These Days, If It Costs An Arm and a Leg, It's a Bargain

Black market doctors across Central and South America are lamenting the declining prices of body parts. "It used to be when you said something cost an arm and a leg, it meant an arm and a leg were worth something," said Estevao Plytas, who runs a harvesting ring in the back alleys of Buenos Aires. "The market is essentially gutted."

Industry observers blame the falling prices for unused internal organs, faces, fingertips and eyeballs on increased death rates and generally poorer health of eligible street children donors in poor countries, and better preventive health measures in rich countries. Demand for liver transplant has dropped significantly with a decrease in alcoholism across Europe, according to Jaime Geragas, an unlicensed physician who runs a health spa somewhere in Peru. "Limbs are also in low demand," continued Geragas. "I have a warehouse full of arms, but this month our arms shipments are practically zero."

Some analysts also blame US trade protectionism. Chelation centers in Juarez, Mexico, are facing increased competition from chelation centers in the US, according to an August 2004 report from the Mexican Ministry of Health. Although chelation remains illegal in the United States, the US centers are nonetheless supported by small business loan programs and developing industry subsidies. The Ministry of Health report recommended that local operations increase marketing efforts in coordination with local tourist boards.

The US epidemics of obesity and teen sexual activity have spurred growth in other areas of the black market, however. Second-quarter figures show strong growth in shipments of banned diet pill amphetamines, exotic foods such as endangered species and newborn humans, and rates of re-virginification surgery, across the developing world.

Humans "Worthless and Weak" Say Scientists

Unlike the majority of other species on the planet, humanity has done no good for the planet, said a cross-disciplinary consortium of scientists today. Humanity is also, relatively speaking, the most vulnerable non-endangered species when it comes to changes to its gene pool, such as mass deaths on a scale in the thousands, or genetic disease.

Commenting on the vulnerability issue, anthropologist Dee Snyder of Stanford University said, "You're all worthless and weak."

Regarding the species' contribution to the planet, "humans contribute only disease and pollution," said Dr. John Smith of Macquarie University in Sydney. "Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment. Humans do not. They move to an area and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way they can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. "

A countervailing group of scientists studying the same subject came to different conclusions. "We believe the data studied indicate that although humans have their problems like all others, they essentially act in harmony with their environment and other species, and are more resilient than would first appear," said Dr. Robert Mounty of McMaster University. "They are like tea bags: you never know how strong they are until they are put in hot water. And they have properties that aid the health of the general environment."

Mounty's group had been part of the first consortium but broke off when they began to study the use of language. Mounty reportedly stormed out of a conference shouting, "Sir, I do not approve of your methods!" to project leader Jim Malone of the University of Chicago.

Massachussetts Gone Wild Celebrates End of Prohibition

Rockport, Massachussetts poured its first legal drink in 150 years on July 12th. The drink was a dry martini, "as dry as this town was," quipped Peter Beacham,16, the orderer of the drink. He was later found stumbling around town, knocking hats off gentlemen, turning crosses upside-down, and threatening passers-by that he would "knock yah blocks off if you come any closah." The town had been dry since 1856.

Across the state, shockingly pale women went topless in a shocking display of public nudity, men gambled their money away, brawled, grew beards, and stumbled half-conscious onto merchant marine boats bound for the South Seas, drug addicts added "a little extra" to their IV lines, and generations of steely-eyed patriots, including John Kerry (D-MA), rolled in their graves.

Senator John Breaux of Louisiana (D-LA), when reached for comment, stated "I'm sure in time Rockport will become more comfortable with the New Orleans lifestyle." He said that he "might consider" such a place for a vacation now that the town was no longer dry.

Hilary: Socks Was Agent in Right-Wing Conspiracy

Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) has confided to her inner circle that Socks, the pet cat of the Clinton White House, was in fact a surgically altered spy in league with a surveillance team working for an ultra-conservative Congressional right-wing lobby.

During the early stages of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, now-Senator Clinton had made remarks to the effect that "a vast right-wing conspiracy" was responsible for rumors circulating about her husband's relationship with the White House Intern. Later she discovered that the rumors had basis in fact, and also the means by which conservatives had acquired the information. As with a cat trained to spy on Soviet diplomats (pdf), Socks was implanted with an antenna in his tail and a power source and microphone in his chest. After the discovery, she secretly had the implants removed by a friendly veterinarian while the family was on vacation in Martha's Vineyard. The devices were later used to upset the effort to impeach Mr. Clinton by providing misdirection to eavesdroppers.

Senator Clinton reportedly bears no ill-will towards the cat, which now resides at the Clintons' home in Westchester, NY. However, as a precaution, she now ensures that no pets are admitted to top-level meetings.

Bush Declares Americans Are Not Friends

Departing from a prepared Rose Garden speech today, US President George W. Bush at last broke silence on the flap over aide Karl Rove's disclosure of a CIA agent's identity. Bush stated that Rove continued to have his "full confidence" and was being "taken good care of."

Referring to Mr. Bush's recent defense of Alberto Gonzalez against criticisms, a reporter asked "You've said in the past that you are loyal to your friends. Do you consider the American people your friends?"

Mr. Bush considered carefully for a moment while cameras snapped, multiple answers appearing to cross his lips, then spoke clearly and plainly. "No. I guess not. Not by that definition you're using."

Briefing Room Massacre Stuns Journalistic Community

Gunsmoke and unanswered questions linger in the air today after Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, opened fire with an M-4 assault rifle on news correspondents at this morning's press briefing.

Pandemonium erupted immediately upon McClellan's arrival, rifle held at his waist, gangland-style. By eyewitness accounts, ABC's Terry Moran was the first person hit by the high-powered rifle's explosive bullets. In a chain reaction, David Jackson of the Dallas Morning News was then felled by exploding pieces of Terry Moran. A large number of other journalists, including correspondents for foreign publications, reportedly lie dead or wounded.

The Washington Post's Peter Baker remains in serious condition at a DC-area hospital under armed guard provided by the newspaper's publisher. Baker, with a few lucky others, fled the scene at the first sign of carnage, dodging Secret Service personnel, attack dogs, and hordes of gawping tourists.

No word has been issued from the White House commenting on today's events. Conservative commentators were quick to note, however, that McClellan had repeatedly urged correspondents not to ask him to comment on an ongoing criminal investigation involving White House advisor Karl Rove, stating "you know what kind of person I am."

"This attack will undoubtedly be seen as a pivotal event in the history of American and world journalism," said commentator Mark Shields, reached for comment outside his home. Shields appeared to be hastily packing for a vacation but was reluctant to disclose the holiday destination.

In other news, Democratic senators have provided reporters with a suspiciously worded letter purportedly from party chairman Howard Dean, requesting their presence at an "extra-special private awards ceremony" at the Kennedy Center tonight. The letter is on DNC letterhead but the handwriting did not appear to be Dean's usual signature.

Bush Makes Good On Pledge to Take Care of Leakers

There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. If there's leaks out of my administration, I want to know who it is, and if the person has violated the law, the person will be taken care of.

- George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

With Karl Rove outed as the source for the Valerie Plame leak, US President George W. Bush has vowed to continue to "take care of" his embattled Chief of Staff. Measures to be taken include the introduction of round-the-clock concierge service, a weekly manicure and pedicure, hot towel service three times daily, and as-needed visits from a shiatsu massage expert.

All leakers will receive similar or harsher treatments, stated a White House spokesman, off the record. A number of deep-tissue masseuses are "on call" should any other leakers come forward or have their identities revealed by unscrupulous individuals, who would themselves become leakers subject to punitive kneading.

In a related story, Dark Matter has received full identity information on multiple CIA operatives, but has destroyed this information in order to ensure continued availability of top-rated spa services in the Washington DC area for our correspondents.

Massive Rescue Operation for CNN Crews in Wake of Hurricane Dennis

Journalists are praying for the well-being of their colleagues today after two CNN crews covering Hurricane Dennis were swept out to sea by giant waves last night.

"If it's not hundred-foot waves, it's man-eating sharks out here," said Anderson Cooper, in an interview hastily broadcast from his sinking satellite truck. Cooper's truck had crashed through a concrete barrier and dropped off a low cliff into raging seas. The truck, rapidly filling with water, lost transmission capabilities before the interview could be completed.

Others now missing include newscaster Soledad O'Brien, whose last reported words were "So, no, this isn't tanning weather, Aaron." Eyewitness accounts say that as O'Brien and her news crew packed up their gear after a broadcast, a 200-foot wave smashed across the seawall they were standing on, pulling them out to sea.

The US Coast Guard has launched what was characterized as a "massive" rescue operation to find the missing newscasters. Hundreds more newscasters have rushed to the area to cover this gripping story. Both reporters were said to be strong swimmers, but rumors are circulating that Coast Guard officials have them listed as "missing, presumed drowned." Additionally, both were lost in the general vicinity of recent shark attacks.

In Eloquent Statements, Bush Seeks to Mend Ties with Europe

In an eloquent speech today marking the close of the G-8 Summit, President George W. Bush of the United States urged Britons to abandon doubts that "we are winning the war on terror." In a ringing coda marred only slightly by a mispronounciation, Bush declared, "Today, we are all Brutons."

Later in the day Bush attempted to mend frayed ties with France by pointedly ordering "fromage," on Air Force One, unfortunately typoed "frottage" on the menu.