In an effort to stem the massive flood of black ink expected from its US Gulf Coast cleanup efforts, contractor Halliburton issued an emergency call to its military wing in Washington, DC to draft all able-bodied investment bankers, stock analysts, accountants, and contract lawyers available.
Banking industry spokesman Edward Teffte III said the draft will bleed banks dry of necessary talent. "Where once innovative incentive programs existed will come a clamor of disgruntled customers seeking increased rates of return; in place of foreclosures we will see pillars of files on uncollected defaulted loans; instead of profits, we will know penury," Teffte said in a statement that brought tears to the eyes of many trophy wives at the International Banking Association's $10,000-per-plate dinner in Davis, Ohio, where he spoke. Officials at JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs did not return phone calls for comment.
The draft is expected to begin in early December, hitting hard during the holiday retail season when money laundering is at its peak.
The White House is expected to fully comply with the measure. Republican Party talking points memos in circulation reportedly contained several bullet points on the subject, with the headline, "What's good for Halliburton is good for America."
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