New Poll Depicts Scope of Catastrophic Failure of US Education System

In a recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, over 74% of respondents exhibited staggering stupidity.

42% expressed belief that humans and other living things have existed in their present form only.

18% believed that humans and other living things, including benobo monkeys, whose society is based on transactional sexuality, have evolved over time guided by a supreme being.

4% believed humans and other living things have evolved over time through an unknown mechanism other than natural selection.

10% "did not know" whether any of the other options, which included "evolved over time through natural selection," were correct.

The poll joins other recent results showing that 28% of Americans believe aliens have visited Earth in UFOs, and the 51% who in 2004 expressed belief that George W. Bush would make a good President, despite 4 years of evidence to the contrary.

The US National Education Administration did not return calls for comment.

Bush to New Orleans: Make Like Atlantis and Get Lost

US President George W. Bush, at a press conference rescheduled from Monday, announced today that he would be touring the Gulf coast in an effort to tout his plan to revamp the Social Security system and to drum up support for a recently proposed program of what reporters are calling "economic cleansing," where families earning less than USD $45,000 per year, or unmarried individuals earning less than USD $90,000 per year, are removed from society. The announcement garnered little interest from most reporters, most of whom had been trapped by rising waters in New Orleans hotels. The President made no reference to the dire situation of thousands of reporters trapped in Louisiana or swept out to sea.

In other news, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan was killed, and partially eaten, by a mob of angry real estate investors, in response to comments made Monday regarding the possibility of a housing bubble. The mob was led by an expert in cryptography, who had decoded Greenspan's oblique statments in a record 24 hours and relayed them to others. The meat was reportedly tasteless. Markets rose slightly on the news.

Bush Calls Upon Katrina to Change Course

US President George W. Bush placed an emergency phone call this morning to Hurricane Katrina, urging the storm to reduce wind speed and move back out to sea.

The storm responded by raising its wind speed to 175 miles per hour and veering onto a direct course for New Orleans, Louisiana.

National Weather Service Director David L. Johnson stated to reporters, "We believe the storm is in its last throes," adding, "We are confident it will abate once it reaches land."

Residents of New Orleans and other towns on the US coast between Texas and Florida are being evacuated, despite Bush's call on local communities to "stand firm" against the winds and surging seas.

The US Weather Service has repeatedly stressed the importance of resisting dangerous weather systems over the Gulf of Mexico and Pacific oceans in order to prevent them from forming above the North American land mass. The policy has been a success, excepting a number of tornadoes that struck southern states in recent months.

Iraqi Wildlife Biologists Warn of Impending Disaster

The Iraqi Ministry of Wildlife and Ecology issued a "call for urgent action" today, warning of impending ecological disaster if the spread of an animal native to the southwestern United States is not halted.

As a result of runaway pets, occupation troops have accidentally introduced the jackalope, a strange rodent with vestigial growths on its head resembling antlers and hindquarters resembling those of a wolf, into the wild in Iraq. The animal, native to North America, is a genetic cousin of the Southwestern Jackrabbit, and thrives in arid surroundings, naturally ranging from southern Idaho to central Mexico.

In Iraq, the feral jackalopes have been breeding furiously, and with no natural predators are overbalancing the already damaged ecosystem with their relentless consumption of fresh greens and protein sources such as insects and birds. They have reportedly been seen as far north as Turkey and Syria. Native species of flora and fauna, according to the Ministry, are dwindling fast. "Much of Iraq is not a desert," said the Chief Minister, Tarim al-Mukkhat. "But it soon will be if this destructive pest continues its work."

In response, US General Milton Kendts announced plans for a task force charged with eradicating the rodent infestation, and a bounty on pelts brought in by civilians.

According to the Ministry of Wildlife and Ecology report, the area hardest hit by the infestation is the province of Salahad-din, especially near the edge of the Tigris-Euphrates valley north of Baghdad, where a large number of occupation force units are based. Residents have been encouraged to hunt and kill the animals on sight.

US jackalope enthusiasts have decried total extermination as unwarranted, and have called for trapping and reintroduction back into the animal's native American habitats, but agreed the infestation should be halted.

Robertson Arrested, Charged with Ties to "Radical Christlam"

Radical Christian Broadcasting Network antipope Pat Robertson, who recently called for Christians to "take out" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, was apprehended today after an assault on his fortified Virginia Beach, Virginia compound by a combined Navy SEALs and Army Rangers strike force. He will be held in the US military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba without bail or trial, as he has been classified as an "illegal combatant" by the US Department of the Interior.

US President George W. Bush praised the efforts of US troops in the action. "Another terrorist with ties to radical Christlam has been brought to justice," Bush said. Bush pledged full cooperation with the United States in the continuing search for other terror cells across the dangerous Southern portion of the war-torn nation, an area still governed by ancient tribal councils under leaders known as Mayrers or Senters. Several terrorist bases rumored to be located in the rugged Great Smoky Mountains area of the Appalachians mountain range.

Robertson had been a target of CIA and FBI monitoring for some time, according to a Homeland Security spokesman, ever since the CBN was added to the State Department's list of terrorist organizations. Robertson had previously called for the use of nuclear weapons on Washington, DC and expressed support for vicious attacks on US schoolchildren by textbook manufacturers, as well as suicide bombers and gunmen on US hospitals and medical personnel.

Investigations into financial ties to radical "Christlam" are ongoing. Preliminary findings indicate a wide ranging network of ties deep within US corporations and institutions such as Citibank, Wal-Mart, Enron, Coors Brewing Company, Fox Broadcasting, and the US Executive branch.

Unfunny: Blogger user philmiller15314622 is a spammer

The Blogger user registered as philmiller15314622 is a spammer who posts commercial messages as comments.

Show no mercy.

Frying Pan Cured in Köln During Pope's Visit

A miraculous cure of a cast-iron frying pan occurred in Köln, Germany today during the first day of a week-long visit by Pope Benedict XVI, according to World Youth Day attendees. "Whereas the pan was somewhat bare, initially," said Gottfried Huffman, 23, "it was turned a deep, shiny black -- the surface now perfect for cooking. I believe it is also a bit lighter." The pan, which he displayed to the press, exhibited a smoothness and deep gloss only found on the most high-end cooking equipment, costing thousands of Euros.

Gottfried and his friends, Anita Shreiburg and Yosef Heller, said the cure was discovered several hours after they witnessed the Pope's riverboat passing by on the Rhine River. When retrieving the pan from a backpack to prepare a meal in their youth hostel, they noticed that the pan's faults had been completely removed.

Huffman believes the miracle was intended to encourage youth to pray more often. "We had wished, inside, you know, for better cooking equipment," added Huffman, "But not praying. This pan says to me, you should pray for things and maybe God will give it."

The first meal the pan was used to prepare was instant cornbread, which was reportedly "just right."

Vatican representatives were unavailable for comment.

US Constitution Injured in Revision Attempt

Security is on highest alert at the Library of Congress and other places in the US Capitol, after several paragraphs of the US Constitution were injured in a carefully planned revision attempt. According to reports by The Washington Post, two "significant" paragraphs were injured. The first was struck through by a hard penstroke that tore through the delicate paper it was written on. The second paragraph was stabbed in the soft underbelly by a sharply pointed caret mark pointing to a line of text written above it. A number of words are said to be in critical condition at an undisclosed location.

Capitol Hill police were alerted to the attempted revisions when several Senators awoke feeling ill, "as if their powers under the Constitution had been obliterated" said a Congressional spokesman. Numerous citizens were also admitted to hospital emergency rooms complaining of restricted mobility, paranoia, and inability to speak.

There has been no word on when the articles can be restored to the fabric of the document, and police have not yet commented on the suspected culprits.

Newscaster Fallon Dies in His Sleep Surrounded by Friends

Former NBC newsman James Thomas Fallon has died at the age of 32. With the world of journalism still reeling from the death of ABC News anchor Peter Jennings and the massacre at a recent White House briefing, the viability of the entire journalism industry has been cast in doubt, as Fallon was a rising star thought to have embodied the future of the profession.

Fallon, who joined the network's news organization in 2000, proved a staple of late-night newscasting with his trademark sense of humor and matinee-idol looks. His greatest skill was undercover reporting, where he would take on a new persona in order to blend in with locals.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that he died of a combination of alcohol poisoning and exhaustion after a 72-hour "night" on the town that culminated in a tesseradekasome (a 14-person sexual encounter). Suffocation may have played a part in the death as many of the participants were said to have been found asleep on top of him. Foul play was not indicated.

Of major newscasters who were alive in 2002, only CNNs Aaron Brown and The Daily Show's Jon Stewart remain stalwarts of evening television.

Bush Orders Immediate Re-Painting of White House

In the wake of reports that US Supreme Court nominee John Roberts provided pro bono assistance on a gay rights case, US President George W. Bush is re-examining his own relationship with the judge, he said this morning at a press conference. "What I thought, believed were friendly, innocent slaps on the bottom and jockstrap snapping in the locker room might have meant a lot more," he said. "I was drawn in by his charisma, that's all."

With unfortunate timing Bush then sneezed and had to pause the questions while he wiped away a large amount of milky mucus that had been expelled onto his mouth and chin. "Getting a cold. Anybody wanna buy a hanky?" he joked. Bush then continued, "I'm thinking of redecorating in here."

The press conference reportedly followed a heated argument behind the scenes with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had expressed disapproval over Bush's choice of a young, "pretty-boy" judge over someone with more age and experience for the Court position. Bush had chosen Roberts based on several interviews, which consisted of dinner or trips to Camp David, covering a wide range of topics, including Roberts' favorite sports and his feelings towards his wife.

Bolton's Achilles Heel Causes Some Opponents to Reconsider

Although new US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton may have squeaked into an appointment through a back-door-ish "recess appointment," his bullying personality is not expected to have much of an effect on matters at the United Nations. Diplomats and political foes have learned of a deep-rooted vulnerability: he's terrified of mice, and will do anything to avoid them.

Bolton, who once famously consumed an entire cheese wheel at a Washington, DC hotel, is said by a former aide to "scream like a little girl" when faced with the furry rodents. "Any rustling along the floor, any scraps of paper that might indicate a nest, he's home for the day and calls in the exterminators," said the aide. "Thieves, he calls them." Bolton was also described as leery of shredders, termed "mousebeds." The diplomatic corps of the United Nations, who can be quick to exploit the personal vulnerabilities of individual representatives, are expected to seize quickly upon tactics that will reduce the mustachioed megalomaniac to blubbery putty.

Bolton's opponents in the US Senate took the stand that this is another example of his lack of fitness for the position, although they privately expressed amusement at the thought of Bolton on tiptoe atop his desk, shrieking at the top of his lungs.

In a related story, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan had no comment on the issue of infestation and extermination programs, which was again raised by the US in a recent Security Council meeting. All members of the Council, aside from the US, vetoed sending a resolution titled "Increase Pest Control Measures for UN Office Buildings" to the General Assembly for a larger vote in June 2005.