Burger King searches for new Prime Minister

Nov. 20 -- Burger King’s ruler began sounding out party leaders as the chain restaurant, embroiled in tensions between counter staff and French fryers, seeks a new prime minister following the election of Birdie the Early Bird as Prime Minister of rival McDonaldland.

The 52-year-old monarch, who by decree has no name except "The King" and who faces continuing physical difficulties such as a stiff walk and expressionless face after a massive stroke paralyzed him in 1983, met today at the Royal Palace with Whopper Jr. and Sir Shakes-A-Lot, both rumored to be shortlisted for the position.

The Duke of Doubt, leader of the Burger House of Lords and an outspoken opponent of the King's policies, expressed concern that no suitable candidates would be found.

The new Prime Minister of the Burger Kingdom will face an era of heightened tensions with rival territories McDonaldland and Kentucky after Sneak King was revealed to have engaged in covert foodservice operations in areas claimed by both.

The King, through a spokesman, has recently called for “a new era of dialogue, unity and action,” and has vowed to "root out cholesterol" in a massive anti-childhood atherosclerosis campaign introduced last year.

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Behind Joe Wilson's outburst: the lesser of two evils

As widely reported, a shouted outburst from US Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) interrupted an address by US President Barack Obama Wednesday night, causing laughter, boos, recriminations, apologies, and acceptances, in a process some likened to Dante's passage through the underworld. Yet according to sources in Wilson's inner circle, the event was more closely linked, not to the necrosphere where George W. Bush was imbued with terrifying life, but to Wilson's undercarriage.

On what some might have termed a dark day for decorum, Wilson actually sacrificed his own dignity as a member of the US Congress in an effort to prevent an even greater embarrassment to the Congress: what the aide called "an effluvium of a gaseous nature."

White House sources privately acknowledged that the story was consistent with what they had heard from Wilson's office in conversations this morning. "Just imagine the uproar that a the kind of thundering 'ripper'--the kind Joe's famous for--would have caused in the hall. He's promised to stay away from the burritos prior to public appearances in the future, and that's good enough for us. We're hoping to work closely with Joe to leaven the healthcare bill with bipartisan ideas."