NY Globalization Protest Results in Aerial Gunfire, Death

In New York today, the untimely death of a seventy-two year old Polynesian actor (name withheld pending notification of relatives) has prompted questions about excessive force used in response to protest actions. After a Broadway performance, the actor reportedly entered a restricted space atop the Empire State Building and may have utilized explosives or weapons to send debris hurtling to the street.

Former associates said his actions were most likely intended to express opposition to economic and social exploitation of small islands' impoverished economies, and that he was also incensed by US efforts to add "intelligent design" to school curricula in place of evolutionary theory.

The actor was killed and fell thousands of feet to the ground after onlookers reported hearing gunfire from circling aircraft.

Dead, Wounded, and Reassigned

Citing the need for "total victory in Iraq," a confidential White House memo disclosed today shows that claimed US troop reductions in Iraq, said to be in progress, are counting deaths and incapacitations as part of overall totals removed from duty.

The memo shows that over 2,100 troops killed and over 15,000 wounded have already been "reassigned or transferred to duties outside the engagement zone," allowing US President George W. Bush (Ret.) to claim in recent rhetoric that troop levels have already dropped. These levels are nearly on target with the reported goal of bringing 20,000 troops home by the end of December.

An internet video featuring a crudely drawn talking turkey, claiming to be an official statement from Al Quaeda in Mesopotamia, surfaced on Thursday. The animated character's voiceover expressed support for such progress, and promised to do everything in its power to accelerate the process of sending Americans home for their Christmas holiday.

Nobel Prizes Decried as Partisan

In a rare rant from the podium of the White House, US President George W. Bush (Ret.) today raged against the Nobel Foundation, awarders of the Nobel Prizes, for its "unswerving" dedication to "partisan ideology."

As Bush noted in his comments, "The Nobel Prize for Literature has consistently supported writers espousing left-wing ideologies. The prizes for Chemistry and Physics have consistently supported scientific approaches to innovation. And the prize for Peace has consistently supported persons whose ideas tear at the very foundation of our shared values. It is delusion to believe otherwise."

Bush pointed out that British playwright Harold Pinter used the 2005 literature prize award ceremony, held on December 7th, as a forum to "air unfounded grievances against United States policy, decisions he couldn't possibly have any idea about."

When asked what action, if any, might be taken to correct the situation, Bush answered, "They oughta be strung up by their feet and asked why they so blatantly promote partisan goals." "Given the volatility of the world today after September 11th," he said, "I think they need to let a little air in and consider other perspectives."

In over 100 years of activity, the Nobels have been awarded to a wide range of personalities across professional disciplines. The Foundation was created in 1895 by Swedish industrialist Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite in 1866.