US President George W. Bush, at a press conference rescheduled from Monday, announced today that he would be touring the Gulf coast in an effort to tout his plan to revamp the Social Security system and to drum up support for a recently proposed program of what reporters are calling "economic cleansing," where families earning less than USD $45,000 per year, or unmarried individuals earning less than USD $90,000 per year, are removed from society. The announcement garnered little interest from most reporters, most of whom had been trapped by rising waters in New Orleans hotels. The President made no reference to the dire situation of thousands of reporters trapped in Louisiana or swept out to sea.
In other news, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan was killed, and partially eaten, by a mob of angry real estate investors, in response to comments made Monday regarding the possibility of a housing bubble. The mob was led by an expert in cryptography, who had decoded Greenspan's oblique statments in a record 24 hours and relayed them to others. The meat was reportedly tasteless. Markets rose slightly on the news.
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