Aliens overlords are upbeat, expecting economic gains and good buys

With global stock markets continuing to lose ground, terrestrial investors remained concerned today that the current global financial crisis will lead to worldwide recession. Aliens, on the other tentacle, were upbeat. "With their world in ruins, Earth beings will be mired in day-to-day concerns, allowing us the opportunity to raise our standard of living," said one gigantic, balloon-like being from the far side of Jupiter, whose name is expressed as a billowing cloud of gas.

Others felt the economic stars indicated propitious timing for real estate speculation. "Puny candidate Ma-Keen has right idea, feel time is to buy land and tame wild hu-man population," said K'hhh't the Terrible in an interview. "Hu-man food an-mal. More land at low price."

Tourism experts cautioned Earth residents that with Earth currency declining in value, more aliens would select the planet for their next vacation, where they would enjoy increased value for their travelers' checks.

Reached for comment, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.) George W. Bush hissed viciously at a member of the press, although mouthpieces ultimately destined to become one with Darkness privately tried to downplay his role in allowing aliens to seize economic advantage from the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed. "With a plan this big, a few things can go wrong," said Sean Hannity of Fox News. "His ultimate transformation is not yet complete, so, sure, there will be a few economic wobbles. We'll end up on top--of this world, or the next."

McCain: Cadillacs to receive upgraded plan

In a wide-ranging but bloodless debate where neither participant humiliated his opponent by ripping out his enemy's beating heart bare-handed, crushing it, then tea-bagging the whimpering victim's soon-to-be-mortal remains while whistling the theme from "The A-Team," presidential candidate John McCain squared off against Acting President Barack Obama Tuesday evening, bringing his best stories about what he learned in life and the essential knowledge and values that young people ought to know and that we as a people must never forget to the fray.

After offering to buy houses at a discounted rate from all inhabitants of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, McCain sought advantage with automobile-rights voters by announcing that his new health plan would extend to Cadillacs, a core constituency vehicle long sought by both political parties.

The Cadillac healthcare plan would go further than existing "maintenance" and "repair" plans towards "real improvements" in vehicular functionality. Services provided would be offered on a competitive basis, relieving taxpayers of the burden of paying for what he characterized as "a big-government bailout" of sick and elderly cars, who were "paying the price for decades of decadent driving," as well as benefiting his home state of Arizona. Data from the Independent Automotive Care Research Foundations indicate that a Cadillac dealership located in Scottsdale, AZ would likely reap the greatest benefits from the plan, since prices there have remained the lowest within a 1500 mile radius, undercutting even Mexican discount automotive chain "Repair-O," based in Tijuana.

Acting President Obama, meanwhile, declined to address the issue of keeping faith with Cadillac owners, saying only that such a program would be considered, but that other priorities might supersede it, such as battling to reinstate human rulership of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed.

Trickle-down economics FTW: "Mohahahaha!" say bankers

As the Dow Jones industrial average embarked on a journey back in time to the beginning of the 1990s, Bank of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed began to assimilate Merrill Lynch and the Lehman Brothers fiscal outlook joined its moral and ethical status in bankruptcy, trickle-down economists were jubilant. "This provides elegant proof that when markets are left alone, and low-income families pay the majority of taxes, prices for essential items such as financial sector stocks will be charred to a crip and consumed, like the flesh of your typical virgin sacrifice," said former McCain economic advisor Phil Gramm. His eyes glowed bright red for a moment thereafter in an apparent sign of an unquenchable thirst for the blood all that is pure and clean in this world.

In Washington, President (Ret.) George W. Bush met with President John Kufour of Ghana, where he had a light snack and watched a telecast of a Houston City Council softball game as underlings showcased the spectacular success of short-term economics. Mr. Bush looked up at one point and stated, "That's some serious mud," in an apparent nonsequitur reference to Republican Presidential candidate Sarah Palin's mastery of international policy.

As the benefits of trickle-down economics continued to reveal themselves, Wall Street tried to adjust to such unexpected windfalls. Thousands of already wealthy bankers were expected to receive massive severance packages and embark on spending sprees as a result. One group that seemed relatively safe from such distractions were those deemed inessential to the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed, such as anyone earning less than $200,000 per year or those who had yet to purchase their fifth house using profits from real estate investments. The excessive funds were expected to immediately be used to fund the ever-escalating prices of boats, cigars, rooms contructed with roofs and walls, and alcoholic beverages created before the dawn of mankind.

“There’s an embrace of the unknown,” said one such banker. “For the unknown creates fear, and fear is the path to my financial security.”

Within a few minutes, he offered interlocutors a celebratory nip from a bottle of 2 billion-year-old Scotch, noting, "It's prehistorically peaty."