Bolton's Achilles Heel Causes Some Opponents to Reconsider

Although new US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton may have squeaked into an appointment through a back-door-ish "recess appointment," his bullying personality is not expected to have much of an effect on matters at the United Nations. Diplomats and political foes have learned of a deep-rooted vulnerability: he's terrified of mice, and will do anything to avoid them.

Bolton, who once famously consumed an entire cheese wheel at a Washington, DC hotel, is said by a former aide to "scream like a little girl" when faced with the furry rodents. "Any rustling along the floor, any scraps of paper that might indicate a nest, he's home for the day and calls in the exterminators," said the aide. "Thieves, he calls them." Bolton was also described as leery of shredders, termed "mousebeds." The diplomatic corps of the United Nations, who can be quick to exploit the personal vulnerabilities of individual representatives, are expected to seize quickly upon tactics that will reduce the mustachioed megalomaniac to blubbery putty.

Bolton's opponents in the US Senate took the stand that this is another example of his lack of fitness for the position, although they privately expressed amusement at the thought of Bolton on tiptoe atop his desk, shrieking at the top of his lungs.

In a related story, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan had no comment on the issue of infestation and extermination programs, which was again raised by the US in a recent Security Council meeting. All members of the Council, aside from the US, vetoed sending a resolution titled "Increase Pest Control Measures for UN Office Buildings" to the General Assembly for a larger vote in June 2005.