Bush Declares "War on Nature"

With first responders beginning to arrive in the storm-lashed city of New Orleans and affected areas of the Gulf Coast, US President George W. Bush addressed the people of the nation last night in a televised speech.

Bush declared he would open a "war on nature" to ensure an attack like that of Hurricane Katrina would "never, ever happen again." He announced the elevation of the Environmental Protection Agency to a cabinet-level position, and assured Americans that an environmental threat assessment (ETA) would become "an essential part" of the President's Daily Briefing report he receives every morning, so he will be able to reschedule fundraisers if necessary.

Bush called on other nations to join the battle against natural disasters. Presidente Fidel Castro of Cuba, which weathers more than 5 hurricanes per season, said he would be first to "join hands" with the United States in the "noble cause."

The parameters of the "war on nature" were unclear, but some news commentators speculated that it would pick up from earlier US initiatives toward draining wetlands, removing dangerous wildlife from uninhabited areas, and increasing temperature-control efforts such as increasing auto emissions that promise to remake the planet as a large temperate zone. Larger projects might include efforts to reduce ocean water levels and build large geodesic domes over important parts of major cities.