Amid fears of an incipient European pandemic of the deadly Avian Flu virus strain H5N1, London tabloids are abuzz with the news that the bird found dead in quarantine (after nearly muscling through the bars of its cage to freedom) was in fact a member of the House of Lords who was returning to England from abroad after mistakenly leaving the country classifed as "cargo."
The Lord, Baronet Sir George James Eric Weskin-Cholmondeley, apparently dozed off during a session of the House of Lords and, due to his diminutive size, was mistaken by cleaning staff that night for a stuffed animal. The supposed stuffed animal was not claimed after several weeks spent sleeping in a lost-and-found bin, then was shipped to Southeast Asia as part of a cargo of charitable donations of toys for victims of the December 2005 tsunami. The toy shipment was turned back by local authorities due to a paperwork snafu, and after another 3 months, Lord Weskin-Cholmondeley and the rest of the shipment found themselves remanded to their British port of origin.
By this time, of course, Lord W-C's identity as a living being had been discovered but his status as a human being had not been envisioned by the crew, due to his wizened, beak-nosed visage and propensity for uttering stock phrases such as "needs me tea 'n' crackers," "give us a snuggle, pretty Polly," and "y'blackguards! sell your rubbish somewhere-at else."
His death was mourned Monday by a sparsely attended memorial service at the port. His body remained held by port officials and the means by which he contracted the deadly flu virus remains unknown.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AL) promises to quit public service; hopes raised that others will follow suit
Senator Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska and a sponsor of the infamous pork project, the "bridge to nowhere," responded Friday to arguments that the program should be sacrificed to prevent Federal deficit increases by promising to quit public service if the bridges were killed. "I don't threaten people; I promise people," said Stevens.
Some in Congress applauded the position. "He's right, it's not a threat, and promises to serve the country's best interests," said Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). "I call for others to follow his lead and quit public service, beginning with President [Ret.] George W. Bush." House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) expressed divergent sentiments, saying, "It's an empty promise: Ted and others quit public service long ago, long before they ran for office."
Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) put his thoughts succinctly: "Take the bridge, Ted. Take it," he quipped.
Some in Congress applauded the position. "He's right, it's not a threat, and promises to serve the country's best interests," said Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). "I call for others to follow his lead and quit public service, beginning with President [Ret.] George W. Bush." House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) expressed divergent sentiments, saying, "It's an empty promise: Ted and others quit public service long ago, long before they ran for office."
Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) put his thoughts succinctly: "Take the bridge, Ted. Take it," he quipped.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
New Video iPod, iMac Offer Faster Rate of Unnoticed Deaths Per Minute
Statistics released by the United Nations World Health Organization (WHO) show that Apple Computer's new video-enabled iPod and webcam-equipped iMac will allow more preventable deaths to be ignored around the world, more quickly than ever before.
In great part due to the immense interest in Apple's products on the part of young people in first-world nations, and their need, once products are purchased, to stay close to electric outlets capable of charging or otherwise powering the devices, all forms of participation in charitable projects are down. The relentlessly empowered and upbeat consciousness instilled by content available for the devices -- primarily music, music video, and US network television -- also steers young people away from voluntarily entering environments with horrifying or depressing characteristics, such as sub-Saharan Africa, where the AIDS infection rate can reach the depressing, even horrifying rate of 38 percent of a country's population, despite comparable rates of jamming to Eminem and 50 Cent by youth. According to UNAids, the implementation of a comprehensive HIV prevention package could avert 29 million (or 63 percent) of the 45 million new infections expected to occur between 2002 and 2010. UNICEF reports that 0.30 USD can provide lifesaving antibiotics for a child suffering from pneumonia, and 1.00 USD immunizes a child against the deadly disease measles, while iPods retail for 99.00-499.00 USD. Nearly 11 million children each year – about 30,000 children a day – die before reaching their fifth birthday, mostly from preventable causes.
A Microsoft spokeman, speaking at Ziff-Davis Media's "Digital Life" conference held this weekend in New York City, said that his company's upcoming operating system, Windows Vista, would "break the back of bad-news awareness in ways Apple can only dream of," by being so enjoyable, so extensible, and offering so many options for entertainment, that a person could live their entire lifetime (translating to many generations in high death rate areas) without leaving their console.
Current rates of unharshed Pod-buzzes are at an estimated 35 percent of the North American households and climbing. A US government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that "of course we encourage all forms of innovation, and this kind especially seems all right with me."
Leaders of several prominent nongovernmental charitable organizations called for immediate three-way videoconferences over DSL lines with the dying and misery-stricken to determine the parameters of the situation, and exhorted iPod accessory developers to bring forth a neon-colored solution that would enable digital music fans to instantly render aid at the touch of a click-wheel.
In great part due to the immense interest in Apple's products on the part of young people in first-world nations, and their need, once products are purchased, to stay close to electric outlets capable of charging or otherwise powering the devices, all forms of participation in charitable projects are down. The relentlessly empowered and upbeat consciousness instilled by content available for the devices -- primarily music, music video, and US network television -- also steers young people away from voluntarily entering environments with horrifying or depressing characteristics, such as sub-Saharan Africa, where the AIDS infection rate can reach the depressing, even horrifying rate of 38 percent of a country's population, despite comparable rates of jamming to Eminem and 50 Cent by youth. According to UNAids, the implementation of a comprehensive HIV prevention package could avert 29 million (or 63 percent) of the 45 million new infections expected to occur between 2002 and 2010. UNICEF reports that 0.30 USD can provide lifesaving antibiotics for a child suffering from pneumonia, and 1.00 USD immunizes a child against the deadly disease measles, while iPods retail for 99.00-499.00 USD. Nearly 11 million children each year – about 30,000 children a day – die before reaching their fifth birthday, mostly from preventable causes.
A Microsoft spokeman, speaking at Ziff-Davis Media's "Digital Life" conference held this weekend in New York City, said that his company's upcoming operating system, Windows Vista, would "break the back of bad-news awareness in ways Apple can only dream of," by being so enjoyable, so extensible, and offering so many options for entertainment, that a person could live their entire lifetime (translating to many generations in high death rate areas) without leaving their console.
Current rates of unharshed Pod-buzzes are at an estimated 35 percent of the North American households and climbing. A US government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that "of course we encourage all forms of innovation, and this kind especially seems all right with me."
Leaders of several prominent nongovernmental charitable organizations called for immediate three-way videoconferences over DSL lines with the dying and misery-stricken to determine the parameters of the situation, and exhorted iPod accessory developers to bring forth a neon-colored solution that would enable digital music fans to instantly render aid at the touch of a click-wheel.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Al-Qaeda Statement Rejects "Doom" Review as False
A statement posted on an Internet forum, claiming to be written by Al-Qaeda in Hollywood leader Tariq al-Farsaleh, vehemently denies the possibility that a review of the movie Doom posted on the movie fan site Aint-It-Cool-News was truly written by a fan.
In part, the statement reads: "We utterly reject and condemn teh review as treacherous, false, and planted. It is a blasphemy upon nature, and based upon the self-deceptions and imagination of the trickster Globe Spinners [Universal Studios] and their evil agents."
The review, purportedly written by a person who plays video games, but has never played Doom, gives a qualified, but in the end very positive, response to the movie. It has drawn numerous criticisms from Al-Quaeda in Hollywood sympathizers, who have called for a massive boycott of the film as a response.
Among the deepest criticisms tendered was the (unfounded) rumor that the action of the film did not take place on Mars, unlike its video-game source. Recent press has led "hard" science-fiction adherents to embrace the recent film Serenity, and to complain that Doom's plot also does not involve a trip to a recognizably Judeo-Christian/Muslim version of Hell, as does the video game.
Other sources have called the film "Uwe Boll's best videogame adaptation yet" and "by far the worst movie I have seen in the last few years." The previous movie acclaimed as "worst" was the 2000 film Dungeons & Dragons, which Al-Qaeda in Hollywood cited as an incitement to topple the Hollywood studio system in a 2002 chatroom posting.
In part, the statement reads: "We utterly reject and condemn teh review as treacherous, false, and planted. It is a blasphemy upon nature, and based upon the self-deceptions and imagination of the trickster Globe Spinners [Universal Studios] and their evil agents."
The review, purportedly written by a person who plays video games, but has never played Doom, gives a qualified, but in the end very positive, response to the movie. It has drawn numerous criticisms from Al-Quaeda in Hollywood sympathizers, who have called for a massive boycott of the film as a response.
Among the deepest criticisms tendered was the (unfounded) rumor that the action of the film did not take place on Mars, unlike its video-game source. Recent press has led "hard" science-fiction adherents to embrace the recent film Serenity, and to complain that Doom's plot also does not involve a trip to a recognizably Judeo-Christian/Muslim version of Hell, as does the video game.
Other sources have called the film "Uwe Boll's best videogame adaptation yet" and "by far the worst movie I have seen in the last few years." The previous movie acclaimed as "worst" was the 2000 film Dungeons & Dragons, which Al-Qaeda in Hollywood cited as an incitement to topple the Hollywood studio system in a 2002 chatroom posting.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Greenspan Rises From Dead, Speeds Away in Coffin
According to defender of truth, justice, and the American Way (shortened to "AmWay" for the hip-hop generation) The New York Post, US Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Alan Greenspan (1926-2005, 2005-) who was killed and partially eaten in late August, has risen from the dead to win a 2006 Porsche Boxter convertible at a charity auction.
After a month in the grave, Greenspan emerged smiling and cheerful to take a phone call from auctioneers. When he found he had won the car he gave a quiet "thumbs-up," and hugged his wife, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell, all the while beaming with the rational exuberance of the grateful, privileged dead.
Although he has not driven a car since 1987, Greenspan is one of the few Americans who can afford to fuel an internal combustion engine in today's gas market. Mitchell, however, expressed misgivings about allowing her recently returned husband to drive the car, which is capable of speeds of over 120 miles per hour. "My mom used to call convertibles 'open-air coffins,' and I don't want to lose him again so soon," Mitchell said in an interview.
It is unclear whether Greenspan has fully returned to life or remains dead, but animated. Banking industry sources report that he emits an offensive odor from time to time, but suggest that the smell may simply be the miasma of Bush Administration economic policy, which can be detected across the North American landmass.
After a month in the grave, Greenspan emerged smiling and cheerful to take a phone call from auctioneers. When he found he had won the car he gave a quiet "thumbs-up," and hugged his wife, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell, all the while beaming with the rational exuberance of the grateful, privileged dead.
Although he has not driven a car since 1987, Greenspan is one of the few Americans who can afford to fuel an internal combustion engine in today's gas market. Mitchell, however, expressed misgivings about allowing her recently returned husband to drive the car, which is capable of speeds of over 120 miles per hour. "My mom used to call convertibles 'open-air coffins,' and I don't want to lose him again so soon," Mitchell said in an interview.
It is unclear whether Greenspan has fully returned to life or remains dead, but animated. Banking industry sources report that he emits an offensive odor from time to time, but suggest that the smell may simply be the miasma of Bush Administration economic policy, which can be detected across the North American landmass.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Evolution Marshals Forces for War on Intelligent Design
Evolution is reportedly amassing forces in preparation for an all-out assault on the so-called "Intelligent Design" theory.
Billions of microscopic Avian Flu virii are being gathered in Asia to unleash havoc on human, avian, and other forms of life. Current plans call for the viral strains to strike the young and healthy, as well as the old and sickly, non-preferentially, causing each species' genome (the spectrum of possible genetic variations within the species) to evolve into another species with its own unique genome, according to a plan known as "punctuated equilibrium."
The viruses are but one component of Evolution's battle plan. Also at work are such events as weather patterns, earthquakes and other tectonic disasters, as well as astral events like the appearance of a comet in the sky which will strike madness and terror into many proponents of an essentially ordered universe, prompting massive suicides, genocides, or increased birth rates due to increased rates of coupling by terrified individuals.
Intelligent Design may preempt such actions or strike back, however, if its followers intentionally seize the reins of destruction. Options being weighed by Intelligent Design include such acts as intentionally releasing deadly microbes and pollutants into the global ecosystem, enacting arbitrary social patterns that purposefully allow certain aspects of their species's genome to thrive while others weaken, detonating a very large nuclear weapon in the earth's core (or a visiting comet) causing the astral body to explode, and the spontaneous generation of new species.
Billions of microscopic Avian Flu virii are being gathered in Asia to unleash havoc on human, avian, and other forms of life. Current plans call for the viral strains to strike the young and healthy, as well as the old and sickly, non-preferentially, causing each species' genome (the spectrum of possible genetic variations within the species) to evolve into another species with its own unique genome, according to a plan known as "punctuated equilibrium."
The viruses are but one component of Evolution's battle plan. Also at work are such events as weather patterns, earthquakes and other tectonic disasters, as well as astral events like the appearance of a comet in the sky which will strike madness and terror into many proponents of an essentially ordered universe, prompting massive suicides, genocides, or increased birth rates due to increased rates of coupling by terrified individuals.
Intelligent Design may preempt such actions or strike back, however, if its followers intentionally seize the reins of destruction. Options being weighed by Intelligent Design include such acts as intentionally releasing deadly microbes and pollutants into the global ecosystem, enacting arbitrary social patterns that purposefully allow certain aspects of their species's genome to thrive while others weaken, detonating a very large nuclear weapon in the earth's core (or a visiting comet) causing the astral body to explode, and the spontaneous generation of new species.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
New Republican Leadership Choices Pondered
Although US Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX) is slated to return to the position of House Majority Leader after being tried for money laundering, rumors indicate some Washington Republicans believe that the time is ripe for a new leader.
Convicted serial bomber Richard Rudolph is among the names frequently mentioned. Rudolph, who bombed Atlanta's Centennial Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics, has stated his intention to run for a national leadership post from prison, and if he wins, would be a strong candidate on moral issues, although his imprisoned status and untested banking skills may lead some to raise logistical questions, such as his ability to attend fundraisers regularly.
Other names under consideration include Massachussetts Republican Party Vice Chairman, attorney Lawrence Novak, under investigation for suspicious bank deposits on behalf of a drug dealer client, and former Enron chief Ken Lay, who may provide an assonant replacement. Former HUD Secretary William Bennett, who recently called for the abortion of African-American pregnancies, once considered a shoo-in, should he decide to run for office, enjoys high approval with GOP race-relations opinionmakers but has disappointed anti-abortion activists, who say that all life is precious while in the womb, and that if necessary, non-Anglo-American children should only be allowed to perish after first being born.
The strongest candidate may be GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who has not only exhibited fundraising and opinionmaking skills, but also boasts of connections to organized crime. Abramoff, along with Gambino family bookkeeper Anthony Moscatiello, has been linked to the murder of casino owner Konstantinos "Gus" Boulis in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2001, who had reportedly feuded with an Abramoff business. "If Abramoff is convicted," reported Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, "he'll be rolling in political capital. You can't buy that."
Convicted serial bomber Richard Rudolph is among the names frequently mentioned. Rudolph, who bombed Atlanta's Centennial Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics, has stated his intention to run for a national leadership post from prison, and if he wins, would be a strong candidate on moral issues, although his imprisoned status and untested banking skills may lead some to raise logistical questions, such as his ability to attend fundraisers regularly.
Other names under consideration include Massachussetts Republican Party Vice Chairman, attorney Lawrence Novak, under investigation for suspicious bank deposits on behalf of a drug dealer client, and former Enron chief Ken Lay, who may provide an assonant replacement. Former HUD Secretary William Bennett, who recently called for the abortion of African-American pregnancies, once considered a shoo-in, should he decide to run for office, enjoys high approval with GOP race-relations opinionmakers but has disappointed anti-abortion activists, who say that all life is precious while in the womb, and that if necessary, non-Anglo-American children should only be allowed to perish after first being born.
The strongest candidate may be GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who has not only exhibited fundraising and opinionmaking skills, but also boasts of connections to organized crime. Abramoff, along with Gambino family bookkeeper Anthony Moscatiello, has been linked to the murder of casino owner Konstantinos "Gus" Boulis in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2001, who had reportedly feuded with an Abramoff business. "If Abramoff is convicted," reported Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, "he'll be rolling in political capital. You can't buy that."
Bush to Citizens: If Avian Flu Hits, We Will Bury You
US President George W. Bush (Ret.), speaking at a rare press conference Tuesday, discussed US plans for dealing with a potential avian flu outbreak. "Plans are in place," he stated, "to immediately provide vaccinations and anti-flu medications to the most important members of the Republican Party."
Bush added that US military forces were being retrained in use of entrenching tools to dig mass graves while simultaneously defending themselves from "diseased, zombie-like hordes" of civilians seeking food and medicine. All military personnel will receive printed materials reminding them of the "Kill the head, kill the zombie" rule and firing ranges are being kept open for extended hours to allow them to practice their shooting.
He also urged citizens to avoid risk of contracting avian flu by not speaking to or otherwise coming into contact with live, dead, or cooked birds, especially chicken, geese, and parrots, that appear diseased or dirty, and quarantining any suspected walking dead.
Bush added that US military forces were being retrained in use of entrenching tools to dig mass graves while simultaneously defending themselves from "diseased, zombie-like hordes" of civilians seeking food and medicine. All military personnel will receive printed materials reminding them of the "Kill the head, kill the zombie" rule and firing ranges are being kept open for extended hours to allow them to practice their shooting.
He also urged citizens to avoid risk of contracting avian flu by not speaking to or otherwise coming into contact with live, dead, or cooked birds, especially chicken, geese, and parrots, that appear diseased or dirty, and quarantining any suspected walking dead.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Halliburton Draft Will Leave Banking Industry High and Dry
In an effort to stem the massive flood of black ink expected from its US Gulf Coast cleanup efforts, contractor Halliburton issued an emergency call to its military wing in Washington, DC to draft all able-bodied investment bankers, stock analysts, accountants, and contract lawyers available.
Banking industry spokesman Edward Teffte III said the draft will bleed banks dry of necessary talent. "Where once innovative incentive programs existed will come a clamor of disgruntled customers seeking increased rates of return; in place of foreclosures we will see pillars of files on uncollected defaulted loans; instead of profits, we will know penury," Teffte said in a statement that brought tears to the eyes of many trophy wives at the International Banking Association's $10,000-per-plate dinner in Davis, Ohio, where he spoke. Officials at JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs did not return phone calls for comment.
The draft is expected to begin in early December, hitting hard during the holiday retail season when money laundering is at its peak.
The White House is expected to fully comply with the measure. Republican Party talking points memos in circulation reportedly contained several bullet points on the subject, with the headline, "What's good for Halliburton is good for America."
Banking industry spokesman Edward Teffte III said the draft will bleed banks dry of necessary talent. "Where once innovative incentive programs existed will come a clamor of disgruntled customers seeking increased rates of return; in place of foreclosures we will see pillars of files on uncollected defaulted loans; instead of profits, we will know penury," Teffte said in a statement that brought tears to the eyes of many trophy wives at the International Banking Association's $10,000-per-plate dinner in Davis, Ohio, where he spoke. Officials at JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs did not return phone calls for comment.
The draft is expected to begin in early December, hitting hard during the holiday retail season when money laundering is at its peak.
The White House is expected to fully comply with the measure. Republican Party talking points memos in circulation reportedly contained several bullet points on the subject, with the headline, "What's good for Halliburton is good for America."
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