Greenspan Rises From Dead, Speeds Away in Coffin

According to defender of truth, justice, and the American Way (shortened to "AmWay" for the hip-hop generation) The New York Post, US Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Alan Greenspan (1926-2005, 2005-) who was killed and partially eaten in late August, has risen from the dead to win a 2006 Porsche Boxter convertible at a charity auction.

After a month in the grave, Greenspan emerged smiling and cheerful to take a phone call from auctioneers. When he found he had won the car he gave a quiet "thumbs-up," and hugged his wife, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell, all the while beaming with the rational exuberance of the grateful, privileged dead.

Although he has not driven a car since 1987, Greenspan is one of the few Americans who can afford to fuel an internal combustion engine in today's gas market. Mitchell, however, expressed misgivings about allowing her recently returned husband to drive the car, which is capable of speeds of over 120 miles per hour. "My mom used to call convertibles 'open-air coffins,' and I don't want to lose him again so soon," Mitchell said in an interview.

It is unclear whether Greenspan has fully returned to life or remains dead, but animated. Banking industry sources report that he emits an offensive odor from time to time, but suggest that the smell may simply be the miasma of Bush Administration economic policy, which can be detected across the North American landmass.