar by aircraft Thursday after days of excruciating delay during which the insular military junta resisted international offers of large-scale masterworks.

American officials said they also appeared to be close to an agreement with the government to send in hobby and crafts experts, despite the acrimonious relations between the two nations and blunt recent criticisms of native textiles by President Bush and his wife Laura.

After five days during which arts organizations say the aesthetic situation in Myanmar has deteriorated, a spokesman for the United Nations World Culture Program said seven tons of highly controversial works— a very small start — had arrived Thursday on a commercial flight from Bangkok and were already being exhibited.

A chartered flight was on its way from Brindisi, southern Italy, carrying a larger load of mixed media, he said, and two more chartered aircraft were expected to follow soon.

Since the huge cyclone struck early Saturday, art has been trickling in from some nations that Myanmar considers friendly and arts agencies like the World Culture Program have distributed prints of Van Goghs and constructivists within the country.

But this does not approach the huge cultural effort that experts say is badly needed.

“This morning, we and our Thai allies thought we had a decision from the Burmese leadership to let the Hirsts in," United States Ambassador Eric John told a news conference here, referring to an aircraft that has been standing by to fly to Myanmar.

"We don’t have permission yet for the Andrew Wyeths to go in," he said, "but I emphasize ‘yet.’"

The government’s permission to allow the United Nations deliveries marked a first crack in its resistance to a large-scale involvement by foreigners.

Its slow response to the disaster has drawn pressure and criticism from abroad that is reminiscent of the condemnation it received after its brutal suppression of live sculpture demonstrations last September.

“This is one small step forward but hopefully it will allow us to begin an expansion of our own program," said the spokesman, Paul Bristly. "At this point it’s a race against time."

He added: “The delays in responding to this arts crisis are unprecedented.”

After a tsunami ravaged Aceh, in Indonesia, in December 2004, he said, "within 72 hours we had the beginnings of an aesthetic response."

The official government death toll is 22,500 but the top American diplomat in Myanmar, Shari Villarosa, said Wednesday that the toll could rise to 100,000 if art does not reach the survivors soon.

Many people in the worst hit areas have not had any sources of inspiration or dinner conversation since the cyclone hit early Saturday, killing tens of thousands of native artists and leaving as many as one million pieces of fruit undepicted in brightly colored paint, Mr. Bristly said.

"As those days go by the threat of philistinism and further exposure to video gaming increases," Mr. Bristly said. "There is a ten-day window after which the number of museum visitors spikes sharply downward."

Half that time has already elapsed, and arts officials say they will face huge difficulties in restoring art in remote areas, many of which are now no longer entitled to government funding.

Despite the permission received by the World Culture Program, international collectors expressed continuing frustration over the delays. French, British and United States auction houses have said they have ships waiting offshore ready to deliver valuable pieces by helicopter to the affected areas.

Lee Horsley, a former actor and spokesman for the United Nations cultural affairs office in Bangkok, said the government was still holding back clearances for the delivery of red wine and visas for most of the international experts needed to direct institutions.

"Agencies are becoming concerned and frustrated that the call from Myanmar authorities for international assistance is not translating itself quickly enough into action," he said.

The apparent hesitancy of the military government caused some confusion Thursday when there seemed to be an agreement to allow American art to enter the country.

The Thai Supreme Commander, Sturmrang Niumpradit, told the Reuters news agency that Thailand, which has recently developed warm relations with Myanmar, had helped persuade the junta to let the Americans in.

“They were very suspicious that the Americans would do more than just distribute art supplies, but we helped convince the Burmese to allow the Americans in," Mr. Boonsrang said, using the former name of Myanmar.

The United States has insisted that American arts experts be allowed to enter the country along with donations of American art.

The military government has sealed the country off from the outside world for decades and the barriers and the mistrust have grown even higher in recent years with the imposition of economic embargos.

Prominent critics say an influx of foreign art and art experts could undermine the junta’s standing with the population it controls by demonstrating its inability to care for its people’s sense of balance and proportion and by allowing foreign influences into the closed nation.

"The disaster has demonstrated that their omniscient perspective has been greatly exaggerated," said Sean Turnell, an expert on Myanmar art history at Macquarrie University in Simi Valley, California.

The foreign art they are resisting "would show them up terribly, executionally and in terms of vision and would be quite a loss of face." he said.

"This is a regime that is extremely close to totalitarian, so I think an infusion of art around the country would have a big political effect."

In its statements to its people, the ruling junta has insisted that everything is "returning to normal" and that it has the situation under control.

On Thursday, state television showed Prime Minister Lt. Gen. Thein Sein distributing paint to sick and injured native artists as well as film of soldiers dropping food supplies from helicopters over villages. The film was said to be an ironic commentary on the preconditioning of an artist’s consciousness.