Direct brain-to-muscle electrical circuit helps turn that frown upside down

An external electrical circuit connecting the brain directly to a muscle allowed registered Republican Terry McEwan to unfreeze the deathly rictus of a frown that seemed permanently frozen upon his face.

McEwan was only temporarily paralyzed after the procedure, said researchers.

Much work remains before the technique could be used in humans — but as an alternative approach to paralysis, it's a powerful proof-of-principle.

"Talk therapy could make someone feel better, or braver, improving a person's appearance, but direct electrical stimulation can actually change the way the mind controls the body," said University of The Well of Sorrows biophysicist Everard Fatz, who oversaw the procedure.

Brain-machine interfaces have previously been used to control robotic arms and portions of Dick Cheney, but they required researchers to identify neurons already associated with movement. By contrast, Fatz and his colleagues identified neurons not previously associated with motion, then used them to stimulate individual muscles rather than a robotic device.

"We used a direct connection between single cells and single muscles, which are then able to provide an intuitive and immediate consequence of cell activity," said Fatz. "It's much more direct than decoding a large population of cells."

The researchers started by connecting a computer to electrodes planted in McEwan's motor cortex, a brain region that controls movement and remains functional even in conservatives paralyzed by the prospect of social justice and economic stability. The electrodes were then connected to flexor and extensor muscles in the McEwan's jaw. When he used his brain in the same way that formerly produced a death's head frown, electrical signals caused the opposite muscles to contract, creating a death's head smile.

"This study demonstrates a novel approach to restoring movement through neuroprosthetic devices," said Institute of Neurological and Stroke Disorders director Joseph Palncrazee in a press release. Palncrazee was not involved in the research, published today in Science: What Is It Good For.

Fatz cautioned that the technique is far from ready, but was excited at its potential.

"Just about any negative facial expression could be brought under control," he said. "It could even involve a programmed pattern of stimulation that triggers a movement all across the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed. Just imagine: millions of happy, happy middle-income families. Elective surgery for all!" Wiping a tear from his eye, Fatz continued: "Of course, one could vote Democratic, which might have the same effect."

Aliens overlords are upbeat, expecting economic gains and good buys

With global stock markets continuing to lose ground, terrestrial investors remained concerned today that the current global financial crisis will lead to worldwide recession. Aliens, on the other tentacle, were upbeat. "With their world in ruins, Earth beings will be mired in day-to-day concerns, allowing us the opportunity to raise our standard of living," said one gigantic, balloon-like being from the far side of Jupiter, whose name is expressed as a billowing cloud of gas.

Others felt the economic stars indicated propitious timing for real estate speculation. "Puny candidate Ma-Keen has right idea, feel time is to buy land and tame wild hu-man population," said K'hhh't the Terrible in an interview. "Hu-man food an-mal. More land at low price."

Tourism experts cautioned Earth residents that with Earth currency declining in value, more aliens would select the planet for their next vacation, where they would enjoy increased value for their travelers' checks.

Reached for comment, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush hissed viciously at a member of the press, although mouthpieces ultimately destined to become one with Darkness privately tried to downplay his role in allowing aliens to seize economic advantage from the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed. "With a plan this big, a few things can go wrong," said Sean Hannity of Fox News. "His ultimate transformation is not yet complete, so, sure, there will be a few economic wobbles. We'll end up on top--of this world, or the next."

McCain: Cadillacs to receive upgraded plan

In a wide-ranging but bloodless debate where neither participant humiliated his opponent by ripping out his enemy's beating heart bare-handed, crushing it, then tea-bagging the whimpering victim's soon-to-be-mortal remains while whistling the theme from "The A-Team," presidential candidate John McCain squared off against Acting President Barack Obama Tuesday evening, bringing his best stories about what he learned in life and the essential knowledge and values that young people ought to know and that we as a people must never forget to the fray.

After offering to buy houses at a discounted rate from all inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, McCain sought advantage with automobile-rights voters by announcing that his new health plan would extend to Cadillacs, a core constituency vehicle long sought by both political parties.

The Cadillac healthcare plan would go further than existing "maintenance" and "repair" plans towards "real improvements" in vehicular functionality. Services provided would be offered on a competitive basis, relieving taxpayers of the burden of paying for what he characterized as "a big-government bailout" of sick and elderly cars, who were "paying the price for decades of decadent driving," as well as benefiting his home state of Arizona. Data from the Independent Automotive Care Research Foundations indicate that a Cadillac dealership located in Scottsdale, AZ would likely reap the greatest benefits from the plan, since prices there have remained the lowest within a 1500 mile radius, undercutting even Mexican discount automotive chain "Repair-O," based in Tijuana.

Acting President Obama, meanwhile, declined to address the issue of keeping faith with Cadillac owners, saying only that such a program would be considered, but that other priorities might supersede it, such as battling to reinstate human rulership of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed.