Little Grover Tapped for FDA Post

After the abrupt resignation of Lester M. Crawford from the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), timed to coincide with US Vice President Richard M. Cheney's knee surgery, the US Department of Health and Human Services surprised the scientific community by announcing the appointment of Grover the muppet as Director of the agency.

In a press conference, Grover said "I am so happeee!" while swaying side to side vigorously, mouth open in a friendly smile.

A White House press release said Grover's credentials as an educator, familiar to every American, made him a fine candidate for the job, and looked forward to "real progress" during his tenure. They denied that Bush 2004 campaign contributor (and drug manufacturer) The Letter E had exterted any influence on the decision, although E and Grover have historical, l-y been close, l-y linked.

Blair Orders Clinical Trial to Gauge Extent of "Moss Effect" on Children

Scotland Yard head Ian Blair, speaking in an evening news interview, said that the British government would fund a clinical trial to determine the extent to which British children have been influenced by supermodel Kate Moss. "It's the most rigorous way to decide whether to bring charges," said Blair.

Researchers plan to observe and obtain surveys regarding behaviors, attitudes, and medical histories for a large sample of British children and adults who had been exposed to the supermodel at ages 1-18. A group of British citizens who in statistical terms, had "never" experienced exposure to the 1990s waif-chic icon, will serve as the control arm of the study. Another cohort of individuals exposed to someone who is not famous, but who acts like Kate Moss, will round out the results.

Preliminary data is expected by 2010. In addition to its usefulness in determining whether Moss should be punished, researchers expect to be able to use some findings to develop antidotes for the Moss Effect syndrome. Hopes are high that a drug parents could easily administer to children found to have been exposed to Moss will be brought to market by 2025, when Moss, at age 51, will still pose a significant threat.

Supreme Being Apologizes for Collateral Damage After Recent Wraths

The supreme being of infinite space and time today issued a statement through a representative, Arthur Eety of Lawrence, Kansas, apologizing for the collateral suffering caused recent attempts to visit divine justice upon sinner George W. Bush, US President (Ret.).

"When OUR WROTH is GREAT, says the LORD," said Eety, "OUR response must be equally GREAT. With regret WE apologize for OUR poor aim."

Eety further instructed reporters, in other King James English-inflected phrases, that Hurricane Katrina had been aimed at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, and that Hurricane Ophelia was intended to "blot that NEST of VIPERS, Washington DC, from the FACE of this EARTH." The complexity of the planetary weather system, especially due to changes recently (in cosmic terms) wrought by the Industrial Revolution and Global Warming, as well as the need to manage all of spacetime simultaneously, as well as slow approvals from local supernatural agents, were the main reasons for the errors, Eety explained. Eety said the Supreme Being promised to make the afterlife "better than ever" as recompense for the suffering refugees endured. "Unfortunately," Eety said, "WE must visit WROTH with the weather systems WE have."

The deity expressed hope that recent failures would not persuade followers to turn for help to rival beings of divine power, such as the Ultimate Embodiment of All Evil, in Christianity variously known as The Devil or The Democrat.

No direct response was provided to questions whether more precise tools, such as tornadoes, prophets, or Judges, were available for enacting divine policy. However, according to files made available by Eety, a 1939 tornado intended to remove Adolph Hitler from Chancellorship of Germany proved highly inaccurate, instead uprooting small children from their Kansas homes and carrying them to other lands, such as Australia.

Bush to Nation: This Time, Reconstruction Should PRECEDE Civil War

White House aides have confirmed that US President George W. Bush (Ret.) will deliver a speech tonight focusing on the reconstruction of the US Gulf Coast. The programs and policies will be designed to simultaneously prime the nation for a new civil war and funnel monies into the pockets of individuals and corporations who were major supporters of Bush's 2004 re-election campaign, most of whom are "highly likely" to be on the winning side.

Staffers said that "substantial planning" had been done for this major policy push during Bush's monthlong vacation that ended only five days after Hurricane Katrina passed through the area.

The fault lines along which the nation is expected to divide are unclear, but numerous so-called avenues of exploitation exist. (The term is that used in White House memos on the subject.) A number of memorable lines are being considered for the speech, including "If you're with us, you're against us," "All you need is blood," and, in a nod to the death of 1960s-era liberal social ideals, "I have a dream."

Girl Bites Cat

In a stunning reversal of the heirarchies of nature, a young woman was bitten recently by a cat. According to eyewitnesses, the unidentified woman gave the cat a taste of its own cat-nip, by biting the cat on one of its front paws.

Not permanently injured but suitably chastened, the cat later apologized by peeing inside a printer and leaping onto a keyboard causing an email to be sent accidentally.

In other news, George W. Bush, US President (Ret.) blubberingly apologized to the United Nations in an address today, saying he was very sorry for wrecking the world but that he still needed it to drive towards peace and prosperity.

Somebody's Coming to Get You, Mama.

I want to give you one last story and I’ll shut up and let you tell me whatever you want to tell me. The guy who runs this building I’m in, Emergency Management, he’s responsible for everything. His mother was trapped in St. Bernard nursing home and every day she called him and said, “Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?” and he said, “Yeah, Mama, somebody’s coming to get you.” "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Tuesday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Wednesday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Thursday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Friday. And she drowned Friday night. She drowned Friday night! [Sobbing] Nobody’s coming to get us. Nobody’s coming to get us. The Secretary has promised. Everybody’s promised. They’ve had press conferences. I’m sick of the press conferences. For god’s sakes, just shut up and send us somebody.

-- Aaron Broussard, President, Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, on NBC's Meet the Press



What didn't go right?

-- George W. Bush, US President (Ret.), to Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), House Minority Leader


If that second quote isn't perfidious, I don't know what is.

Bush Acts Quickly to Give Aid and Comfort to Latest Katrina Victim

US President George W. Bush (Ret.) acted quickly to provide succour to Hurricane Katrina victim Michael D. Brown, on reports Brown was having difficulties at work as a result of the hurricane.

Due to the devastation wrought by Katrina, Brown was "experiencing unparalleled levels of work-related stress" for which he was caught "totally unaware."

Cutting through snarls of bureaucratic red tape, Bush issued an exective order that Brown "be returned to Washington forthwith" to prevent any chance of continued exposure to situations, such as having to instruct people what to do, or evading questions from the press, that would adversely affect him.

The move was widely held as yet another instance of Bush's compassion for hurricane victims.

In other news, the Oxford English Dictionary has announced that it will include a revision of secondary meanings of the word "heck" to mean "bowl-stainingly turdlike," or (alt.) "likely to result in thousands of decomposing, rat-eaten corpses," when used as an adjective. The word's original meaning as a euphemism for "Hell" remains the primary meaning.

Parker Brothers to Issue "The Blame Game" for Holiday Shopping Season

Parker Brothers, makers of the popular games Rook, Monopoly, and Risk, are readying a new release for the 2005 holiday shopping season: "The Blame Game."

Sources say that random events will be generated for each turn, with the primary player (white pieces) able to use lesser white pieces to generate "slimes," "deflections," "lies," "kills," and "amplification networks." Opponents (black pieces) will be able to do some of the same moves, as well as issue "blame" and, if coordinated moves are applied in an appropriate order, to commandeer some of the lesser white pieces. Game makers admit the odds are stacked against the black pieces, but, they say, "the object of the game is to have fun, not to win." The "blame" move can always be evaded by the white player by playing the "this is not time for politics" reserve card, which can never be played twice in a row, but its use is otherwise unlimited.

Assignment to primary or secondary player roles will be made on the basis of a dice roll. The game will end when all pieces on one side or the other are all "dead."

The game is set to appear on shelves in November in selected locales.

Army Restarts Recruitment Ads Over CNN Katrina Coverage

While New Orleans burns, and despite claims by George W. Bush, US President (Ret.), that the slow, incompetent, and racially and politically biased response to the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina was not due in any way to reduced availability of US Army and National Guard troops, many of whom are currently stationed in Iraq, the US Army has begun its latest wave of recruitment ads with blanket coverage of CNN.com.

The ads promote recruitment over Hurricane Katrina aftermath coverage, and are described by experts as misleading. The connection with hurricane coverage "strongly implies" the US will never send them into harm's way, say experts, when the reality is that most new troops will be sent into combat in Iraq or Afghanistan.

NBC News Reveals Kanye West Is A Correspondent

Television network NBC issued a statement today that rapper Kanye West, who appeared on a Hurricane Aid telethon Friday, was "issuing a factual report" and praised his "unorthodox style of reportage," saying it offered a "refreshingly factual perspective" on the news.

West, whose report was integrated into the telecast amid several mindless celebrity telepromter readings, had been investigating the story for many years.

CBS News praised the reporter's controversial report and noted "in a world where systems of reportage are repeatedly overruled by corporate interests, it is important to utilize new contexts for meaningful journalism to reach the public."

Bush Declares "War on Nature"

With first responders beginning to arrive in the storm-lashed city of New Orleans and affected areas of the Gulf Coast, US President George W. Bush addressed the people of the nation last night in a televised speech.

Bush declared he would open a "war on nature" to ensure an attack like that of Hurricane Katrina would "never, ever happen again." He announced the elevation of the Environmental Protection Agency to a cabinet-level position, and assured Americans that an environmental threat assessment (ETA) would become "an essential part" of the President's Daily Briefing report he receives every morning, so he will be able to reschedule fundraisers if necessary.

Bush called on other nations to join the battle against natural disasters. Presidente Fidel Castro of Cuba, which weathers more than 5 hurricanes per season, said he would be first to "join hands" with the United States in the "noble cause."

The parameters of the "war on nature" were unclear, but some news commentators speculated that it would pick up from earlier US initiatives toward draining wetlands, removing dangerous wildlife from uninhabited areas, and increasing temperature-control efforts such as increasing auto emissions that promise to remake the planet as a large temperate zone. Larger projects might include efforts to reduce ocean water levels and build large geodesic domes over important parts of major cities.

Iraqi National Guard Embarks on Mission to Build Democracy in US

The Iraqi National Army is deploying troops to the tyrant-controlled city of New Orleans in an effort to liberate the people of the United States, according to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. Other nations have offered to join the liberation effort.

In a speech to his people, Talabani remarked, "We have difficult work to do in America. We must bring order to parts of that country that remain dangerous, and the United States Armed Forces, though weakened, are still a strong force to contend with. We may face losses, but we know this is a right cause and our hearts are just. America, we have heard your cry for help and will be with you in your hour of need."

The country had been ruled by a tyrant for six years, who had attacked his own people, engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction, and directed a puppet representative body, known as the Congress, to enact policies intended to amass oil and other weath for himself and his friends.

Over 40,000 Iraqi National Guard troops will be deployed to the ruined city. Contributions from France, Afghanistan, and the Palestinian Authority will bring troop strength to 150,000 or more.

Louisianian refugees, huddled in squalid concentration camps under nightmarish conditions, said they would welcome the arrival of aid from any quarter.

Strategic Oil Reserves Released into Gulf; Bush Counsels Americans to Take Shortcuts

In an inspiring address to the nation yesterday evening, US President George W. Bush announced that he would be releasing the country's strategic oil reserves into the Gulf of Mexico. He said the oil would be "free for anyone who needs it in this tragedy-stricken area." He remained mum, however, about the method by which it should be obtained from ocean waters.

Bush counseled Americans concerned about rising gasoline prices that "sacrifices will be necessary" to weather shortages created by the damage of Hurricane Katrina.

"You may have to take some shortcuts to where you're going," he said. "Don't send out a separate car for every bag of groceries. Make one trip to the bank per day to deposit your money, not five. Consider carpooling to the store when looting. Don't pour gasoline on a fire when kerosene will do. That sort of thing."