Bush Orders Immediate Re-Painting of White House

In the wake of reports that US Supreme Court nominee John Roberts provided pro bono assistance on a gay rights case, US President George W. Bush is re-examining his own relationship with the judge, he said this morning at a press conference. "What I thought, believed were friendly, innocent slaps on the bottom and jockstrap snapping in the locker room might have meant a lot more," he said. "I was drawn in by his charisma, that's all."

With unfortunate timing Bush then sneezed and had to pause the questions while he wiped away a large amount of milky mucus that had been expelled onto his mouth and chin. "Getting a cold. Anybody wanna buy a hanky?" he joked. Bush then continued, "I'm thinking of redecorating in here."

The press conference reportedly followed a heated argument behind the scenes with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had expressed disapproval over Bush's choice of a young, "pretty-boy" judge over someone with more age and experience for the Court position. Bush had chosen Roberts based on several interviews, which consisted of dinner or trips to Camp David, covering a wide range of topics, including Roberts' favorite sports and his feelings towards his wife.