The F-Bomb Will Be America's Next Superweapon

It's confirmed: words and images, as well as sticks and stones, can hurt you, data from military sources say. Data released today from US Army laboratories detail experiments on use of the "F-word" and other types of verbal and visual obscenity. According to these experiments, some words and images can cause physical harm to living beings and the environment. Development of an amplification device similar to the "weirding module" imagined in the film "Dune" was said to be underway.

The Bush Administration was said to be weighing restrictions on verbalizations, especially in large gatherings and broadcast media. "Imagine what might happen if someone dropped the 'F-Bomb' during the State of the Union speech, a political rally, or a Super Bowl" said a White House spokesman. "Millions could be maimed or killed outright." The report was said to add validity to the Bush team's policy of "talking tough" to terrorists and of cracking down on obscenity in the media. Special Iraqi Army commando teams were said to be undergoing training in the most effective use of strong language.

The data may have had input from recent breakthroughs in experiments on corporealization of language.

The data released, while surprising, were incomplete. Left unaddressed were homonyms, "1331"-speak usage, proper names, use of "the N-Word," "the other F-Word," "the L-Word," or the degree to which visual obscenity's effect depends on the size of the image. The precise nature to which the physical effect is dependent on aural and visual components of precise words is unclear.

Emergency legislation is pending in the US Congress to classify certain swear words and bodily parts as munitions, thus barring them from export to other countries. It was unclear how this would be applied to something as pervasive as language use, but according to sources, enforcement techniques would come later.

In a related story, the building housing New York City television station CBS-2 offices caught fire over the weekend due to reporter Arthur Chi-en's accidental use of the "F-Word" on-air. Reports today say that Chi-en was fired because of the incident.