Yee haw! It's a Reutin'-tootin' News Roundup!

Republican Nonsuperminority Roundly Critiques Obama's Anti-Asteroid Policy

Reacting to a report released today, Republican lawmakers criticized the Obama Administration for not doing more to protect the planet from asteroids and other "threats from science, such as Darth Vader." Administration officials hailed the complaints as evidence that many Republicans had moved accepted principles of cosmology beyond the heliocentric theory.

British Holiday Inns Allow Guests to Request Sex with Staff

Speaking in multiple double-entendres, Holiday Inn officials "clarified" that "all" "staff" "members" "will" "wear" "clothes" "while" "warming" "beds."


Investor Optimism High...

... As Investors Take Stocks to New Lows