No doubt these are some extraordinarily happy kittens.
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
Meow meow meow meow
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Condemned, Connected Turkey Sends Final Tweet to Followers
Wednesday, Nov. 25--With a fast dip of his head, "TGobblr" pecked the trackpad of his laptop, sending his final tweet to legions of followers via Twitter today.
The poignant message read, in full, "pl8s ahoy gbl".
The Standard Bronze turkey, who began Tweeting in 2008, had received global attention for such tweets as "j89okj" and "8iuuyyyu, uuu uuu," messages interpreted as having communicative, even allegorical meaning, although naysayers suggested he was only pecking keys on the keyboard with symbols that looked like seeds, rocks, or small bits of straw.
Some controversy followed a message in October when he briefly escaped from his feedlot after sending the message "ou7&uwb2" ("Out, and you will be too") with concerns expressed that plans were afoot for a massive turkey rebellion could end the dominance of Big Turkey. It was later determined that the plot was carried out (as was the bird himself) by activists without prior connection to TGobblr.
It is reported that although TGobblr enjoyed life outside the feedlot, upon learning of the plot to use his tweets to end world meat production, TGobblr escaped freedom and returned to his previous home, tweeting "a11fleshe1sgra55e," which to many signified acceptance of his fate.
The poignant message read, in full, "pl8s ahoy gbl".
The Standard Bronze turkey, who began Tweeting in 2008, had received global attention for such tweets as "j89okj" and "8iuuyyyu, uuu uuu," messages interpreted as having communicative, even allegorical meaning, although naysayers suggested he was only pecking keys on the keyboard with symbols that looked like seeds, rocks, or small bits of straw.
Some controversy followed a message in October when he briefly escaped from his feedlot after sending the message "ou7&uwb2" ("Out, and you will be too") with concerns expressed that plans were afoot for a massive turkey rebellion could end the dominance of Big Turkey. It was later determined that the plot was carried out (as was the bird himself) by activists without prior connection to TGobblr.
It is reported that although TGobblr enjoyed life outside the feedlot, upon learning of the plot to use his tweets to end world meat production, TGobblr escaped freedom and returned to his previous home, tweeting "a11fleshe1sgra55e," which to many signified acceptance of his fate.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Burger King searches for new Prime Minister
Nov. 20 -- Burger King’s ruler began sounding out party leaders as the chain restaurant, embroiled in tensions between counter staff and French fryers, seeks a new prime minister following the election of Birdie the Early Bird as Prime Minister of rival McDonaldland.
The 52-year-old monarch, who by decree has no name except "The King" and who faces continuing physical difficulties such as a stiff walk and expressionless face after a massive stroke paralyzed him in 1983, met today at the Royal Palace with Whopper Jr. and Sir Shakes-A-Lot, both rumored to be shortlisted for the position.
The Duke of Doubt, leader of the Burger House of Lords and an outspoken opponent of the King's policies, expressed concern that no suitable candidates would be found.
The new Prime Minister of the Burger Kingdom will face an era of heightened tensions with rival territories McDonaldland and Kentucky after Sneak King was revealed to have engaged in covert foodservice operations in areas claimed by both.
The King, through a spokesman, has recently called for “a new era of dialogue, unity and action,” and has vowed to "root out cholesterol" in a massive anti-childhood atherosclerosis campaign introduced last year.
The 52-year-old monarch, who by decree has no name except "The King" and who faces continuing physical difficulties such as a stiff walk and expressionless face after a massive stroke paralyzed him in 1983, met today at the Royal Palace with Whopper Jr. and Sir Shakes-A-Lot, both rumored to be shortlisted for the position.
The Duke of Doubt, leader of the Burger House of Lords and an outspoken opponent of the King's policies, expressed concern that no suitable candidates would be found.
The new Prime Minister of the Burger Kingdom will face an era of heightened tensions with rival territories McDonaldland and Kentucky after Sneak King was revealed to have engaged in covert foodservice operations in areas claimed by both.
The King, through a spokesman, has recently called for “a new era of dialogue, unity and action,” and has vowed to "root out cholesterol" in a massive anti-childhood atherosclerosis campaign introduced last year.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
For 50th anniversary, Amazon offers Elements of Style, handsomely encased in verbal diarrhea
http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-50th-Anniversary/dp/0205632645
Scrolldownabitforarealtreatintheformofthefirsteditorialreview:atrueclassic.Ordernoworyourgenitalswillfalloff.Ifyoudon'tandtheydodon'tblamemebecauseI'mtellinyanow.
Scrolldownabitforarealtreatintheformofthefirsteditorialreview:atrueclassic.Ordernoworyourgenitalswillfalloff.Ifyoudon'tandtheydodon'tblamemebecauseI'mtellinyanow.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Behind Joe Wilson's outburst: the lesser of two evils
As widely reported, a shouted outburst from US Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) interrupted an address by US President Barack Obama Wednesday night, causing laughter, boos, recriminations, apologies, and acceptances, in a process some likened to Dante's passage through the underworld. Yet according to sources in Wilson's inner circle, the event was more closely linked, not to the necrosphere where George W. Bush was imbued with terrifying life, but to Wilson's undercarriage.
On what some might have termed a dark day for decorum, Wilson actually sacrificed his own dignity as a member of the US Congress in an effort to prevent an even greater embarrassment to the Congress: what the aide called "an effluvium of a gaseous nature."
White House sources privately acknowledged that the story was consistent with what they had heard from Wilson's office in conversations this morning. "Just imagine the uproar that a the kind of thundering 'ripper'--the kind Joe's famous for--would have caused in the hall. He's promised to stay away from the burritos prior to public appearances in the future, and that's good enough for us. We're hoping to work closely with Joe to leaven the healthcare bill with bipartisan ideas."
On what some might have termed a dark day for decorum, Wilson actually sacrificed his own dignity as a member of the US Congress in an effort to prevent an even greater embarrassment to the Congress: what the aide called "an effluvium of a gaseous nature."
White House sources privately acknowledged that the story was consistent with what they had heard from Wilson's office in conversations this morning. "Just imagine the uproar that a the kind of thundering 'ripper'--the kind Joe's famous for--would have caused in the hall. He's promised to stay away from the burritos prior to public appearances in the future, and that's good enough for us. We're hoping to work closely with Joe to leaven the healthcare bill with bipartisan ideas."
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
AT&T spokesman wins doublespeak award for pretending to offer tethering to excited iPhone users
Omaha, Nebraska--AT&T spokesman Aaron Darling today reportedly received a Spokesman of the Year award from AT&T for his comments to Wired magazine yesterday, in which he managed to convey the impression that AT&T is planning to support tethering with new iPhones announced yesterday. Tethering, which lets a computer user connect to the Internet through the iPhone's Internet connection, and a host of other features were announced today by Apple.
In a stunning use of doublespeak, Darling spoke thusly:
The commendatory certificate reads, in part:
Whereas his statement conveys the impression that tethering and the full suite of iPhone 3G S and iPhone OS 3.0 features (announced today by Apple) will be supported by AT&T, it in fact, accurately delivers the following information:
He continued, "The purpose of AT&T may be, as it were, to hold a mirror up to user expectation; to exact payment for the return of once-removed features as if for new, to deliver the opposite of what's desired, indeed, to generally define the very age and body of our time through 2-year contracts and constant peer pressure."
In a stunning use of doublespeak, Darling spoke thusly:
“We plan to offer a tethering plan, but don’t have an announcement to make at this time. [...] We absolutely will offer MMS on iPhone 3G S and iPhone 3G with 3.0 upgrades in late summer once we complete some system upgrades that will ensure our customers have the best experience with MMS. These upgrades are unrelated to our 3G network.”
The commendatory certificate reads, in part:
Whereas his statement conveys the impression that tethering and the full suite of iPhone 3G S and iPhone OS 3.0 features (announced today by Apple) will be supported by AT&T, it in fact, accurately delivers the following information:
- iPhone users will never be allowed to use tethering
- MMS messaging will be offered at a substantial cost to iPhone users before the end of the first fiscal quarter of AT&T's fiscal year 2010, or once system upgrades and customer satisfaction surveys are complete, which could take many years
- Features of the iPhone OS 3.0 will not be supported for the old (previous) model of the iPhone 3G until the first fiscal quarter of AT&T's fiscal year 2010, or once system upgrades and customer satisfaction surveys are complete, which could take many years
- All statements about MMS and iPhone support are subject to change or cancellation
He continued, "The purpose of AT&T may be, as it were, to hold a mirror up to user expectation; to exact payment for the return of once-removed features as if for new, to deliver the opposite of what's desired, indeed, to generally define the very age and body of our time through 2-year contracts and constant peer pressure."
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Researchers announce lab mice are now 100% free of all diseases
Researchers at the University of Southern California today announced that, according to lists of diseases published by the American Rodent Association, "viable cures" had been found for all diseases affecting white laboratory mice.
Although many of the diseases were first inflicted upon mice by human researchers seeking to understand human diseases, analogous cures for humans remain elusive.
Mouse advocate Gerry Hanford of Leeds, UK noted,"The community of mouse advocates welcomes this news with open arms. Mice are now well equipped to enter the new century of pandemic, superpowered, human pathogens, and emerge as the new dominant species on the planet."
Although many of the diseases were first inflicted upon mice by human researchers seeking to understand human diseases, analogous cures for humans remain elusive.
Mouse advocate Gerry Hanford of Leeds, UK noted,"The community of mouse advocates welcomes this news with open arms. Mice are now well equipped to enter the new century of pandemic, superpowered, human pathogens, and emerge as the new dominant species on the planet."
Friday, March 27, 2009
Banks evacuated as losses rise
WELLS FARGO, N.A. — Along the spreadsheets of the corporate finance desk, red ink surpassed its highest level in history Friday morning, forcing the emergency evacuation of two bank branches before dawn and leading banking leaders here, once cheerfully upbeat, to sound far more dire.
“We do not want to give up yet,” CEO Tanis Walker of Wells Fargo said late Thursday night after receiving yet another piece of gruesome news. Forecasters now believe the red ink will go right on rising, and by Saturday overtake the record set here more than a century ago by $1.00 or even more, much higher than anyone here had earlier believed possible.
“We want to go down swinging — if we go down,” the CEO said, as he urged his underlings to summon the money to build the hedge funds that protect them from having to write off yet another summer house on Lake Como, Italy, by Friday night.
“I’m going to be devastated if we lose,” said Mr. Walker, who had, only a few days ago, expressed optimism, even certainty, that Wells Fargo, a bank with 90,000 employees, would be fine.
By Friday morning, some departments here had transferred employees to other facilities miles away, and HR had shuffled employees to affiliate banks in the hopes of staying on high ground. Major hallways were closed to foot traffic, to allow mail carts carrying more loads of printouts to reach executives as speedily as possible. And after about 100 people were forced to attempt to return a half-eaten birthday cake mistakenly charged to a corporate account for a refund Thursday afternoon, officials ordered a total stop to employee gatherings.
“This is definitely ground zero right now,” said Patrick Horvemonger, a trader for the financial derivatives desk. “Once you get here, into predictions above the levels we have ever seen before, you’re taking about unbroken ground. Even we don’t know for certain what’s going to happen.”
People here found themselves facing added challenges given the singular dimensions of this flood. Once the red ink crests, it is expected to stain the hallways for many days.
Despite the threat, “We plan to remain incautious, loosely observant and to get in at least 9 holes before drinks at 6 tonight,” said Kelvin Bean, an ombudsman.
“We do not want to give up yet,” CEO Tanis Walker of Wells Fargo said late Thursday night after receiving yet another piece of gruesome news. Forecasters now believe the red ink will go right on rising, and by Saturday overtake the record set here more than a century ago by $1.00 or even more, much higher than anyone here had earlier believed possible.
“We want to go down swinging — if we go down,” the CEO said, as he urged his underlings to summon the money to build the hedge funds that protect them from having to write off yet another summer house on Lake Como, Italy, by Friday night.
“I’m going to be devastated if we lose,” said Mr. Walker, who had, only a few days ago, expressed optimism, even certainty, that Wells Fargo, a bank with 90,000 employees, would be fine.
By Friday morning, some departments here had transferred employees to other facilities miles away, and HR had shuffled employees to affiliate banks in the hopes of staying on high ground. Major hallways were closed to foot traffic, to allow mail carts carrying more loads of printouts to reach executives as speedily as possible. And after about 100 people were forced to attempt to return a half-eaten birthday cake mistakenly charged to a corporate account for a refund Thursday afternoon, officials ordered a total stop to employee gatherings.
“This is definitely ground zero right now,” said Patrick Horvemonger, a trader for the financial derivatives desk. “Once you get here, into predictions above the levels we have ever seen before, you’re taking about unbroken ground. Even we don’t know for certain what’s going to happen.”
People here found themselves facing added challenges given the singular dimensions of this flood. Once the red ink crests, it is expected to stain the hallways for many days.
Despite the threat, “We plan to remain incautious, loosely observant and to get in at least 9 holes before drinks at 6 tonight,” said Kelvin Bean, an ombudsman.
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