Rumsfeld Gravely Injured After Duel With Treacherous Accusers

On the volcanic island of Hawaii, US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was ambushed by traitorous accusers seeking his dismissal. The Secretary responded by challenging his opponents to defend their points in the ancient military judicial tool of trial by combat.

After a saber duel in which, after numerous clashes, resulted in the defeat, death and dishonor of all comers, the Secretary, however, sustained serious injuries to his right arm and both legs, as well as numerous third degree burns and bronchial scarring after a misstep near what proved to be an active lava flow.

Defense Department officials noted that after a brief convalescence, Rumsfeld will continue to serve in his current position with undiminished vigor, but cautioned that he may need to wear protective clothing and a breathing mask for some time.