Victory Strategy Held Up As Triumph

US President George W. Bush (Ret.) formally unveiled the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq," 2 years after the war was declared over.

The book begins by defining "victory" and declaring "victory in Iraq is a vital U.S. interest." Strategy is discussed in detail in the text, which concludes with a discussion of eight "Strategic Pillars" of policy and conditions for "victory."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the work as a "triumph of the printer's art," saying "this would have been an excellent resource to have" in March 2003, when the war began. "Unfortunately," he added, "one sometimes has to go to war with the book one has," referring to the bestseller "Creeping Flesh: The Horror Fantasy Film Book, Volume 1," (published February 2003) which was his reading material at the time. He did concede that he had been privy to early drafts of some sections as recently as last year.

The publication of the document was timed by its publishers, the Government Printing Office, to coincide with a rerelease of the "National Strategy for Victory in Viet Nam" (originally published 1985) and the "National Strategy for Recovery from the Unfortunate Events of October 19, 1929," (originally published 1944).

Attacks on Critics Are Misdirection to Hide True Crisis: Cheney Can't Close His Mouth

Top US government officials admitted today that they are facing a real crisis. It is not a problem of lack of popular support or political direction but lies instead in a medical mystery: US Vice President Richard M. Cheney has been unable to close his mouth for three weeks, and doctors are stymied as to the cause.

Cheney's condition is thought to be a side effect of involuntary muscular contractions which over his lifetime have made his head constantly skew more to the right while his mouth grimaced to the left, a tendency Cheney's doctors had believed to be benign, and which sometimes worked to his advantage. Many political opponents say they found the contortions "scary" in close encounters, making Cheney a formidable debator. Sources now say that over the course of 2005, Cheney had experienced more and more difficulty closing his mouth, until finally on October 16th he found that he was entirely unable to bring his jaws together closer than an inch and a half.

The condition does not prevent Cheney from closing his lips or speaking, but aides and associates, including US President (Ret.) George W. Bush, are said to be "intensely concerned" for his health. He must now drink gallons of water through straws to prevent dehydration and there are numerous other complications. One aide recounted that he had suggested a mesh screen be put in place some weeks ago to counter the risk of small flying insects accidentally making their way into Cheney's mouth, which had happened several times during the fall, but the idea was shot down by Cheney's assistant, "Scooter" Libby. A medical team from Bethesda Naval Hospital is said to be working around the clock on finding a viable cure.

Due to the potential questions about Cheney's fitness for office with such a debilitating condition, aides had been told to keep it quiet at all costs, hence the increasing volume of attacks on critics. "Still," said one source, "the evidence is staring us all in the face."

Cheney's office did not return calls for comment.

(Photo: Reuters)

MPAA, RIAA, Sony Negotiating With Hospitals to Install Copy Protection Software in Newborns

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), and Sony are reportedly in talks to improve copyright protection worldwide with the aid of major hospitals.

A cocktail of customized viruses administered to newborns will implant -- it is hoped -- neural pathways that will make it impossible for people to view unlicensed content, and that will erase within 90 minutes all memory of what was viewed or heard, aside from brief "samples" and the opinion that the piece was enjoyable and should be seen again as soon as possible.

The innovation comes just in time to save the floundering recording and motion picture industries, say analysts. Despite the billion-dollar profits enjoyed by the companies belonging to both associations, salary demands of top executives are expected to outstrip earnings growth by 2010. This transition from a worldwide "marketplace of ideas" to a worldwide "tenement house of ideas rented from content providers" is expected to formally usher in the age of domination by multinational corporations, which has been rosily depicted in numerous dystopic movies in the past several decades.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) and other consumer advocate groups have expressed strong opposition to the practice. A consortium of computer experts and neurologists, in an anonymous full page ad in the Autumn 2005 issue of the magazine 2600 -The Hacker Quarterly, have vowed to crack the brain's programming and "d3f3at thi5 pd1ou5 form of w4r3z prot3ction" in favor of "pwn3d" content.