Evolution Marshals Forces for War on Intelligent Design

Evolution is reportedly amassing forces in preparation for an all-out assault on the so-called "Intelligent Design" theory.

Billions of microscopic Avian Flu virii are being gathered in Asia to unleash havoc on human, avian, and other forms of life. Current plans call for the viral strains to strike the young and healthy, as well as the old and sickly, non-preferentially, causing each species' genome (the spectrum of possible genetic variations within the species) to evolve into another species with its own unique genome, according to a plan known as "punctuated equilibrium."

The viruses are but one component of Evolution's battle plan. Also at work are such events as weather patterns, earthquakes and other tectonic disasters, as well as astral events like the appearance of a comet in the sky which will strike madness and terror into many proponents of an essentially ordered universe, prompting massive suicides, genocides, or increased birth rates due to increased rates of coupling by terrified individuals.

Intelligent Design may preempt such actions or strike back, however, if its followers intentionally seize the reins of destruction. Options being weighed by Intelligent Design include such acts as intentionally releasing deadly microbes and pollutants into the global ecosystem, enacting arbitrary social patterns that purposefully allow certain aspects of their species's genome to thrive while others weaken, detonating a very large nuclear weapon in the earth's core (or a visiting comet) causing the astral body to explode, and the spontaneous generation of new species.