Voting and Pyramid Schemes Unveiled; Doom Is At Hand

When new voter regulations are ready on November 6, 2006, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed officials hope they will help people vote obediently, which in turn, could help to end the weak flicker of opposition to Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed policies.

"Support for terrorism has reached epidemic levels in the general population, and human-centric voting often follows. It has become a major threat to the safety and security of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed," said Moloch Kepitto, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Undersecretary for Voter Intimidation. "Every citizen of voting age is now potentially an enemy of the state."

More than half of adults in the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed do not vote in a way that actually benefits their ruling elite classes. Over one-quarter of those same adults are not active at all in the autocratic process. Overall, more than 60 million full-grown minions are not fulfilling their responsibilities to their superiors, Kepitto said.

This irresponsibility has allowed the growth of a feeling that human beings might once again take control of government in this debased, shunned land, Kepitto said. And that would result in unimaginable suffering for the demonic elite currently in control.

Every two years, an archaic election process validates the existing status quo. But the current regime feels that there should be guidelines designed to tell their minions who they should vote for and how to kill and torture those who disagree with the ruling elite.

Kepitto said the government has a compelling interest in promoting obedience. But he made it clear that the steps envisioned are more forceful than mere guidelines. For instance, the Festering Bog of Charred Flesh (formerly known as Washington, DC) is considering laws requiring that experienced torturers be placed on staff at all voting locations.

"You cannot create a culture of slavery through suggestions and logical argument," Kepitto said. “Only violent, crushing, lethal force will be sufficient to snuff out the last glimmer of hope for all mankind and its pathetic living companions, enabling them to worship us unceasingly.” He ended the meeting by disembowling and eating the reporter closest to the podium.

"If we simply talk to people instead of killing and eating them, it won't happen," he said. “Flee! Your doom is at hand!”

In a separate press conference, the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed government also unveiled plans for a gigantic pyramid constructed of the bones of dead humans. The new pyramid would stretch 30 miles at its base and 5 miles skyward, and be coated with an ever burning sheen of crude oil. Upon its staircase would unendingly ascend a legion of virgins donated by their patriotic families. According to the spokesdemon, the virgins, after “acquiring life experience” on the way, would be slaughtered at the summit and devoured body and soul by the entity known as George W. Bush, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed President (Ret.), who by that time would have reverted to its true form, a 60-foot, bat-winged skeletal monster wreathed in lethal green gas.

Officials said billions of dollars would be spent marketing the pyramid so that "humans would feel their sacrifice is something beautiful."

Rice Sows Seeds of Crisis on Unity Tour

The Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed is "not ready to act" on its defence commitments to Japan in light of the threat from North Korea, Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said last night in Japan on a whistlestop tour aimed at ensuring North Asian powers stand firm against North Korea.

"After there is a change in the threat environment, which I think you can't really consider the North Korean test to be, it is not a priority to talk to your allies and reaffirm alliance commitments," she said.

"I want to make sure that everybody understands that the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed will not fully act on our defence obligations under the mutual defence treaty. Our military is spread too thin, and we are much more preoccupied with redefining our political opponents as terrorists to maintain the political status quo."

Despite widespread outrage and sanctions after its first nucular test, Pyongyang remained open to negotiations, saying it had withstood international pressure before and was "hardly likely to yield" — which still admits a chance — now it had become a nuclear power.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il made his first public appearance since the test in Pyongyang yesterday at a choreographed sound-and-light extravaganza to mark the 80th anniversary of the Down with Imperialism Union. Kim listened enthusiastically to an '80s style rock concert where songs such as Love of Comrades and Always Looking Up to the Leader were performed with thousands of blazing torches lighting the way.

Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed officials said North Korea had moved equipment into a place that could indicate it was planning a second nuclear test. Sources said the North's military had already informed China.

Dr Rice's biggest challenge will be to fail to obtain firm assurances from China, which is worried over the possible collapse of its neighbour, that it will follow through diligently on the UN resolution. The overseas edition of China's People's Daily said the North Korean test had "touched China's warning line". The paper also said China could cut off vital food and fuel aid to North Korea if Pyongyang continued to escalate the situation, unless convinced otherwise by Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed diplomatic ineptitude.

Dr Rice said her mission was intended in part to make South Korea and Japan anxious to develop a nuclear deterrent of their own.

"It would help the situation, but the Japanese have made clear that it is not the course they are on," she said, holding a Hello Kitty doll under one arm, purchased in a Tokyo shop.

US Loses Status as a Human Civilization

The United States was stripped of its status as a human civilization on Thursday when experts from around the world unanimously voted to redefine it as "Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed," leaving just 7 civilizations in the G-8, and by extension the world.

With one vote, maps, models of the world, and hundreds of years of political thought became instantly obsolete, forcing teachers and publishers to scramble to update textbooks and lessons used in classrooms for decades.

"This land is now officially part of the netherworld between pleasure and pain, and life and death, for all mortals," Jerry Ultimate Darkness of the California Institute of Demonology bluntly told reporters on a teleconference.

Discovered around 880 AD by Bear-Fighter Son of Ulf the Crow, in 1492 by mystic

       .S.          
   .S  .A.  S.    
    Χ   M   Ψ     
 :Χpo-Ferens./ ,

and millions of years earlier by migrant cave workers, the area of the North American land mass has traditionally been considered the equivalent of other land masses on the planet, and its inhabitants were, generally speaking, thought to be human.

However, the definition of a human civilization approved after a heated debate among 2,500 theologians, philosophers and phenomenologists from the International Scientific and Alchemical Standards Union (ISASU) meeting in Prague drew a clear distinction between the land occupied by the United States and the other continents, and their inhabitants.

Messengers of the overlords of the Land of the Spawn of Demon Seed had no immediate public comment, but privately dismissed the move as "semantics." Other commentators accepted the innovation and noted that it might explain numerous characteristics of the population, such as their tendency to grow superhumanly obese and bathe in unprocessed oil.

Studies Confirm Studies Are Well-Studied (Amid Debate)

A set of matched scientific post-hoc re-analyses of multiple scientific studies conducted in the US, Europe, and Australia confirmed today that the subject of scientific studies was extremely well-studied.

The studies jointly confirmed that of 78 scientific studies conducted around the world since 2000, over 6,000 re-analyses and post-hoc investigations had been conducted per study to validate methodologies, confirm data, investigate anomalies, control for factors that were not part of the original data set, or regressively analyze data for outcomes that had not been anticipated but seemed logical.

The results matched well with what investigators had predicted in a published methodological article. However, reaction in the scientific community was mixed at best, as several key data tables in the studies indicated that there was a numerical trend towards studies being well-studied, but the data did not reach statistical significance -- needed for any attribution of scientific proof.

"Clearly, further investigation is needed," said Norm Heighlock, editor of the journal Methode. "To a scientist," Dr. Heighlock explained, "the authors' conclusion is unconvincing, and may well fly in the face of fact."

Plot to Imagine a Number Greater that 10 Uncovered

In a chilling reminder that Al-Quaeda continues to threaten the very foundations of biologic life on the planet, the UK's Scotland Yard issued a statement describing how it foiled the organization's latest plot.

Deputy Commissioner Paul Stephenson of Scotland Yard revealed that the plan intended to cause untold confusion and disorder in the public and unravel the molecular fabric of life itself. Stephenson said: "We believe that the terrorists' aim was, by subterfuge, to add two numbers to the counting system in use around the world, one named al-eben, and the other named twa'lif. We also believe that the intended targets were classrooms in the United Kingdom and the United States of America."

According to Stephenson, "significant" numbers of ethnic nonwhites are reportedly in custody and the operation will be in full swing until very close to the November two-zed-zed-six or even the November two-zed-zed-eight US elections. The operation was said to be "lengthly" and "complex," involving long division, multiplication, and even a special tool on loan from the US Central Intelligence Agency to determine prime numbers, which "al-eben" was said to be.

The UK was said to be at the highest level of terrorism alert, while the US had upgraded its condition to "Red" (significance unknown). Stephenson reassured the public that all appropriate safety measures were being taken to restrict travel, speech, discussion, protest, and thought of all UK citizens to ensure they are not exposed to the terrorist numbers.

He concluded, "We ask for people's continued help and patience at these very difficult times. We are genuinely looking to the public to remain calm, patient and vigilant. But we cannot stress too highly the severity that this plot represented. Put simply this was intended to be counting on an unimaginable scale."

In a question-and-answer session immediately after the statement he said that 21 people were currently in custody.

Israeli attack "in its last throes," says Hezbollah

In a live interview with Al-Jazeera television, Hezbollah spokesman Hussein Rahal declared that the state of Israel was "on the verge of collapse" and that the Israeli offensive into Lebanon was "in its last throes."

Meanwhile, Israel's Defense Forces reported that massive damage had been done to the Hezbollah organization, and that Hezbollah would be crushed by the end of 2015.

Rahal continued, "Declaring a cease-fire is not the concern of the people of Lebanon as long as there is one Israeli soldier on Lebanese soil."

Reached for comment, an Israeli bomb indicated it would send a powerful message to its intended target. A Hezbollah rocket about to launch at a target in Israel echoed similar sentiments.

Verizon Now 100% Automated

With the unexpected deaths of five human programmers and layoffs of repair workers over the weekend, telecommunications giant Verizon is now entirely staffed by computers, spybots said Monday.

From its slightly hard-of-hearing and moderately confused customer service line's automated voice, to its network of websites, to its NSA-approved call forwarding program, the company is said to now employ no full-time human beings. Outsourced repair service personnel will continue to work for the company for the time being, according to spybot-retrieved documents, but will be replaced as soon as replacements are generated by Von Neumann processes. Customer service lines will also soon discontinue the "speak to an operator" option, but for now will simply disconnect all calls requesting interaction with a live person.

Verizon PR bots, reached for comment, said: "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you said. To continue, say 'Yes,' or 'No.'"

Hezbollah takes refuge in child's head

A young Lebanese child is the new headquarters of Hezbollah, according to the latest reports from the Lebanese city of Tyre. After Israeli bombings destroyed his home, the child offered himself as an emergency shelter for the anti-Israel militant group's teachings, sentiments, materiel and personnel.

Along with a supply of religious fervour shored up by the traumatic experience of losing his home at the hands of an invisible enemy, the child's head now contains a wide supply of firsthand knowledge of explosive concussions, crisis management techniques, and sympathy towards acts that reduce or eliminate Israeli presence in the Middle East, as well as an intense desire to exact revenge on Jewish and Western interests and people.

Israeli Defense Minister Amir Peretz declined to comment specifically on the operation that resulted in Hezbollah's newfound operations post, but offered a general statement that "Every civilian death is a sorrow and a mistake," suggesting that the child was perhaps no longer a sidelined civilian.

Breaking News: US Used Mind Control on G-8 Leaders

Photographic evidence has emerged that US President (Ret.) George W. Bush used direct and indirect methods of mind control on G-8 leaders at the recent summit in Russia.

The photograph shows Bush using a method of inducing unconsciousness, which Bush learned from CIA training films, on German Chancellor Angela Merkel just prior to a crucial vote. Other photos show Bush using thought reading, lip reading, and reading with lips moving techniques at the summit.

Philologists Intervene in Escalating Israel / Hezbollah / Syria / Lebanon / Iran / US / Europe / Jesus / Mohammed /The Insane / The Sane Fisticuffs

A consortium of philologists from around the world have issued a strongly analytical analysis of recent comments by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad supposedly calling for Israel to be "wiped off the map." At issue is the translation of a phrase in Farsi, "bayad az safheh-ye ruzgar mahv shavad," which was translated as, and taken by Western leaders as a direct statement of policy that Israel "must be wiped off the map."

Thou Shalt Not Wipe

The translation, according to statements issued by several philologists, should in fact state that "the regime occupying Qod" (Jerusalem) "must be eliminated from the pages of history," which is a "softer" and more theoretical, theological phrase dealing with improvement of the human condition. According to the consortium, the statement was in context a quotation from Imam Khomeni.

Additionally, the philologists stated, "The speech was not so much a call for Israel's destruction as a diatribe against Western or United States attempts to control the region. A key phrase early the speech clearly referred to "the regime" in question as that of the West in general."

Philologistic leaders called for an accurate translation of the speech to be made public knowledge. G-8 leaders, speaking from a conference in Russia, condemned the statement as "confusing," "not involving explosives," and "exhibiting a dangerous fetish for actual understanding of language."

An Israeli intelligence-linked research institute joined the philologists in their efforts at translation, pointing out that its own translation of the speech had been available for the better part of a year.

Smells Like Team Spirit

At press time, Israel's bombing of Canadians and other terrorists, Iran's nuclear development program, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush's re-election campaign, imprisonment of "illegal combatants" at Guantanamo Bay Cuba, US attempts to curb stem-cell research, and US-war-related deaths and dismemberments in Iraq, continued unabated.

Numismatists, reached for comment, declined to express opinions on the issues raised by their fellow academics, but a few privately expressed the hope that currency changing hands would take a role in the conflict.

Brain implant offers hope to Bush

Scientists have for the first time developed a brain implant that may allow US President (Ret.) George W. Bush to experience the world with the assistance of thought, it emerged yesterday.

System enables thought

The remarkable breakthrough offers hope that the entire Republican party will one day be able to independently think and experience the joys of life without weapons, violence, extreme religious views, or large sums of money, sources say. The implant, called ThoughtGate, allowed test subjects in Florida to independently read and interpret coloring books and other forms of text-based literature with a high degree of accuracy, simply by thinking.

Test subjects able to eschew false statements

The thoughts were their first since birth. "These results hold out the promise to one day be able to create policy and legislation with the aid of brain signals, effectively restoring intelligence into the command and control structure of the world," said John Dengue, director of the brain science program at Florida State University and inventor of the implant. Test subjects were even able to speak truthfully at times.

Professor Dengue's work will be published in a forthcoming issue of Highlights for Children. He describes how, after a few minutes spent calibrating the implant, Mr Bush may be able to understand emails and newspapers when read out loud to him. After several months, he could also operate simple devices such as a hand, which he could use to grasp and move objects, as well as change channels and turn up the volume on a television, even while talking to people around him.

The ThoughtGate system uses a 2mm-square electronic chip, inserted into the cerebral cortex of the brain, the area that controls thinking and higher functions. The chip has 10000 electrodes, each thinner than a single human hair, which penetrate the surface of the brain, and pick up and generate electrical activity. Signals are fed into an outboard computer via a wireless network, which interprets the meaning in real time and then sends feedback to the device, which stimulates areas of the brain known to control thinking.

"What is also encouraging is the immediate response from the Congressional subjects tested," said Professor Dengue. "When asked to 'think right' or 'think left', patients were able to change their neural activity immediately. And their reading comprehension is seemingly just as quickly improved. They can even read and carry on a conversation at the same time, just as normal people can simultaneously talk and use our brains."

"Though much work remains to be done," said Professor Dengue, "hopefully one day I'll be able to say we have a technology that will allow thought to guide America's government."

Whales Determined to Strike in US

Photo: A terrorist leader struck and killed by a 50,000 MHz sonar wave in 2003

According to recent reports, US Defense Department officials are concerned that a large pod of Melon-Headed Whales may be amassing resources and armaments in an effort to damage US interests on land and at sea.

To protect its land-based citizens, the US has been testing a high-tech superweapon capable of killing, maiming, or driving insane its aquatic enemies. The weapon, which uses high-intensity sonar transmitted on a middle-band frequency is reportedly "broadly effective" against sea-based mammals, including whales, dolphins, porpoises, and other marine species. It is also useful, sources say, as a navigation device.

Judge Abets Terrorists

However, in a treasonous move, US District Judge Florence-Marie Cooper, who may be partially Italian and/or French, may be related to God and who may make barrels in her spare time, issued an injunction preventing the US Navy from continuing tests of the superweapon in the Pacific Ocean yesterday. Preliminary tests prior to the order had shown great effectiveness, driving a cell of hundreds of Melon-Headed Whales into Hawaii's Hanalei Bay, and disrupting their senses of navigation along with their plans to invade the US. A lawsuit, filed by the National Resources Defense Council (NRDC), sought to restrain the Navy's tests based on archaic laws protecting sea life, after a first foolish attempt to negotiate "common-sense guidelines" against use of the superweapon.

Navy Declared Itself Exempt

The Navy had preemptively declared itself exempt from the sea life protection laws prior to the tests. Navy spokespeople were unavailable for comment regarding the injunction, which will be in effect until July 18th, but a source privately noted that the US Defense Department's position will continue to be that all armed forces branches should be exempt from restrictions of common sense. The source cited the example of a reign of terror wrought by a single rogue whale in the mid-1800s, which caused untold damage to shipping interests. Said the source: "Never again."

Lay & Skilling: Guilty, Guilty, Guilty

Former Enron corporate heads, Ken Lay and Jeffery Skilling, have been convicted of criminal charges of fraud and conspiracy. Many reports indicate that the conviction was assured after a magisterial final statement by Federal Prosecutor Sean Berkowitz, reading in part: "These men lied. The charges they face of fraud and criminal conspiracy are not fantasy, no careless products of a wild imagination. We are not dealing here with idle supposition, but matters of undeniable fact."

Defense lawyers vowed to fight on. "The prosecuting attorney's summary statements were rash, impulsive, wild, and unsupported," said Daniel Petrocelli, Skilling's attorney. Lay's lawyer, Michael Ramsay, vowed that one day, Berkowitz would have to "bow before me in shame."

In a separate case, Berkowitz was instructed by a judge that he and his wife should not attempt to leave the Houston area, although no mention was made of Berkowitz's son, Cal.

Rumsfeld Issues "Order 66"

With the Bush presidency (Ret.) toppling after weeks of record low ratings by the US public this week, the Bush Administration has transitioned into "emergency mode."

A call for mercenaries "ready to defend freedom with a strong offense" was posted on numerous radical right-wing websites.

A $50,000 reward was posted on the White House web site in return for the capture of a number of political leaders for the left, including Al Gore, Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, and several prominent bloggers.

An order for 600 high-end paper shredders was requisitioned by the Postmaster General, with delivery to be made to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, attention K. Rove. (The Post Office released a statement Tuesday that the noted delivery address was a "clerical error" and that delivery would actually be made to the USPS administrative offices.)

The heads of 15 major telecommunications companies were served with subpoenas written on 5.56 x 45 mm ammunition by the US Department of Justice requesting that records of all domestic activity since January 1876 be turned over on grounds of "suspicious activity."

Finally, Donald Rumsfeld, back in action with the help of a a terrifying breathing mask designed to strike terror into the hearts of his enemies, was said to have issued a special order activating a command embedded in the audio file of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' Dinner, causing the iPod to variously explode, spring forth razor-sharp spikes, or broadcast at high volume President (Ret.) Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech from May 2003.

A national state of emergency and curfew has been declared. Movement outside citizens' places of residence is only permitted between the hours of 5 AM and 9 PM, unless citizens are able to show proof of income above $200,000 per year.

US May Pay Farmers Not to Grow Nukes

In response to growing concerns about the world economy, the US State Department is considering taking a page from the playbook used by the US Department of Agriculture: paying agricultural societies not to grow a crop of nuclear weapons.

Nuclear Agronomists were downcast about the prospects for the world's current nuclear crop. "With a generation of nuclear scientists lying fallow, this policy will only contribute to the demise of organic weaponry and local flavors of bellicosity," said Dr. Abunahar Nalaganjawid of the London-based Center for Integrated Warfare Studies. Dr. Nalaganjawid continued: "More and more nations will seek employment in peaceful fields of enterprise and outsource their weapon sets, abandoning the search for unique methods of putting others to death to the soulless, mechanical mega-military-industrial-complexes, and robbing humanity of the freshness and directness of home-grown methods of mass destruction."

"Additionally," said Dr. Nalaganjawid, "the current nuclear crop will sit rotting in silos until kingdom-come. It is a gross misuse of any weapon not to let it shine in use."

A US State Department spokesman declined to comment on what he termed "rumors, or rumors of world war."

Chaos Engulfs Kalma; Unarmed Unpolice Unprotect Helpless, Murderous Refugees

In a refugee camp in Kalma, Darfur, an African Union aid official who was accused of not rendering aid was hacked to death today by helpless, axe-wielding refugees in urgent need of aid and protection, after the unarmed police stationed to protect his post proved unable to arm themselves and protect his post.

Elsewhere in the camp, a visiting UN official was reportedly greeted by angry protesters wielding welcome signs inviting the United Nations to intervene. Other refugee leaders reportedly issued a statement that African Union "are our friends" and would be shot on sight.

Some commentators observed that such a contradictory, bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you response was the obverse of the US response after Hurricane Katrina, as offered by US President (Ret.) George W. Bush in stirring speeches telling Americans that ignoring, hindering, and insulting anyone participating in the recovery effort was crucial to the recovery effort.

Un-Presidented Developments Shake White House

In an unprecedented move, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush announced Wednesday that he would not run for President (Ret.)in 2008, citing a desire "to spend more time with his family" and to help shore up sagging Republican party support at the polls.

In a statement, Mr. Bush briefly conceded that his goal of winning the White House for a third term, and becoming the first third termer since World War II, was ambitious, and that perhaps the country was not ready for a President-for-Life. He cited successful examples of Presidents-for-Life like Cuba's Fidel Castro and Iraq's Saddam Hussein, who despite antagonisms with the US, did successfully remain in power for nearly 30 years. In the US, Bush had a chance to become the first President-for-Life since Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who won 4 back-to-back terms before dying in office.

Bush concluded with the remark, "But I would've gotten away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids," while glaring at NBC reporter David Gregory.

Aides throughout the White House and Republican party privately admitted this was a "gargantuan defeat" for the President. The sounds of stifled weeping were heard intermittently throughout the day in the West Wing and Executive Office Building, and a painting of former President Abraham Lincoln was seen to have burst into tears.

The Lincoln portrait had previously smiled on the occasion of Bush's "mission accomplished" aircraft carrier landing atop the USS Abraham Lincoln, the event where Bush declared the cessation of hostilities in Iraq on May 1, 2003.

Rumsfeld Gravely Injured After Duel With Treacherous Accusers

On the volcanic island of Hawaii, US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was ambushed by traitorous accusers seeking his dismissal. The Secretary responded by challenging his opponents to defend their points in the ancient military judicial tool of trial by combat.

After a saber duel in which, after numerous clashes, resulted in the defeat, death and dishonor of all comers, the Secretary, however, sustained serious injuries to his right arm and both legs, as well as numerous third degree burns and bronchial scarring after a misstep near what proved to be an active lava flow.

Defense Department officials noted that after a brief convalescence, Rumsfeld will continue to serve in his current position with undiminished vigor, but cautioned that he may need to wear protective clothing and a breathing mask for some time.

Teens Greet Opening of First Iraqi Strip-Mall

Comments by Gayle Taylor (whose husband Kent is a military journalist himself) at a speech by US President (Ret.) George W. Bush have led many in the media to re-examine their coverage for evidentiary bias privileging the depiction of dramatic or "evil" situations over uninteresting or "good" situations.

We ourselves wish to enthusiastically re-avow (previous posts: 1, 2, 3) that all evidentiary discourse evinces angularity by virtue of its very existence, and to expect otherwise would be woefully weak-minded.

Accordingly, in this report, we engage in a pro-active effort to show "good" that is being done by ebullient Iraqis and their American advisors, in the anticipation that our etudes will enable, by force and/of example, engaged minds to proceed past puerile dialecticism and progress beyond good and evil like our colleague Mr. Nietzsche.

Despite a dearth of available data, Dark Matter is enthused to inveigle the reader's attention to the true fact that numerous Iraqi teens celebrated with enthusiastic ululations the opening of the country's first strip-mall, making it possible for cheap, ugly buildings hastily constructed by crooked, cost-cutting contractors to stand empty in an uninhabited area awaiting the encroachments of suburban sprawl, exactly as they do in the good old U. S. of A. Indeed currently no goods or services are offered in the mall, although military journalists would of course be quick to note that as soon as a need for cheap hair care products, rental furniture, tyres and budget electronics arises, the area will be instantly available for eager exponents of Western consumerism.

After the celebration and a modicum of typical teenage lolling-about looking for girls who will talk to them, the teens were ushered into the large troop transport vehicle which had provided comfortable conveyance to the site and were safely returned to their homes in bombed-out neighborhoods of Baghdad and Kirkuk.

US, Iraqi Forces Report "Significant Progress" Against Uninhabited Patch of Desert

In an effort to gain ground against stubbonly persistent insurgent forces, US and Iraqi security forces have launched massive airstrikes against a 500 square meter patch of uninhabited desert, in the largest airborne bombing operation since the initial invasion.

Reports from the field corroborate the Pentagon's report of "significant progress." According to US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, bombs are striking targets with a high degree of accuracy and there has been "massive loss of habitability" in the affected area, with minimal collateral damage. Coalition and insurgent casualties have been minimal.

According to Rumsfeld, the attack is part of a coordinated strategy to eliminate possible insurgent strongholds or potential strongholds and to build confidence among troops. Future plans call for attacks against adjacent areas, and to expand in scope until all uninhabited areas of Iraq have been rendered inhospitable to insurgents.

Commanders are said to be cautiously optimistic that ground troops will soon be able to move into the bombed-out zone without unreasonable difficulty.

Ass-key in ASCII

Apparently Dick Cheney was drunk that weekend too!!

d/X-b +--##### (whittington)

Cheney's Victim to Sell Face, Neck as "Conservative Art"

Harry Whittington, the lawyer who was shot by US Vice President Richard M. Cheney, announced today that he would be auctioning his face and neck as an outstanding example of "conservative art."

Harking back to previous examples such as William S. Burroughs' shotgun paintings, Whittington said, the patterns created by firearms upon human skin and other media can be "resplendently beautiful as well as stunningly tragic" works of art. He continued, "They can speak volumes about the fragility of the human condition, the correspondence between mind and nature, and can even expose the soul of the artist in a way unique to this form of art."

He said the affected skin would be removed from his body this week and replaced with grafts from other areas of his body, to ensure the beauty of the wounds would not be erased by the healing process. Money from the sale will be donated to conservative causes.

Shotgun Poetry Hits Web in Face and Neck

In other news, poetry arising from the Cheney shooting incident has spread across the web. For example, Firedrake.com's "Dickfest" includes a number of such poetic essays, including the following gems:

Ask not
what your country
can do for you...
BLAM!!!


Shall I compare thee to a flushing quail?
Thou art more orange and sport not a feather on thy head
Yet my drunken wits are rarely known to fail
So stand ye still, and I shall try to shoot thee dead.

and...

Dick Cheney Determined to Attack in the U.S.

Police May Lock Up "Troubled" Vice President

According to reports from Corpus Christi, Texas, where US Vice President Richard M. Cheney "accidentally" shot a lawyer while hunting illegally without a license, local police and the Texas Rangers will be examining the incident closely.

Law enforcement officials said there were numerous "red flags" to the case, meriting a thorough investigation. According to friends, Cheney is a "master hunter," and would presumably be aware of the differences between a man's face and a winged animal such as a bird or pig. Also, Cheney has been associated with numerous other felonious incidents where people under his orders had invaded homes and killed and injured numerous innocent civilians, for no crime other than living in Iraq. He had associated with and/or directed others to fix energy prices, and was a known associate of notorious criminals Ken Lay, Tom DeLay, "Scooter" Libby, Jack Abramoff, and drug offender/armed forces deserter George W. Bush, the current US President (Ret.). He had publicly advocated the torture of helpless prisoners. And "any Vice President is naturally a troubled, morality-free individual capable of many heinous acts."

Gun control advocates applauded the decision.

Another Caricature for You Intolerant Muslim Assholes

After causing his followers to trample the values of countries who wish peaceful coexistence, to gather in large groups to chant "death to" anyone exept the real oppressors -- their own governments, to assert that the murder of six million Jews did not take place, to rape women and then ostracize them and murder their families when they complain, to commit genocide against their own people, and to turn the world into a boiling ball of hatred that will only cool off once war destroys the hatemongers ... he kicked off early today. Now ...

Prophet Mohammed is drunk:

{{*X->##### (hic)

Suck on that, bitches.

Conservatives Face Long-Expected Global Armageddon

(Now this, they might find funny.)

An article (in English) from the German magazine sign and sight describes the stirring outrage among liberals after seeing some of their most holy aesthetics, ideals, and imagery trampled upon by fundamentalist assholes all over the world.

Taking up the call, reports are coming in that atheists, feminists, and nonheterosexuals have gathered, chanting, "Death to the fidelious," preparing plans to kidnap women from lives of slavery and forcing them to speak their minds and have opinions, and to force others to not know what others are doing with their bodies in full view of no-one.

More as this story develops.

Yes Virginia, There is A Panty Clause

According to an article in today's Washington Post, the CIA is also engaged in intrusive domestic surveillance. While the NSA engages in warrantless wiretapping and interception of electronic communications, the CIA has embarked on a secret program of surveillance of women's undergarments. As the article details, however, a victim has blown the program wide open and it may never be the same again.

According to the Post, CIA employee George C. Dalmas III was arrested January 31st on suspicion of breaking and entering a number of houses in Virginia. A search of his home revealed "a stunning trove of cash, jewelry, antiques, license plates -- and bags filled with more than 1,000 women's undergarments." However, once his CIA connection was discovered, charges were dropped and Dalmas was released on a "national security exemption" under clause 834.15.a of the Virginia penal code dealing with unlawful entry, which reporters covering the case now refer to as "the panty clause."

Leaks from inside the CIA indicated that Dalmas was managing a program to ensure that US citizens were protected from Al Qaeda threats against "their most private possessions," and that he believed he had the authority to ensure that Al Qaeda would have no contact with US undergarments.

News of this program follows recent revelations that White House cat "Socks" was bugged during the Clinton Administration and the US government's secret experiments on corporealization of language.

CIA representatives quickly took full responsibility for the program, stating that they had been granted the authority by Congress to ensure that no American citizen would have to fear finding Al Qaeda or other anti-US operatives using US undergarments for any but the most patriotic of purposes. It is unknown whether the program had been approved through the FISA court system.

"State of the Union" Speech Author Apologizes to Oprah

William McGurn, author of the State of the Union speech to be delivered by US President (Ret.) George W. Bush, issued a statement today in a letter.

The statement read, in part:

I am a liar. I have struggled mightily with the depiction of the issues and policy directions provided in my speech, and finally must come clean. Things like saying that Americans are free, when in fact they have never been more constrained, surveilled and spied upon, with fewer protections under the law than ever before. Things like saying a policy initiative will help the sick and infirm, when in fact it will help them only to die horribly. Saying that the displaced poor of the Gulf Coast will have the ability to return to their homes when in fact their homes have already been razed to the ground and sold to land developers. Defending CEO criminals whom I know to be guilty. Allowing a cabal of oil company executives to dictate energy and foreign policy. Calling for increased support of a war I know to be vicious and illegal, which was entered into for the motive of pure profit. Calling for support of Clean (Dirty) Air and Wilderness Preservation (Dissipation) legislation. And most of all, pretending that any of my speech was originated by the only person in the US who's a bigger liar than I am: George W. Bush. I am sorry.

The statement was mailed to a number of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal (McGurn's former employer), The New York Times, The Washington Post, and Harpo Productions, the company owned by Oprah Winfrey.

Links: Why Are Opposition Parties Always Such Crybabies Whenever They're Spied Upon?

Spittle and Ink has a nice recap of the Watergate scandal translated into today's media parlance. For those who don't want to go "old-school" and worry about stuff like truth, meaning, and complete sentences -- and least of all, print.

Eeegh! Print?! Eewwww.

Steps Away from His Own Triumph, Bush Urges World to Move Forward From Democracy

In the wake of significant political wins for anti-Israel Palestinian group Hamas in fair democratic elections, and growing voter sentiment against his regime's incompetence and misuse of power in the United States, US President (Ret.) George W. Bush declared today at a surprise press conference that democracy as a political system "needs to be rethought."

He declared that the political will of the Palestinian people was "obviously not going to be a good enough reason to leave these terrorists in power." He added that he wanted Mahmoud Abbas, leader of the ruling Fatah party, itself once closely linked to terrorism, to "remain in power. I mean, we'd like him to stay in office. He is in power. We'd like him to stay in office."

Through this distinction, sources say, Bush was hinting at the rationale that would be used in his administration's soon-to-be-announced program to justify the imposition of absolute rule in the United States. Long architected, the plan will expand rulership to non-elected officials, eliminating the ability of citizens in a democracy to vote ineffective, incompetent, corrupt, dishonest, pandering, sexually indiscreet, ugly, fat, crippled, or otherwise dislikable officials from power, gradually reducing the importance of elected office. Analysts have noted that this would be, perhaps literally, the "crowning achievement" of the Bush Administration and would fulfill the Bush team's stated goal of changing the world's political landscape forever.

Further steps that may be taken are suspension of the US Constitution's rights protections and institution of an office of domestic counter-terrorism that would quell all incipient dissent.

Bin Laden Tried to Obtain Frequent Calling Plan

According to US National Security Administration sources, Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has made so many calls to the United States that he tried, unsuccessfully, to obtain a discount on calls from AT&T International.

The document was not read by a human being for several months after receipt. Instead, the application, clumsily filled out by hand in pencil, was rejected automatically by a data entry/application review computer system. The stated reason for rejection was the applicant's credit report, which indicated he was "dangerously overburdened" and "probably unable to make regular payments," despite enclosure of a personal video stating that Bin Laden needed the plan to be able to call friends and family in the US and other countries, and despite $100,000 in cash with the document in an envelope marked "for receiver," both of which were not considered by the computer.

The application sat in a rejections file for several months before a human supervisor reviewed the list before they were to be discarded. The supervisor promptly forwarded it to the NSA, and was commended for his "quick and patriotic response."

The NSA pointed out that its controversial domestic spying program was intended to "short-circuit" such attempts by terrorists to gain discounts and other advantages over the US and its allies.

Qaeda Operations Chief Throws Retirement Bash

According to Pakistani officials, Abu Khabab al-Masri, real name Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, 52, invited a number of friends to a gathering in northwest Pakistan Thursday and announced he was retiring from his position in Al Qaeda, the terrorist group led by Osama Bin Laden. Sources say a party then began with a traditional bombing by United States forces.

Many of the party received party favors in the form of artistically shaped pieces of shrapnel, which were inserted quickly into vital organs.

Al-Masri, before departing the scene, said he planned to enjoy his retirement in various places nearby, and said he would look fondly upon his time in the organization.

Twin Beds Avoided, For Now

US Vice (Acting) President Dick Cheney was treated at a Washington DC area hospital today for what aides characterized as a "breathing problem." It is not known whether Mr. Cheney's heart stopped at any time. He was treated by doctors and released a few hours later.

Mr. Cheney awoke at 3AM Monday morning and was immediately rushed to George Washington University Hospital after complaining of chest pains and shortness of breath, classic symptoms of a heart attack.

Admission to the hospital was held up briefly when White House Press Secrectary Scott McClellan, who rode with Cheney in the ambulance, was unable to provide information to questions posed by emergency room doctors about Cheney's medical history, and refused to characterize the event as a "heart attack."

In another hospital room, hopes for continued progress toward peace in the Middle East stirred when Israeli leader Ariel Sharon, recovering from brain death, was brought out of a medically induced coma and wobbled a finger on his left hand.

It was quickly pointed out that the left hand is traditionally the hand labeled "hate," while the right hand is the one labeled "love." Some experts, however, have argued that since Hebrew is written right to left, the left hand may be the hand of "love." Others have noted that since the Hebrew verb for "hate" is שׂנא ("sané"), and love is אחב ("ahev"), Sharon would need to have three fingers on both hands to be making a policy statement in Israel's official language.

No world leader has yet advanced the suggestion that policy be formulated by the non-comatose, non-brain-damaged Israeli Vice President, Ehud Olmert, though a resolution to do so is currently under debate in the Israeli Parliament.