MILTHs / Help / Bush In / Discovering New Ways to Smoke Trees

Update from California:

In response to the major fires sweeping across California, celebrity bloggers around the web have created a new category of literally hot hottie: mothers I’d like to help, or MILTHs. In a poll, Jessica Alba was voted the top MILTH, although she is neither a mother nor in need of assistance.

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) Bush, after repeated text messages from California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, declared a state of emergency in California, paving the way for federal disaster aid to arrive, and said he would survey the state on Thursday, except, of course, for the areas “where the fires are burning in.”

Mindful of the fact that many California citizens are white, Mr. Bush dispatched officials from the Department of Homeland Security to assess damage ahead of time, so that relief checks could be deposited the instant flames crossed a property line.

On Tuesday, the governator re-texted Mr. Bush, asking him to raise his declaration to “major disaster,” which would affect how the state is reimbursed later. The governor estimated that $75 million in federal aid would be needed. If the fires continue to burn, Mr. Schwarzenegger said, the situation could be upgraded to “total disaster,” which would trigger a deployment of an international coalition of fire-fighters, 6 trillion dollars in federal disaster aid, and a second flyover by Mr. Bush.

Federal and local fire teams from Nevada, Oregon and Wyoming joined the fight, and the governator called up 1500 National Guard members, who were happy to transfer back to the US from Iraq. Mr. Schwarzenegger said in a news conference Tuesday that he was “happy” with the “high” number of firefighters working the blazes, officials said that they were stretched thin and that a lack of food and video games was as much a burden as the temperatures and winds.

“Our numbers are low,” a fire captain confirmed in a telephone interview from San Diego. “But our firefighters are high due to the high concentrations of illegal marijuana in many homes. However, many firefighters are temporarily overcome by fits of giggling and extreme hunger. Moreover, there are not enough couches available.”